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Johnny Returns

We cut to Tim Ross in his office, a black beauty draped across his knees.  He sweet talks her as he strokes her long legs, when suddenly the door to his office flings open.  He rises with a start, knocking the women to the floor with a squeal.

Ross:  What tha fuck? . . . Wes, Leon, what good are you?

Johnny Cox enters the room frantically, a notepad in front of him.  He nearly jumps on Tim Ross he’s so excited.

Johnny:  Ross, Ross I got to tell yah!

Ross:  You get some information for me?

 Ross asks, cool and calm. 

Ross:  Good.  Sit down.

Johnny:  But Boss I got to tell yah!

Ross:  Yes, I heard you, sit down and start from the top.

Johnny Cox makes a face, one of anger as much as it was of disappointment, for he was sure Tim Ross would be eager to know what he had to say, and here he was making him start from the top.

Ross:  Go on.

Tim nods.

Johnny:  Okay. . .

Johnny looks down at his notebook and starts from the top. 

Johnny (cont’d):  Dark likes to drink beer. . . cVc?  He likes to fuck a lot of loose women.  Many women. . . Tarrasque. . . he’s not exactly human.  I saw him in the back eating a whole plate of raw beef. . . Skidd Row. . . . he used to be in the indys for a long time. . .

Ross:  What the fuck is this?  You know, I always wondered why you made it in prison.  Why nobody shanked you even though you was a rat.  And now I know motha fucka.  Because you never gave up anything worth nuthin’. . . Get the fuck out of here!

Johnny:  But wait!  I got one more. . .

Ross:  Boys, see this rat out of here.

Leon and Wes grab Johnny, and start pulling Johnny out of the room.

Johnny:  But wait!  The cops are coming!  The cops!

Ross:  Cops?  Boys let him go. . . cops?  What’s this about cops?

Johnny:  The cops are coming.   The cops are coming!

Ross:  What?  Why?

Johnny:  All these people.  These protestors!  Shit I dunno man, but they’re coming!  I’m getting the fuck out of here.

Ross:  Jesus Christ!  Why didn’t you tell me that in the first place?

Johnny:  You said. . .

Ross:  No we gots to go.  Leon, Wes, we movin’ out boys.

The camera fades. . .

FJ Tombs Vs. cVc

Wolf:  Cops?  What’s this about cops?

Ace:  With all these assholes around I’m not surprised.  Ross called them in!

Wolf:  Were you not watching?  Ross is getting out of here!

Ace:  No way. . .

Wolf:  Well we’re just gonna go ahead and assume The Rat is as horrible with his information as he is at wrestling.

Ace:  Hey I thought he did pretty good for a first timer.  But now he’s done busted his cherry, Wolf.

Wolf:  Pleasant as always Ace. . .  Up next is the main event we’ve all been waiting for.  New Death Row Champion Fj Tombs set to take on Chance Von Crank in a preview of what’s to come at Cell Block Four.

Ace:  Tombs of course recently crowned after defeating Skidd Row, who after tonight seems to be on a bit of a losing streak.

Wolf:  Tombs has been through hell and high water here in The Row, and now he’s got the biggest prize around his waist—kinda makes it all worth it.

Ace:  But tonight he’s going up a formidable opponent in The Trailer Park Prodigy.

Wolf:  As much as I hate to admit it, you’re right, Ace.

A huge cocking noise is heard throughout the auditorium, followed by a gun blast that frightens the shit out of the protesters.  A few realize it was only an audio effect, and start to boo, while others never realize it and instead crouch down and even go so far as to scream in terror.

Ace:  Jesus Christ somebody is shooting off in this place!

Wolf:  No-no—you damn well know that’s the ever obnoxious start to cVc’s theme music.  Even more tasteless in these trying times we live in, Ace.

cVc’s voice is heard throughout the auditorium, spouting his famous catchphrase.  The protesters rise in fury and start raising their signs up in the air.

Wolf:  cVc agitating the crowd, and he hasn’t even come out yet.

Ace:  These One Million Moms are livid—and they’ve been getting worse and worse as the show has progressed.  The vibe in this place is funky.  Feels more like were at an underground bare knuckle boxing match than a wrestling match.

Wolf:  You watched Snatch on TV last night too?

Ace:  You bet your ass I did.

cVc appears from behind the curtain wearing his new shirt that says ‘Don’t Be A’ then depicts a rooster, followed by a candy sucker.  A CVC Fucking Sucks chant starts up, and the protesters boo, at the sight of cVc as much at the use of such profanity.  One Mom in particular can be seen in the front row wearing a unicorn shirt, her hairy upper lip spread into a horrifying scowl as she shouts out a prayer and tosses her hands up in the air as if she were in the presence of pure evil.

Wolf:  Fans using some choice words here in regards to The Trailer Park Prodigy.

Ace:  Just say it!  They’re saying he fucking sucks! 

Wolf:  Yeah. . . that.

Ace:  And they’re wrong you know?  cVc doesn’t suck. . .

Wolf:  The jury is still out on that one Ace. . . we already know what the Death Row Faithful think!

cVc makes his way down to the ring with his hands out in front of his crotch, acting like he’s masturbating.  The protesters immediately boo, as masturbation is a sin in their eyes and a completely worthless endeavor. 

Wolf:  cVc. . . uh. . . pleasuring himself as he makes his way down to the ring.

cVc reaches the ring and spots the guy in the front row dressed like Jesus and immediately rushes over to him, moaning like he’s about to blow his load.  cVc then tosses his hands out in the Jesus guy’s face like he just splooged whilst moaning and shivering as if experiencing an orgasm.  The Jesus Guy steps back, his face one of shock as it turns beet red.

Ace:  cVc just jizzed on Jesus!

Wolf:  Ahem. . .

Ace:  This is vintage Row right now Wolf. . . Vintage Row.  Jizzing on Jesus.

Wolf:  It’s a fucking disgrace is what it is. . . and I don’t curse.  That’s how disgraceful this is.

The Jesus guy immediately acts like he’s gonna jump the barricade for the second time of the night but cVc keeps his ground and Jesus changes his mind and takes to booing instead.  The protesters start to shout at cVc, their eyes filled with hatred.  The Death Row Faithful start up a KICK HIS ASS JESUS chant, and the protesters would be all for it if not for the use of such a naught word as ‘ASS,’ and instead start up a Jesus Saves chant in contention.


Wolf:  Listen to these people!  They’re going crazy.

Ace:  They’ve been building up to this all night.  Anything can happen Wolf, anything.  And meanwhile, Jesus has threatened to cross ‘the line’ several times now.

Wolf:  Somebody watch that guy!

cVc enters the ring and takes off his shirt and tosses it into the crowd.  He then turns around to taunt the other half of the crowd and immediately the t-shirt hits the back of his head.

Wolf:  When is this guy gonna realize no one wants a TPP shirt?

Ace:  Hey I still want one!

Wolf:  Well then you’re the only one.

The shirt falls to the mat and cVc swoops to pick it up and turns to the other side of the ring and tosses it into the crowd.  The t-shirt returns and cVc kicks it out of the air, frustrated.

Wolf:  What did you expect?  Not everybody loves you as much as you love yourself cVc!

Ace:  I love you Mr. Von Crank.

Wolf:  Ace here doesn’t count—he’s an idiot.

The boos continue, the protesters taking to tossing Jesus saves pamphlets all over the ring and the surrounding areas.

Wolf:  These protesters are working in full force now, complete with propaganda!

Ace:  I’d still like to know what we did to piss these guys off.

Wolf:  I don’t think we did anything—and that’s the point.  These people are mad to get mad.

cVc bends down and picks up one of the pamphlets and leafs through it halfheartedly and then tosses it aside, scoffing. He starts clearing out the ring with his foot as his music slowly dies down.

Wolf:  cVc in the ring now, and that means we’re waiting for one man. . . Mister Tombs.

Ace:  It’s all down to you Tombs, once again.  When are you gonna tire of holding this federation up on your back?

Wolf:  He won’t ever, Ace.  He’ll be here and giving it his all even if it kills him. . .  And that’s why Tombs has been our best champion so far—and I expect his tenure as champ to be a long one.

Ace:  Not if the Crankster has anything to say about that. . .

Kiss My Country Ass begins to play and the Death Row Faithful rise.  A few Tombs signs even make an appearance, through all the signs that say JESUS SAVES and the like. 

Wolf:  Here he comes ladies and gentlemen, the new Death Row Champion set to embark on his journey as the best wrestler in The Row.

Ace:  I hate to disagree with you Wolf, but I will.  cVc is the best wrestler in The Row, not Tombs.

Wolf:  Well that’s what tonight is all about.  We’re set to find that out in just a few minutes, Ace.  So set back and get ready for one hell of a match!

Tombs appears from behind the curtain, his Death Row belt strapped around his waist.  It catches in the light for a moment, grabbing your attention.  The boos rain out from the protesters, and for a second Tombs is shocked upon hearing them.

Wolf:  Tombs unaccustomed to all these boos.  He’s always had a warm welcome everywhere he’s gone. But don’t take it too personally Tombs!  These people hate everything!  They gave him the same response when he came out earlier.

Ace:  Remember that ovation he got in Texas?  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: this guy is sickly sweet.  He’s gotta have some skeletons in his closet: pissed in someone’s coffee, fucked a hooker and killed her—something!

Wolf:  Well as Ace relates to us some of his past mistakes—

Ace:  Hey they never proved I killed her!  It was a hung jury!

Wolf:  Sure Ace—Sure.

Tombs runs his fingers through his mustache before unhooking the belt and raising it for one half of the crowd.  Cheers erupt from the Death Row Faithful, and the protesters, content to ruin everything shower down more boos.  Tombs then turns and raises the belt to the other half of the auditorium and gets generally the same result.

Wolf:  There it is, The Death Row Championship—aint it pretty?

Ace:  Hell yes it is.  It’s almost as pretty as me, and that’s no easy feat!

Tombs then lowers the belt and drapes it over his right shoulder.  In the ring cVc leans over the ropes nearest to the ramp and shouts inaudible taunts at Tombs that are enough to make some of The One Million Mom’s in the front row nearby turn red with anger and a hidden suppressed enjoyment.  From the ramp Tombs points at cVc then points at the belt, talking all the way down the ramp.

Wolf:  Tombs and cVc having a war of words here before the match.

Ace:  cVc loves to talk.  He talks all the damn time.

Wolf:  But this is not a debate Ace!  This is wrestling!  Go get em Tombs!

Ace:  Fuck that, show em why they call you The Trailer Park Prodigy, Chance!

Tombs gets to the ring and climbs up the steps, the belt held gingerly over his shoulder.  Tombs slowly walks along the apron until he reaches the middle of it then steps through the top and middle rope, swinging his body under the top rope and through into the ring.  Tombs steps up to cVc and then raises the belt in his face.

Wolf:  Stare down now by both competitors.

Ace:  That’s right cVc tell him who’s best!

cVc begins jabbering in Tombs face, talking fast, and Tombs takes it in, nodding his head and talking only when cVc stops to take a breath.  Both men stare at one another dead in the eyes as Kiss My Country Ass dies down, giving way to the boos of the One Million Moms.

Wolf:  Well the fans buzzing at the start of this match.

Ace:  Tell your fucking friends to hit up right now.  They can watch porn any time.  But this. . . well yeah you can watch this at anytime too. . . but we’ve got ugly moms and Jesus Freaks!

Wolf:  Great PR job there Ace.  I’m sure the fans we’ll come flocking to The Row after that one.

Ace:  Why thank you.

Wolf:  I was joking—you fool.

The announcer climbs up into the ring and makes his way to its center.  He looks at cVc and Tombs, who continue to stare at one another, exchanging words and then he turns 360 to look at the crowd.  He gulps, the action comically visible as his Adam ’s apple rises and falls in his throat.  The boos ring out around the arena, adding to the scene, and the announcer looks more timid than usual.  In fact it looks like he shit his pants and is afraid everybody is going to know about it.

Announcer:  Ladies and gentlemen. . . here is your Main Event!

The Death Row Faithful cheer, while The One Million Mom’s let out some boos.  We cut again to Jesus, who is booing and pointing his thumbs down like a movie critic.  The woman in the unicorn shirt is still praying, her eyes flicking up into the back of her head like she’s about to have a seizure at any moment; flirting with it at all times but just missing that one last abomination that will send her over the edge.

Wolf:  That lady just creeps me out.  Something out of Stigmata.

Ace:  If she starts speaking in tongues, I’m fucking out of here.

Announcer:  Introducing first. . . from Harlan, Kentucky, weighing in at two hundred and sixty pounds, he is The Trailer Park Prodigy. . . Chance. . . Von. . . Crannnnk!

The boos start up, but Chance ignores them, keeping his gaze on Tombs, who continues to listen to his trash talk.

Wolf:  Well Chance forgoing his usual antics here. . . he could actually be serious about this match tonight, Ace.

Ace:  He’s always serious Wolf, and tonight’s match is special.  Whoever wins this match will have a psychological advantage over the other.  Hey, if cVc can prove he can beat Tombs, it’s gonna be in the back of the champ’s mind leading up to Cell Block Four.  That’s for sure.

Wolf:  You’ve been hit and miss all night Ace, but with that one you’re dead on.  Bull’s-eye there little buddy.

Ace:  Little buddy?  Okay Skipper.

Announcer:  And his opponent. . .

The Death Row Faithful are already starting to cheer. 

Announcer:  From Athens, Texas. . . weighing in at two hundred and seventy-five pounds, he is the current Death Row Champion. . . F. . . J. . . Toooombs!

The Death Row Faithful pop, and Tombs ignores it, continuing to stare down cVc.  cVc steps back to flick his hands in Tombs face and in response Tombs simply raises the belt, never keeping his eyes off of cVc.  Frank Knox enters the fray and takes the belt, then hands it off to the ring hand. 

Wolf:  Well this is a grudge match in the making, that’s for sure.  Tombs vs. Crank.

Ace:  Although Tombs has the weight advantage, I’ve got cVc in this one.  The Trailer Park Prodigy cannot be denied—just ask the ladies—and when he wants something he takes it.

Wolf:  Forcing himself on women. . . yeah, sounds like a great champion Ace.

The bell rings but both combatants remain still, trash talking one another.  Frank Knox signals the start of the match and cVc content with his trash talking reaches up and pushes FJ Tombs.  The shove sends him back a step or two, but he quickly recovers and gets in cVc’s face.  The crowd buzzes, cut through with the sporadic boos of The One Million Moms.

Wolf:  What is this, a schoolyard?  cVc pushing Tombs around like a little kid.

Ace:  Just trying to get into the head of Tombs, Wolf.  That’s all.

cVc pushes Tombs again, but this time Tombs retaliates with a push of his own, the force of which sends cVc immediately to the mat.  The Death Row Faithul pop.

Wolf:  There yah go cVc!  Tombs just pushed your ass to the mat!

Ace:  Tombs may have more power, but cVc has him beat in every other area.  He gets more pussy and is definitely the better wrestler.

Wolf:  cVc just may be the only active wrestler with three forms of sexually transmitted diseases.

Ace:  Hey!  That’s never been proven!

cVc quickly gets to his feet, shocked, as Tombs flexes his muscles in a display of strength.  Tombs then motions for cVc to come at him, and cVc complies, the two men locking up in the center of the ring.  The two struggle for the upper hand and Tombs quickly gains it, using his strength to bend cVc backward toward the mat.

Wolf:  I think it has been well established that Tombs is the stronger man here.  What is cVc doing?

Ace:  He’s giving Tombs a false sense of superiority.  It’s always best to build a man up before you cut the feet out from under him, it makes the look on his face all the more enjoyable when you beat them.

Wolf:  Uh-huh.  Whatever you say.

The crowd buzzes and Frank Knox checks the hold to make sure everything is legal.  cVc then uses his strength to straighten back up and quickly rises with a knee to the gut of Tombs, the blow causing Tombs to expel a breath of air and bend at the waist.  cVc raises his right arm and comes down with a forearm smash against the back of Tomb’s head.  He raises up for another, and yet another, each blow ringing out through the arena.

Wolf:  Chance Von Crank with the upper hand now, working the back of the champ.

Ace:  I told you he was just getting into Tombs’ head.  Watch as he dominates the rest of this match.

cVc then Irish whips FJ Tombs into the ropes and as he returns cVc drops to the mat, and Tombs jumps over him to the other side of the ring.  Tombs then comes off the ropes on the other side of the ring and as he returns he lifts a foot and kicks cVc square in the head.

Wolf:  Big boot from FJ Tombs, and cVc is down!

Ace:  Come on ref!  Something about that big boot had to be illegal!  Let’s get some order in there!

Wolf:  What is it you kids say?  Haters gonna be hating?

Ace:  . . . Something like that. . . And I aint hating!  Check Tombs’ boot that thing’s gotta be loaded!

The Death Row Faithful let out a pop as Tombs raises his arms and cVc gets to his feet with his hand holding his chin, selling the big boot.  cVc curses and he and Tombs lock up in the center of the ring.  FJ Tombs quickly gets behind cVc with a rear lock.  The crowd pops, the protesters boo, as they do no matter what happens.

Wolf:  Tombs with that bear like grip on cVc.

Ace:  He’ll get out of it Wolf, don’t you worry about that.

Wolf:  Who’s worried?

cVc makes a face, trying to struggle out of the hold, but then he raises his leg backwards between Tombs’ legs, striking the ole family jewels.  The protesters boo, as do the Death Row Faithful as Tombs falls to the mat selling the low blow.  Frank Knox quickly gets in cVc’s face and gives him a warning: ‘I won’t have any of that crap Chance!’

Wolf:  Chance Von Crank with the low blow, and no one with a set likes that one.

Ace:  Yeah, I’m sure there are a lot of man hating lesbians out there who love a good low blow, but for the love of God! 

cVc throws his hands up as the crowd continues to boo and then he pretends to splooge in the face of a few audience members in the first row.  cVc tells Frank to ‘Fuck Off’ then turns and runs his hands throw his hair as he makes his way to Tombs, slapping him hard as he brings him to his feet. 

Wolf:  cVc going to work now—

Ace:  Doing what he does best—

Wolf:  And what’s that?  Disappointing every woman he goes to bed with?

Ace:  What?  No. . .

cVc then Irish whips Tombs into the ropes and as he returns cVc hooks Tombs’ arm and lifts him up into the air before bringing him to the mat, all in one motion.

Wolf:  Hip Toss by The Trailer Park Prodigy!  He used the momentum off the ropes to drive Frank Joe Tombs right to the mat.

cVc taunts the crowd and is rewarded with a chorus of boos.  cVc pretends to splooge once more before dragging Tombs, face down, toward the ropes.  cVc takes Tombs’ head and drapes it across the bottom rope and looks around at the crowd with a smile on his face before stepping up on Tombs, standing across the shoulder blades.  He grabs the top rope and pulls it upward so that he may apply all his weight on Tombs.

Wolf:  cVc using the ropes to choke Tombs!  His neck is draped right across the bottom rope and cVc is mercilessly choking him!

Ace:  That’s right baby, cocked back and fucking loaded.  cVc is gonna choke out the champ here tonight.  Who cares about the DQ?!  Tombs can’t be champion if he’s dead!

Wolf:  In front of The One Million Moms?  That would be the end of us for sure Ace.

Frank Knox quickly makes the count, 1. . . 2. . .3. . . Fou—cVc breaks the hold and Frank Knox warns cVc yet again with a finger in his face.  Tombs meanwhile lays on the mat, grabbing his throat and selling the injury.  He swallows once and makes it appear quite difficult.

Wolf:  Tombs is struggling to swallow after that one—there’s no place for that kind of stuff in The Row!

Ace:  Are you kidding?  We’re Death Row Wrestling.  It’s what we do, Wolf.

Wolf:  That doesn’t mean I have to like it.

cVc jumps up into the corner and raises his arms, and both the protesters and the Death Row Faithful boo.  One cVc fan with missing teeth can be seen cheering, but being the minority he cheers are lost in the constant boos.  Tombs slowly gets to his feet as cVc gets down and turns to face down Tombs.

Wolf:  cVc more interested in inflating his own ego than wrestling in this match.

Ace:  Listen here Wolf, it’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon.  cVc is just taking his time—because we all know the longer he’s on the screen the better it is for the Row.  I feel that way about myself personally.

cVc and Tombs lock up in the center of the ring, as the crowd buzzes.  cVc then quickly switches to a side headlock.  Tombs takes several steps backwards before he hits the ropes, and then uses the momentum to toss cVc off of him into the ropes on the other side of the ring.  cVc returns and Tombs clotheslines him to the mat.  As cVc sells the clothesline Tombs shakes his head as if to get the cobwebs out.

Wolf:  Tombs with the clothesline now!  This match has been back and forth so far, neither man seeming to get the upper hand!

Ace:  Are you seriously suggesting that Tombs is on the same level as cVc?!

Ace:  Answer me!  Answer me dammit!

cVc quickly gets to his feet and runs off the ropes for momentum and as he returns he goes for the shoulder block, but Tombs out powers him, the blow causing cVc to fall to the mat instead. 

Wolf:  Tombs with the shoulder block.  Err—well cVc with the failed attempt of the shoulder block.  That was like running into a brick wall.

Ace:  Oh is that what you do these days Wolf, run into brick walls?

cVc gets up just as quickly but stumbles to the ropes, and as he does Tombs raises his arms in victory.  Those in the crowd that aren’t total assholes and inclined to ruining other peoples shit in the name of the Lord pop; the protesters boo (how tiring they are).

Wolf:  Lots of taunting here from Tombs, a little uncharacteristic of him.

Ace:  Perhaps the title has changed him for the worst?

Wolf:  I doubt it, this guy lives, sleeps, eats The Row.

cVc looks around and then slowly makes his way over to Tombs and extends a hand.  Tombs looks around at the crowd.

Wolf:  Don’t do it Tombs!  Don’t shake that scumbags hand!

Tombs cautiously extends his hand to shake cVc’s, and as his hand gets closer a devious smile spreads on cVc’s face.  Tombs pulls his hands back and wags his finger in cVc’s face and the Death Row Faithful pop.  cVc meanwhile is furious.

Wolf:  Nice work Tombs!  A handshake from The Trailer Park Prodigy, who’s gonna fall for that?

Ace:  What do you mean?

Wolf:  He was gonna cheap shot Tombs!  You know it!  Don’t play innocent!

Ace:  Cheap Shot?!  cVc was just showing a bit of sportsmanship and Tombs spat all over it!

cVc charges Tombs and Tombs catches him, lifting him straight up into the air with a military press.  The Death Row Faithful pop as Tombs even presses cVc two or three times to show his strength.  After his last press Tombs tosses cVc to the mat, and The Trailer Park Prodigy hits the mat with a great amount of force, the sound of which makes the crowd pop.

Wolf:  Huge military press there by Tombs.

Ace:  Damn. . . you know cVc is such a great wrestler he even looks good when he’s losing.  You see the grace with which he fell through the air?  Amazing.

Wolf:  Well as Ace further professes his love, Tombs is back on the offensive now, stomping away on cVc.

Tombs stomps cVc once, twice, three times, before dropping to his knees and going for the pin.  Knox hits the mat to make the count, the Death Row Faithful buzzing in anticipation of the pin.  The more zealous of them count along with the referee.

Wolf:  We’ve got a pin ladies and gentlemen!  1. . . 2. . Kick out.  cVc kicks out and that one was hardly close.

Ace:  Well don’t sound so disappointed Wolf.

Wolf:  I’m rooting for Tombs, and I’m not afraid to admit it.  The Trailer Park Prodigy is an ugly mole on the face of The Row.  Best to scrape it off!

Tombs checks with Knox and Knox signals the two count, as the crowd still buzzes after the count.  The One Million Moms take a lull in the cheers to boo their discontent out into the arena—but at this point it’s been so constant it’s lost all relevance.  He gets slowly to his feet and grabs a handful of cVc’s mullet, pulling upward and bringing cVc with it.  Tombs then grabs cVc’s left arm, raises it over cVc’s own head and pins it there before reaching back and punching cVc right over the heart.

Wolf:  Heart punch from FJ Tombs!  The champ laying it on to the Trailer Park Prodigy now.

cVc sells the heart punch, bringing his shoulders forward and bending slightly as he makes his way into the corner.  Tombs follows and hits cVc in the face with a left, then another left, followed by a right, each blow rocking cVc in the corner.  Tombs then grabs cVc and Irish whips him into the corner.  cVc hits the corner with a thud and then Tombs charges him, clotheslining cVc with such force it knocks him first up against the turnbuckle, his feet flailing in the air, and then straight down to the mat.

Wolf:  What a clothesline from FJ Tombs!

Ace:  Come on cVc take this butcher boy out!  He’s just a stupid hick!

Wolf:  Really Ace?  He’s not the one living in a trailer. . .

The Deathrow Faithful pop after the clothesline.  Fj Tombs looks out on the crowd for a brief moment before bending down to pick up cVc.  Tombs then places cVc on the top rope, in the seated position.  Fj Tombs goes to climb up, but cVc punches him in the face, forcing him to step back down.

Wolf:  Well we’ve got a high risk maneuver here. . . Or at least I think that’s what Tombs has planned.

Ace:  But cVc aint out of it yet, he’s fighting back from that precarious position.

Tombs goes for another hold but again cVc punches him, this one sufficient enough to knock Tombs back a few steps.  It’s a big enough of an opening for cVc to get to bring his feet up to the top rope and jump off.  He jumps over Tombs, but hooks his head as he flips over him, bringing him down to the mat with him.  The crowd pops with such veracity the referee actually jumps.

Wolf:  Neckbreaker from the top rope by cVc!  And I think both guys are hurt after that one.

Angered by the pop, the One Million Moms show their force by overpowering the cheers with one massive BOOOOOOOOO.

Ace:  Did you see that—as these bitch moms start mooing again—that move by cVc?  Did yah?  It was a prime example as to why The Trailer Park Prodigy is well—just that—a prodigy!

Frank Knox sees both men are down and starts to make the count.  1. . . 2. . . 3. . . The One Million Moms start up a ‘YOU’RE GONNA BURN’ chant.

Wolf:  . . .

Ace: They’re probably talking about this heat.  This summer heat wave has been a real bitch, hasn’t it Wolf?

Wolf:  . . .

4. . . Tombs and cVc both start to slowly get to their feet.  YOU’RE GONNA BURN 5. . . Tombs reaches the ropes, starts pulling himself up YOU’RE GONNA BURN 6. . . YOU’RE GONNA BURN.  FJ Tombs gets to his feet first, followed by cVc.

Wolf:  Both men are up after that near double count out.


Ace:  They’re giving it their all, Wolf.  If this is just a preview of Cell Block Four, it’s going to be a good event indeed. 

cVc then swings first, hitting Tombs with a right.  Tombs responds with a left to the face of cVc, which cVc reciprocates with yet another right.

Wolf:  Both men exchanging blows now and this one has become a pure fist fight!

Ace:  Get em cVc!  Bust his head open!

Both men continue to exchange blows, the time between strikes decreasing, so that at one point they’re both letting their fists fly, almost in dual flurries of punches.  They both then think to run off the ropes, Tombs running off one set, cVc running off the opposite, and as they reach one another they both go for the clothesline, knocking one another to the mat.

Wolf:  Double clothesline, and both men are down now!

Ace:  They’re already in one another’s heads.  Both these wrestlers seem to be thinking the same thing!

cVc quickly rolls out of the ring and lands flat on the ground outside, but he doesn’t seem to mind.  Tired, he lays there sucking air as Tombs slowly staggers to his feet.

Wolf:  cVc is down and outside of the ring now, and Tombs himself is trying to get to his feet.

cVc pulls himself toward the barricade and pulls himself up, and finds himself in the face of the guy dressed like Jesus in the first row.  The Jesus Guy then spits in cVc’s face, and at first cVc is shocked, but only for perhaps just half a second, before he reaches across the barricade and slams that Jesus Guy on the ground.

Wolf:  That guy just spit in cVc’s face!  Jesus just spat in cVc’s face!

Ace:  I told you he was trouble.

Immediately there was outrage. . .  It was as if the cover of the auditorium had blown off, as if the all the sudden negativity in the room had shattered the poor structure of reality: the One Million Moms were pissed.  A Death Row wrestler had just assaulted Jesus. . .  The boos started, heavy loud guttural boos, and with them came insults and borderline profanity.

Wolf:  My God this place is going crazy!

Ace:  I told you he was trouble.

Wolf:  These people are looking to riot!  There’s pandemonium here in the auditorium!

Ace:  I told you he was trouble.

Wolf:  Yes yes!  You told us so!  That doesn’t change the fact—and they’re throwing things now!

The bell rings continuously as cVc starts to stomp the Jesus guy outside of the ring, screaming obscenities that cut through the boos and cries of the One Million Moms like a warm knife through butter.  The trash starts raining down, and the crowd becomes a jostling of human’s fighting for position.  The security quickly bunches up around the barricade, trying to keep any one else from entering while others escort the Jesus Guy out of the place.

Wolf:  Fans. . . fans. . . You can’t—we can’t have this!

Ace:  I don’t think it’s safe out here!

A man over the auditorium starts speaking, but through all the boos and the screams we can only catch bits of it.  PLEASE—LADIES AND GENTLEMEN--. . . . The screams rain out and the trash continues to fly into the ring, as cVc turns to threaten any potential newcomers—PLEASE REFRAIN FROM—

Wolf:  Got some help out here, we need—hey hey knock it off!

The protesters around the commentators table start hitting Wolf and Ace with their signs, and agitated Ace grabs one and manages to snatch it away. PLEASE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN—BOOOOOO He tosses it aside and Wolf and Ace back away from the table.  DO NOT THROW THINGS AT—BOOOOO cVc meanwhile is shouting at the fans, and from out of nowhere he gets hit full in the face with a cup filled with some amber liquid.  PLEASE LEAVE THE ARENA—BOOOOOO cVc climbs the barricade and goes for the kill but the security hold him back.  LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE REFRAIN--BOOOOOOOO

Suddenly officials from the back start coming out, trying to protect their wrestlers and coax them to the back.  Tombs stands akimbo, his hands on his hips, looking around frustrated and confused, while cVc continues to jaw with the protesters.  People start to leave the arena, but others are still upset, even jostling with Death Row fans.

Behind the officials come the cops, West Virginia’s finest, dawned in Swat Gear and fresh off a class about dispersing large groups of unruly people.  They storm down the ramp and disperse around the barricade, holding people back.  The boos continued to rain out, and though the police were present, it seemed to make the One Million Moms even more upset.  BOOOOO The crowd jostled about the barricade, some taking to tossing their signs clear into the ring.  BOOOOOOO.  cVc continues to taunt the crowd, despite Waylon Wolf and Tommy Ace holding them back, and in the struggle cVc falls backward, knocking into an officer that believes him to be an attacker and retaliates with his black police baton, bopping cVc in the back of the head with a single well-placed blow.

The fans and the police continue to struggle, and Tombs climbs out of the ring disgusted, shaking his head at all of the protesters.  The feed continues until the camera man finally drops the camera and runs for it, the sound of boo’s prevalent as we fade to black.


Peabody:  Yeah, we sure surprised the fucker.

Officer Peabody spits out into the street, looking out on the auditorium that not five minutes ago had been some sort of a warzone.  He had to hand it to those One Million Moms, when they got riled up, they could really cause a stir.

Peabody:  He didn’t see us going till it was too late.  I wonder who tipped him off?

Williams:  How long you fellas been watching him?

The young officer asked, his head still full of precious wonder, for never had he seen such a thing in his budding career as a man of the law.

Peabody:  Oh for a while now.

Peabody turns from his fellow officers to look out on the hot West Virginian night.  He takes in a breath and then turns to look in the back of his squad car, where the face of Tim Ross can be seen, screaming obscenities. 

Peabody:  Sheeut.  Look at him, he sure is pissed.

The other officers, a young one with blonde hair, and a round fat one with a dirty uniform look and have themselves a laugh at Tim Ross’s expense.

Peabody:  Betcha he’ll be shaking like a dog shitting peach pits once we get back to the station.

Williams:  Why’s that?

Peabody:  Because, Williams, we got this here fella on murder.

The young cops eyes widen, as he mouths the word ‘murder.’

Peabody:  Yup.  You see awhile back he killed a feller named Maynard Crane.  And to be honest we weren’t gonna go nosing in anything like that—Maynard was a serial killer.  And a dead serial killer is a good serial killer, cause he can’t kill no more.  No, we thought we’d just leave that alone.  But we kept our eye on this one.

He turned to take another look at Tim Ross in the back of his squad car, much like a scientist looks at a specimen he claims to know all about.

Peabody:  And then. . . and then well this Hydreck  kid ended up dead.  And guess where?  Right in the middle of his ring. . .

Peabody looks down at his notepad.

Peabody (cont’d):  this Death Row.  How about that eh?  He’s already got a record.  It’s like they say boy, once a criminal, always a criminal.  We just got to ship him to the proper authorities, cause the crime didn’t occur in our jurisdiction—see—but we get the credit for being the ones that napped him up.

He spat in the road triumphantly.

Peabody:  I also hear tell a man turned up dead just yesterday.  When did you say this feller got into town?

The other officer, the fat one, looked through his own notes and after many page turns looked up:

Riley:  Last week, on the 6th.  Was seen in and around West Virginia since that time.

Williams:  So he could have done it!

The others looked at him, and completely ignored him.

Peabody:  Yeah, we knew he had this show going, and we knew full well about them protesters too.  In fact, who do you think helped encouraged them along?

He winked. 

Peabody (cont’d):  The fact of the matter is we was able to surprise him.  He tried to get away too.  Was in a car, and it was all packed up with some five grand in cash, and a pistol in a brief case.  He was burning rubber out of here—but of course we had the exits blocked.  You can’t tell me he aint guilty.  An innocent man don’t run like that—not any I’ve ever seen.  This feller was scared.

The red, blue, red, blue, red, blue, of the cops sirens filtered through the night, and the officers stood around watching as the rest of the auditorium emptied out.  They were waiting for everyone to leave and for the area to be secure.  They had not counted on the disarray they had come upon in the arena.

Williams:  What do you suppose ticked all those people off Peabody?

Peabody:  I dunno. . . kid. . . I dunno. . .

Fade. . .