Wolf: We’ve got more tag action for you tonight folks, with The H-Town Hustlas taking on Fracture. And you know what that means, we’re all that much closer to the main event.
Ace: Those H-Town Hustlas are great guys, they got me a brand new T.V. cheap. Didn’t come in the box and was already programmed, but it works great. You don’t even notice the dent in the side after awhile.
Wolf: You realize that TV was stolen, right?
Ace: Stolen, found, donated. . . who’s to say Wolf?
Wolf: The cops Ace. The cops.
2 of Americkas Most Wanted starts up and the crowd comes alive with cheers. Soon the H-Town Hustlas appear with a shopping cart full of goods; boxes that say things like MAGNABOX and CIRCUIT CITY. They proceed down the ramp, tossing the boxes into the crowd.
Wolf: Radios and TV’s galore Ace, hey is that a boom box?
Ace: I didn’t know they still made those. . . Forget that, these guys are hawking Circuit City merchandise. Didn’t Circuit City go out of business YEARS ago? These guys are incredible. They can scrounge up anything!
When the cart is empty the Hustlas enter the ring, the crowd cheering, those with new stolen appliances raising them in the air.
Wolf: The Hustlas feeling rather generous tonight.
Ace: Just getting rid of the evidence, Wolf. Most people consider them common criminals, but they’re more like Robin Hood and his Merry Men. They steal from the rich and give to the poor.
Escape the Fate starts to play as Schism and Rupture burst through the curtain and sprint into the ring. They are already in the ring before the lyrics even start up.
Wolf: Well here come their opponents for tonight, the men collectively know as Fracture!
Ace: These guys are a sight to see. This should be a good match, Wolf!
Schism jumps into the ring over the bottom rope and rolls to his feet, as Rupture slides in under the bottom rope and runs the ropes a couple of times before jumping onto the middle rope and posing. Schism heads to the corner and poses before backflipping off of the top rope back into the middle of the ring.
Wolf: Always the acrobatic entrance from Fracture, and this match is already under way!
Ace: Them H-Town Hustlas may be rockin white shoes, but they got black ‘soles.’ Black ‘soles’. Haha Get it?
Wolf: That was horrible Ace.
Gutta Boy circles around Schism, the two lock up in the center of the ring in a collar lock. Gutta Boy adjusts the hold into a side headlock. Schism sends Gutta Boy off the ropes, Gutta Boy returns, Schism bends over to lift him over his head, but Gutta Boy sees this and slides on his knees up to Schism and punches him in the face.
Wolf: Gutta Boy off the ropes! Punch to the face by Gutta Boy! He saw that one coming Ace!
Ace: Sure did.
Schism gets knocked back off the ropes from the massive blow, and as he returns Gutta Boy flips him over onto his back with a hip toss. Gutta Boy taunts Schism as he gets to his feet, and as he stands Gutta Boy sends him to the mat with a dropkick to the face.
Wolf: Dropkick by Gutta Boy. All offensive belonging to The H-Town Hustlas so far, Ace.
Ace: Yeah but don’t count Fracture out! These guys are amazing high flying acts. You don’t seem much of that down in Houston.
Schism crawls to the corner and quickly tags in Rupture. Gutta Boy looks to Rodd Macc and the crowd cheers, so Gutta Boy tags in Rodd Macc. Rodd Macc enters the ring.
Wolf: Both me tagging out, and its Rodd Macc facing off against Rupture now.
Ace: Nicely done by Schism, getting out of the ring before taking to much damage. This is a smart tag team Wolf.
Rodd Macc and Rupture circle one another in the center of the ring, sizing one another up. Rodd Macc goes for a lock up, Rupture ducks it then punches him in the face, then again, then once more. Rupture then goes to throw Rodd Macc off the ropes, but Rodd Macc reverses the Irish whip and tosses Rupture into the ropes. Rupture returns, and Rodd Macc clotheslines him to the mat.
Wolf: Massive clothesline from Rodd Mac! Rupture is down!
Ace: Not for long, Wolf!
Rupture quickly gets up and Rodd Macc clotheslines him again to the mat. Rupture crawls to the ropes, Rodd Macc throws him off the ropes and upon the return Rodd Macc powerslams him to the mat. Schism enters the ring and Rodd Macc knocks him to the mat with a clothesline all of his one. Rodd Macc then grabs Rupture by the hair and tags in Gutta Boy.
Wolf: Quick tag from the H-Town Hustlas, Gutta Boy in now.
Ace: That’s smart Wolf, gotta keep fresh!
Rodd Macc lifts Rupture up on his shoulders, as Gutta Boy runs off the ropes, but upon returning Rupture has already slipped off of Rodd Macc’s shoulders. Rupture hits Gutta Boy with a dropkick. Schism then gives Rodd Macc a dropkick out of his own, knocking him out of the ring.
Wolf: There goes Rod Macc, after a couple of dropkicks from Fracture.
Schism runs off the ropes, and upon returning dives out of the ring, hitting Rodd Macc with a spring board cross body.
Meanwhile in the ring, Rupture tosses Gutta Boy into the ropes. Upon his return, Rupture slides between his legs, and from behind he lifts Gutta Boy, then slamming him down on the mat face first.
Wolf: Classic Rupture ladies and gentlemen, the belly to back suplex lift to the facebuster!
Ace: These guys are fun to watch!
Rupture goes for the pin.
Wolf: We’ve got a pin! 1. . . 2. . . no! Kick out by Gutta Boy!
Ace: Gutta Boy has been in worst fights than this! He can take a lot more than that Fracture!
Fracture lifts Gutta boy to his feet, then drags him quickly to the mat with an arm drag. Gutta Boy gets up again only to receive yet another arm drag.
Wolf: Series of arm drags here from Fracture.
With Gutta Boy on the mat, Fracture eyes him, measuring him up, and then hits him with a standing moonsault.
Wolf: The athleticism of these guys is amazing! Most people can’t even do a moonsault from the top rope, let alone standing!
Ace: We’ve got a pin Wolf!
Wolf: 1. . . 2. . . no! Kick out! Gutta Boy kicks out!
Rupture rises to his feet and sees Schism and Rodd Macc still fighting on the outside. He runs off the ropes then upon his return jumps to the top rope and then flings himself outside, landing on both Rodd Macc and Schism.
Wolf: High risk maneuver from Rupture! He just took out Rodd Macc and Schism!
Gutta Boy gets to his feet and sees the carnage outside of the ring, and quickly exits the ring and joins in. He punches Rupture in the back of the head a few times then tosses him up against the ring. Meanwhile Schism and Gutta boy a fighting off near the ring steps.
Wolf: We’ve got total pandemonium here folks. This match has turned into a street fight!
Ace: Advantage: H-Town Hustlas. This is exactly the sort of match they want to fight Wolf.
Wolf: Come on ref, regain order here!
Ace: Fuck it, let em go!
Gutta Boy punches Rupture a few times in the face and then tosses him into the steel ring steps, but Rupture jumps on them and quickly jumps off, hitting Rodd Macc with a jumping leg lariat.
Wolf: What a move by Rupture! Rodd Macc, fighting with Schism never saw that leg lariat coming.
Ace: He’s down Wolf, and look at Schism!
Switching partners, Schism follows Rupture’s lead and uses the steel ring steps as a platform to jump from. He jumps, wrapping his legs around Gutta Boy and throwing him to the ground with a hurricanrana.
Wolf: My god Ace! That was beautiful! Using the steel steps as a point to jump from! Amazing Ace!
Ace: That fans are eating this shit up! Gutta Boy looks like someone just shit in his cereal!
Schism tosses Gutta Boy into the ring, and climbs up on the apron after him. He stands, waiting for Gutta Boy to get to his feet, and when he does, Schism pulls himself up to the top rope and leaps off with a springboard dropkick.
Wolf: Springboard drop kick from Schism! Gutta Boy is down.
Ace: Meanwhile, Rupture and Rodd Macc are beating the hell out of one another! This tag match has deteriorated quickly Wolf.
Schism crawls over to the fallen Gutta Boy and covers him.
Wolf: We’ve got a pin, but where the hell is the referee?!
Ace: He’s on the outside Wolf, trying to break up Rodd Macc and Rupture.
The referee stands between Rupture and Rodd Macc, trying to separate them. Inside the ring Schism looks up and see’s the ref is occupied. Angrily he jumps to his feet and leans out over the ropes shouting at the referee. The ref turns seeing Schism yelling at him.
Ace: This is the most overpaid referee in the business. This guy is horrible!
Wolf: He gets paid minimum wage.
Ace: I know! And it’s too damn much!
As Schism yells at the referee, Gutta Boy gets up and pulls Schism down on his back with a school boy pin. The ref slides in for the count.
Wolf: 1. . . 2. . . No! Schism manages to kick out!
Ace: That one was awful close Wolf, that may have been two.
Wolf: No Ace, it was only two!
Ace: Two and nine tenth seconds?
Gutta Boy and Schism slowly get to their feet as Rodd Macc and Rupture return to their neutral corners. Gutta Boy punches Schism in the face with a right, then a left, and then tosses him into the ropes. Upon returning Schism surprises Gutta Boy, spinning and kicking him clean in the face with a heel kick.
Wolf: Spinning heel kick from Schism! Fracture building momentum here.
Schism then picks up the fallen Gutta Boy and tosses him into Fracture’s neutral corner. Gutta Boy’s back hits the turnbuckle with a thud, and Schism tags in Rupture.
Wolf: Rupture in now.
Ace: How the hell can you tell the difference? Both of these guys are in masks!
Wolf: You’ve gotta go with the colors, Ace.
Ace: Oh, well, Orange in the ring now, having been tagged in by Purple.
Rupture kicks Gutta Boy in the stomach and then breaks him over his knee with a twilt-o-whirl backbreaker. While still over his knee Schism times it and drops a leg drop on Gutta Boys kneck.
Wolf: What a combination move there by Fracture! Every tag team out there needs to be taking notes—this is how you wrestle as a team!
Ace: Purple and Orange Combo Attack!
Rupture goes for the pin.
Wolf: We’ve got another pin, 1. . .2. . . no Rodd Macc breaks it up!
Rodd Macc breaks up the pin with a kick to the back of Rupture’s head. The referee then gets in Rodd Macc’s face, pushing him back to his corner. Not wanting to be disqualified, Rodd Macc throws up his hands in innocence and backs to the corner before climbing through the ropes to the apron.
Wolf: What a match we’ve had for you so far tonight folks.
Ace: Yeah Purple and Orange are flying all over the ring!
Angered, Rupture charges Rodd Macc on the apron and dropkicks off the apron to the outside. Then rising to his feet he brings Gutta Boy to his feet and tosses him into Fracture’s corner. He tags Schism then brings Gutta Boy to the center of the ring and promptly trips his with a spinning kick. Gutta Boy hits the mat with a slam. Schism runs off the ropes and Rupture lefts him dropping with down on Gutta Boy with a back body drop.
Wolf: Rupture just back body dropped Schism right on to Gutta Boy. What a move Ace!
Ace: That’s one way to get ahead, use your partner as a weapon.
Schism goes for the cover.
Wolf: 1. . . 2. . . no! Gutta Boy kicks out. He looks hurt Wolf.
Ace: He just had a full grown man dropped right on top of him. Anyone would be hurt after that! Last time Gutta Boy was hurt this bad he was shot at by an angry shop owner.
Schism picks up Gutta Boy to his feet, and kicks him once in the head. The crowd pops at the shot, and then Schism takes Gutta Boy and tosses him up against the ropes. Gutta Boy hooks his arms and goes for the desperation tag.
Wolf: Smart move by Gutta Boy putting on the brakes and getting the quick tag.
Ace: He’s street smart Wolf.
Rodd Macc comes into the ring and quickly overpowers Schism, sending him to the mat with a big boot. Rupture then comes flying in the ring from the top turnbuckle, but Rodd Macc picks him up and choke slams him to the mat. Both Schism and Rupture roll out of the ring, as Rodd Macc pumps up the crowd.
Wolf: Rodd Macc has just cleared the ring! Listen to these fans Wolf!
Ace: And that’s why you’ve got to love tag matches, the momentum can change at any moment!
Schism in the first in the ring, and Rodd Macc goes over to him and promptly kicks him in the gut. He lifts him and slams him to the mat.
Wolf: Pump handle slam by Rodd Macc!
Rodd Macc goes for the cover.
Ace: Pin Wolf! Pin!
Wolf: 1. . . 2. . . No! Kick out by Schism!
Frustrated Rodd Macc picks up Schism and slams him down to the mat again with a massive vertical suplex. Schism hits the mat with a loud thud and Rodd Macc quickly goes for the cover.
Wolf: Another cover by Rodd Macc! Is it gonna be enough? 1. . . 2. . . Kick out!
Rodd Macc stomps Schism a few times before trying to Irish whip him into the corner. Schism reverses, instead throwing Rodd Macc into the turnbuckle. Rodd Macc lifts himself up using the top ropes and tries to shoot over Schism, who he assumes is charging him. But Schism has stopped, and as Rodd Macc lands, Schism charges him and tackles his knee.
Wolf: What a tackle by Schism!
Ace: Rodd Macc tried to shoot over him, but the only problem was Schism had stopped in his tracks! Now look at him!
Rodd Macc groans on the mat, grabbing his knee. Schism quickly slides out of the ring and grabs Rodd Macc’s leg, pulling it back. He then forces his knee into the steel post in the corner. Rodd Macc sells the injury, groaning and grabbing his knee, as Gutta boy moves to the corner trying to stop Schism.
Ace: Poor Rodd! He may never walk again!
The referee gets in Gutta Boy’s face, directing him back to his neutral corner. Gutta Boy complies, cursing, and as he does, Schism takes the opportunity to ram Rodd Macc’s knee into the post again.
Wolf: My God, Schism is using that post just like a weapon!
Rodd Macc crawls into the center of the ring, as Schism slides in under the bottom rope. Schism quickly grabs Rodd Macc’s leg, lifting it and then kicking him right in the back of the knee. Schism then grabs his leg, and Rodd Macc tries to kick him away, but Schism turns him over and wrenches on his knee.
Wolf: Submission move here! Rodd Macc could be in trouble!
Ace: He’s right in the middle of the ring Wolf, with absolutely nowhere to go!
Rodd Macc writhes in pain as the referee lies flat on the mat talking to him, checking to see if he would like to submit. Schism wrenches back as Rodd Macc struggles for the ropes. Slowly he makes his way over to the ropes, and Schism breaks the hold.
Wolf: That was a close one Ace!
Ace: But the damage has already been done! Rodd Macc’s knee is utterly fucked!
Rodd Macc tries to get to his feet, but struggles with the pain surging through his knee. He grimaces, grabbing onto the ropes. Schism takes one look at him and then tags in Rupture.
Wolf: Rupture in now. Rodd Macc has got to get that tag!
Ace: Good luck with that knee! He can’t put any weight on it!
Rupture and Schism then grab Rodd Macc and toss him into the ropes. Rodd Macc runs with a noticeable limp, and as he bounces off the ropes Gutta Boy makes the blind tag. The ref sees it an indicates the tag as Rodd Macc runs to the center of the ring and get’s drop kicked by both Schism and Rupture.
Wolf: Double dropkick, but Gutta Boy made the tag!
Ace: I told you they were street smart, Wolf.
Gutta Boy runs into the ring and hits Schism with a hard right, knocking him to the mat. He then hits Rupture with a hard right, knocking him to the mat. Schism rolls out of the ring as Gutta Boy, full of energy, brings Rupture to his feet. He hits him with a hard right, then a left, and then he goes for another right, but Rupture blocks it and then spins, hitting Gutta boy in the face with a spinning kick.
Wolf: Massive kick by Rupture, and Gutta Boy is down! This match keeps going back and forth, back and forth.
Ace: This is the type of match you pay money for. All you damn cheapskates sure are lucky.
Rupture then tags in Schism, who enters the ring by hopping over the top rope. The two of them then pick up Gutta Boy, who staggers there on his feet. Rupture then sizes up Gutta Boy and kicks him savagely in the head.
Wolf: Pele Kick! Pele Kick from Rupture. My God did you hear that sound?
Ace: Like squashin’ a melon, Wolf.
Gutta Boy staggers and falls to the mat. Schism climbs the ropes and then dives off, flipping head first and then spinning sideways in the air before landing directly on Gutta Boy.
Wolf: There it is the ever beautiful Spiral Tap!
Schism goes for the cover, and Rodd Macc tries to get into the ring, but with his bad knee he makes slow work of it.
Wolf: We’ve got a pin! 1. . . 2. . . 3! That’s it! It’s all over.
Rodd Macc falls to the mat with his bad knee as the bell rings and raises Schism’s hand.
Ace: There are your winners ladies and gentlemen, Fracture!
Wolf: What a great match! The Hustlas put forth a valiant effort, but in the end, Fracture were just too much for them.
Ace: It’s alright, I still love the Hustlas and my new TV!
The camera pans around the corner following Ian Michaels as he heads for the exit. On the outside, Tim Ross stands smoking a blunt with a huge smile across his ex-con face.
Dark: So Cancer doesn’t care about The Row. . .
Dark stands in the back, before a banner emblazoned with Death Row Wrestling. Toro stands nearby, growling like a little dog.
Dark: So Cancer doesn’t give a shit about the title. . .
Toro barks. Dark smokes his cigarette, the cherry eye burning brighter as he inhales.
Dark: Well that’s all fine and dandy. Because I don’t give a shit about it either. Tonight it’s about kicking his ass. Tonight it’s about shutting him up for good. Cancer’s been smoking dope for so long he doesn’t even know it’s not cool to smoke weed anymore, not unless you’re sixteen and doing it in mom’s basement. . . and that’s about as cool as a dope head gets: sitting in his mom’s basement, laughing because he thinks it’s funny his bong looks like a long dong and his long dong bong’s balls bubble when he takes a hit.
He flicks the cigarette disgusted.
Dark: Oh, and happy Fourth, fuckwads.
Wolf: Its main event time folks! And that can only mean one thing, a triple threat match for the biggest prize in the company, the Death Row Title.
Ace: Dark is going to have to watch his back tonight. He’s got two opponents in the ring, both looking to take his title away from him. If he loses he’ll have to find himself a new ashtray.
Wolf: If he follows his techniques in the past, he’ll let Cancer and Skidd Row do most of the work for him.
Ace: Well that’s what you gotta do! That’s the smart thing to do in a match like this! Watch the other fellows beat each other silly and come in at the right moment for the pin.
Wolf: We’d like to recap how we got here folks. . .
A clip plays showing the gauntlet match from Death from Above.
Wolf: Six men entered, and only one survived, Cancer Jiles, making him the number one contender for The Death Row Title.
Ace: That’s right Wolf, after two Terminal Cancers, it was all she wrote.
The clips shows the two Terminal Cancers in question, and the following pin by Cancer.
Wolf: But after controversy arose, surrounding Doozer and his participation in the match as special guest referee, Tim Ross announced that Skidd Row will also be participating in the title hunt; hence the Triple Threat Match.
Ace: Skidd Row best be praising the Heavens he’s got another chance here tonight. The kid must have horseshoes up his ass.
Wolf: And to further complicate matters, after Lethal Injection was announced, Tim Ross shocked the wrestling world by naming Chance Von Crank guest referee for tonight’s match.
Ace: You can’t trust white trash, Wolf. The Prince of Pullout is a wild card tonight, anything can happen.
A shot gun cocks, and then fires. . .
Shock’N’Rolla. . .
Here to show ya. . .
Cocked back and fucking loaded. . .
Chance. . .
Von. . .
Crank. . .
The guitar intro to Mortal Kombat (Metal Version) starts up as the crowd boos.
Wolf: Well here he comes ladies and gentlemen, Chance Von Crank to his new music.
Ace: You see that video he did Wolf? Don’t quit your day job Chance. . .
Wolf: Hey, Chance is a jack of all trades.
The Trailer Park Prodigy emerges from behind the curtain to a chorus of boos. He stands wearing his wrestling trunks and the black and white of a referee. A CVC Fucking Sucks chant starts as Chance raises his arms, as if he’s showering in their hatred.
Wolf: Not much love for Chance Von Crank here in Mississippi tonight.
Ace: Just jealousy Wolf. These folks wish they could be white trash royalty too.
Chance begins his walk to the ring, turning to the crowd occasionally to simulate masturbation out in front of his body. When he’s done he screams ‘AW SKI SKI’ after a few strokes, signaling he’s finished.
CVC FUCKING SUCKS. . . CVC FUCKING SUCKS. . . CVC FUCKING SUCKS. . .
Ace: A few women out there would feel privileged to take a Chance Von Crank shot in the mouth.
Wolf: And most of those women are his distant relatives. . .
Crank slides into the ring and stands to his feet, wiping his referee’s shirt with a smile on his face. Chance climbs a turnbuckle and raises his arms as the crowd switches gears:
FUCK YOU CVC. . . FUCK YOU CVC. . . FUCK YOU CVC. . .
Wolf: Thank God that’s over, I felt dirty just watching that.
Ace: And that, Wolf. . . is why they call him The Trailer Park Prodigy.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, introducing first, the guest referee for tonight’s triple threat match. . . Chance. . . . Vonnnn. . . Crank!
The crowd boos.
“I am Cool” begins to play and the crowd continues to boo with more intensity. Cancer Jiles emerges from behind the curtain with a smile on his face. It is yet another opportunity for The Row to witness The Cool One.
Wolf: Well here he comes, the number one contender for The Death Row Title.
Ace: And quite deserving of it too, Wolf. He beat out five other men for his chance at the title against Dark tonight. Will the drunkard be going home empty handed, or will he go home drunk after a celebratory party?
Wolf: Something tells me he’s going drunk either way, Ace.
Ace: You’re probably right!
Cancer begins his walk to the ring, taking in the crowd. Numerous signs begin to appear, announcing twitter accounts and the sign holder’s hatred or adoration for particular wrestlers. Cancer walks down the aisle, doing his best at every moment to exude cool. You can barely notice the hitch in his gait due to the two stab wounds he received from Chance Von Crank in the prison cell match.
Ace: And he really is the coolest member of The Row, not including me, of course.
Wolf: Oh of course.
Ace: What? I’m cool!
Wolf: Shit Ace, even I know chain wallets went out in the nineties!
Ace: Hey it’s considered retro now!
Chance climbs into the ring as cool as possible. He stands as cool as possible. He’s so cool he doesn’t even take off his sunglasses. He looks to Chance and Chance meets his gaze, with an insolent smirk. They exchange words but it cannot be heard over all of the fans booing, though one can only assume it’s about ‘calling the match down the middle.’
In response, Crank thrusts his pelvis in Cancer’s direction.
Wolf: Crank has already stabbed Cancer twice already, and quite literally, what’s to keep him from stabbing him in the back tonight?
Ace: Nothing Wolf. Nothing. And that’s why Tim Ross is da Boss.
The crowd buzzes as the Desoto Civic Center as the lights dim and the unmistakable intro to ‘Sabatoge’ begins to play. From behind the curtain Skidd Row appears in his customary ring gear. He looks out onto the crowd and smiles as the music builds.
Ace: I tell you Wolf, he’s got a horseshoe up his ass! He’s lucky to be here!
Wolf: Lucky or not, he’s here, and you’d be pretty dense to think he’s not going to try his best to take advantage of the situation. He’s a little smarter, a little more acquainted with Cancer Jiles—
Ace: There real question though is will it be enough?
I can’t stand it—
I know you planned it--
Skidd Row charges down the ramp with all the enthusiasm of a man who has been given a second chance. The fans reach out to touch them and he appeases them with a few slaps here and there, but his more concerned with getting into the ring.
Wolf: As usual Skidd Row is being held back by his height and weight in this match, something he’s had to deal with most of his career.
Ace: No wonder he spent so much time in the indys.
Wolf: Don’t count him out though Ace, this kid has got heart!
Skidd Row slides under the rope and getting to his feet he eyes Cancer and Chance, keeping his distance. He then directs his attention toward the crowd, and in response the crowd cheers. . .
The crowd quiets down as Skidd Row begins to stretch himself out. Cancer stands in his corner smiling, still reeking of The Cool. Chance runs a hand through his mullet as ‘Binge and Purge begins to fill the arena. The fans instantly begin to booze.
Wolf: Well here he comes folks, the man of the hour.
Ace: The Death Row Champ himself!
As is customary, Dark takes a long time to come out. The music continues to play, the fans booing, his two opponents in the ring preparing for the match.
Wolf: Well two-thirds of the match are here. . . but where’s the Champ?
Ace: No this is smart! He can’t rightly lose the title if he doesn’t show up right?
The crowd buzzes, only a few fans losing their vigor for booing.
Wolf: He’s out back finishing up a twelve pack, no doubt.
Ace: No, here he comes!
The music continues to play as Dark saunters out from behind the curtain. He has a cigarette in his mouth, which he then proceeds to light. He takes a big hit of it and exhales, looking out on the crowd and the entire scene before him with little entrance. He slightly turns his head and El Toro appears, his arms raised high over his little head, the Death Row Title held in his chubby fingers.
Dark continues his walk down the ramp, with El Toro following. The fans shower him with boos, but he seems not to notice. When he reaches the steps he flings his cigarette carelessly into the crowd.
Wolf: It is a fact Ace, thrown cigarettes are more dangerous than second hand smoke.
Dark enters the ring and heads to a corner, where he proceeds to slump against the turnbuckle, facing toward the center of the ring. El Toro hands the title to the ref and begins checking on Dark. His first job is to give him another cigarette and light it, which he does.
Ace: Looks like Dark’s taking a smoke break here, after several weeks in the hospital, where of course he wasn’t allowed to smoke. You hear they even restrained him to keep him from doing it Wolf?
The referee holds up the belt for all to see as the Announcer starts up:
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your main event! [Pop] Scheduled for one fall, this match is for the Death Row Title! Introducing first, challenger number one, from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, weighing in at two hundred and twenty five pounds, he is Mr. Cool, Cancer Jiiiillllleeees!
Cancer removes his glasses, otherwise showing no acknowledgement to his announcement.
Wolf: Cancer looking calm as always, what’s he gonna have to do tonight, Ace?
Ace: Win. That much is obvious. He’s already proven he can beat both of these men. Now all he has to do is do it again.
Wolf: Great analysis there Ace, thanks [sarcasm].
Announcer: Introducing challenger number two, from Chicago, Illinois, weighing in at one hundred and ninety pounds, Skiiiiiddd Rooooooowwww!
The fans cheer as Skidd raises his arms for the crowd.
Wolf: Skidd Row much beloved here in Mississippi.
Ace: He’s loved everywhere, Wolf. It makes me sick.
Announcer: And introducing the champion. . . from Bakersfield, California, weighing in at two hundred and fifty pounds, he is the current reigning Death Row Champion, the Illustrated Man, DDDDaaaaarrrrrkkk!
The crowd boos and Dark remains in his corner, slumped over with a cigarette dangling out of his mouth. The bell rings and still he remains in the corner, hardly acknowledging the start of the match. . .
Wolf: Well the match has begun, but you wouldn’t know it by the Champ.
Ace: He hardly looks interested Wolf!
Dark slumps in the corner, slowly smoking his cigarette. Cancer and Skidd Row size him up, moving slowly towards him, not quite knowing what to make of it. With a gesture, Dark encourages them to fight one another.
Wolf: What a coward! He wants no part of Skidd Row or Cancer!
Ace: No, no, this is smart! He wants them to tire one another out!
Wolf: Yeah, good luck with them actually complying with that wish.
Cancer and Skidd Row inch closer, as Dark starts point fingers at them. He can seen talking over his cigarettes, but the words are inaudible. Both Skidd Row and Cancer can be seen responding.
Wolf: Well, our combatants are having a little verbal battle here.
Ace: What do you think they’re saying Wolf?
Wolf: Well they certainly aren’t talking about what they’re going to have for dinner after the match, Ace!
Chance Von Crank walks toward the men and can be heard screaming “FIGHT ALREADY YOU PUSSIES,” but both Dark and Cancer ignore him.
Wolf: Well you can’t blame Chance, he’s just doing his job. Though I’m not sure an official should speak that way.
Ace: Aww fuck Ace, The Trailer Park Prodigy can do whatever he wants!
The conversation becomes heated, all three Dark and Cancer now yelling at one another. They continue to jabber and Skidd Row feels left out. He waves his hands in the air, as if to say ‘hey I’m here too,’ but both Cancer and Dark ignore him.
Wolf: Well neither Dark or Cancer showing Skidd Row much attention. They’re ignoring him all together.
Ace: Look at Skidd! He’s like a kid that wants attention from mommy, but mommy is too busy trying to get laid.
Suddenly Dark laughs and tosses his cigarette in Skidd Row’s face.
Wolf: My God that was uncalled for!
Ace: Smoking is bad for your health, Wolf!
Skidd Roww puts up his hands and swipes the cigarette away, and both he and Cancer charge Dark in the corner. They both start pummeling the Death Row Champ with lefts and rights. The crowd cheers at the sight of Dark getting the shit beat out of him.
Wolf: Both men now are taking it to the champ! It’s two on one!
The blows knock Dark on his ass, he’s now sitting up against the turnbuckle. Both Cancer and Skidd Row start to stomp on him, Dark taking every kick.
Wolf: Well that’s what you get Dark! You never should have instigated this!
Ace: Aww hell, he’s probably so drunk he doesn’t even feel it!
Skidd Row grabs Dark and then tosses him into the ropes. Evading the ropes, Darks slides to a stop and then quickly turns around and charges Skidd. As he returns Skidd Row jumps up and plants him square in the chest with a dropkick.
Wolf: Textbook dropkick by Skidd Row! This kid isn’t wasting any opportunities. He’s got a shot and he’s gonna take it!
Dark then gets to his feet and and Cancer charges him, slamming him to the map with a clothesline. Cancer turns around and Skidd Row gives him a dropkick as well, knocking him to the mat.
Wolf: Quick cover! 1… 2—no! Dark breaks up the pin.
Dark grabs Skidd Row by the hair and brings him to his feet. Skidd Row grimaces from the hair pulling, and Dark raises his free hand, measures it up and hits Skidd Row with a left haymaker to the face, knocking him to the mat.
Wolf: Heavy punch from Dark!
Ace: Here we go ladies and gentlemen! Now the drunkard is up and ready to fight!
Dark brings Skidd Row to his feet by his hair, while Cancer catches his breath. Dark hits Skidd Row with a calculated left, then a right, then a right to the kidneys, causing Skidd Row’s knees to buckle.
Ace: Someone is gonna be pissing blood tomorrow!
Wolf: Devastating kidney punch Ace! The kidneys are not very well protected, and one well placed blow can knock the wind right out of your sails!
Dark then tosses Skidd Row into the corner. Dark saunters over to him laughing, and then proceeds to gnaw at his forehead with his own teeth.
Wolf: My God he’s takin’ a bite out of Skidd Row!
Ace: Look out kids, he may have rabies!
Dark then grabs Skidd Row by the head and starts pushing it down toward the barbwire. Chance tells Dark to break the hold, but only half heartedly.
Wolf: Oh my God! Look out Skidd! What the hell is Chance doing in there?
Ace: Dark is gonna disfigure this poor boy! Hell maybe even blind him! Chance is doing whatever the hell he wants Wolf!
Skidd Row struggles against Dark, his face getting closer and closer to the barbed wire. Suddenly Cancer charges Dark with a body splash, both Dark and Skidd Row taking the brunt of the body splash. They crumble out of the corner, Dark staggering backward. Cancer hooks his head and slams him down with a reverse DDT.
Wolf: Reverse DDT from the Cool One.
Ace: Damn I wanted to see Skidd Row scarred for life!
Wolf: The night is still early, Ace!
Cancer looks at Chance, who smiles and then goes for the cover. Chance slowly drops to his knees.
Wolf: 1. . . . . . kickout! Jesus Christ that count was a tad slow, don’t you think Ace?
Ace: No that was your standard 3 count. . . What you don’t think Chance has still got it in for Cancer do you? Do you not read Twitter? Cancer threatened to kill him if he fucked him tonight!
Cancer immediately gets to his feet and gets up in Chance’s face. Chance smiles and sticks a finger in Cancer’s face, acting very authoritative.
Wolf: Chance scolding Cancer now with a few choice words.
Ace: Chance is a true professional. If wrestling doesn’t work out he could always become the most reliable referee in the business!
Wolf: Reliable?! I’ve had Italian cars more reliable than Chance Van Crank.
Skidd Row then gets to his feet and quickly pins Cancer with a school boy.
Wolf: Crank with the count, 1..2..kickout! Hey now, that was awfully fast.
Ace: I didn’t see any difference.
Wolf: That was fast Ace, and I’m not the only one who thinks so.
Dark and Cancer now in Chance’s face, arguing the count. Again Chance claims innocence, raising his arms up at both men. The argument continues, and escalates into a shoving match. Cancer shoves Chance, who in turn shoves him back. Dark then shoves Chance, who in turn returns the favor.
Wolf: We’ve got a shoving match here! What are we, children!
Ace: They’ve forgotten all about Skidd Row.
Skidd Row is up on his feet now, and seeing the altercation he charges the group and drop kicks the mass off men, all three of them colliding with the ropes. The crowd pops as the three men are all tangled up in the barbed wire.
Wolf: Oh my God ace! Oh My God! Skidd Row just sent Chance, Cancer, and Dark into that barbed wire! It’s a heap of flesh!
Ace: Look at them caught up in that barbed wire! The agony!
The barbed wire collapses under the weight of the three men, all three of them flying out of the ring. The crowd pops as they sprawl out on the floor. Chance’s referee shirt has been torn from the barbed wire, and Dark is bleeding from the back.
Wolf: Jesus Christ Ace! The ring is falling apart here!
Skidd Row soaks up the cheers of the fans, his arms out. He then gathers speed and jumps off the ring, unhindered now that the ropes on one side of the ring have been knocked out. He lands on Dark with a body splash.
Wolf: Massive body splash by Skidd Row.
Ace: We’ve got utter carnage here!
Skidd Row begins pounding Dark with lefts and rightson the ground, as Cancer tries to get to his feet. He slowly gets up and ascends up Skidd Row, grabbing him by the hair and tossing him off of Dark. Cancer then begins to beat up on Skidd Row.
Wolf: Cancer taking it to Skidd Row now, blow after blow!
Ace: Has the cool one lost his cool? No fucking way!
Chance von Crank gets up, observes his torn referee shirt and tears it off. He then wraps it up tight and proceeds to choke Skidd Row with it.
Wolf: The referee shirt is off! The referee shirt is off! Does that mean Chance won’t be calling this match any longer?
Ace: I don’t know, but he sure is pissed of at Skidd!
Chance continues to choke Skidd, then breaks the choke and tosses his shirt into the crowd. The fan who receives it promptly throws it back. It lands on Chance’s face and he rips it off, turning to the crowd looking for the person who did it.
Ace: Jesus Christ, no one is safe tonight Wolf! Not even the fans.
Wolf: Get back kid! The Trailer Park Prodigy is pissed off!
Chance continues to yell at the crowd, throwing insults as Cancer picks up Skidd Row and tosses him in the ring. Cancer climbs in after him. Cancer then hooks Skidd Row’s arm over his head and slams him to the mat with snap suplex.
Wolf: Snap suplex from the cool one!
Wolf: Tired from what? Standing around watching?
Again Cancer gets in Chances face, but soon gives up the cause when he sees Dark crawling into the ring. He heads over to Dark, who is now standing and punches him in the face, again, again, one more time, the shots rocking Dark back on his heels.
Wolf: More offense here from Cancer. He’s taking it to the champ!
Ace: Again, he’s probably so drunk he doesn’t even feel it!
Cancer then tosses Dark into the barbed wire. Dark screams as the barbs enter his back, the crowd popping at the violence. Dark comes off the ropes gingerly, and Cancer measures him up, hitting him square in the face with a super kick.
Wolf: There it is, there it is! The Million Dollar Dream! But will Chance make the count?
Cancer covers Dark, and Chance slowly drops to his knees.
Wolf: There’s the count! 1. . . . . . . . . 2. . . . . . . Wait what’s Chance doing?
Chance gets up and looks at Cancer, and then thrusts his pelvis at him whilst flipping him off. Angered, Cancer gets up and stares down Chance, belting him with a few choice words.
Wolf: It appears these two have some bad blood still!
Ace: I’d be pissed too if I got shanked in both my thighs. Look at em jawing!
Chance smirks at one of Cancer’s comments, and the two of them are face to face now. Suddenly Chance throws a right and Cancer returns a right of his own. They both start punching one another.
Wolf: Chance and Cancer are going at it now! This match is total pandemonium!
Ace: Hey you think Chance will make the pin and count himself the winner? He could become the champ!
Wolf: Good point Wolf, Dark doesn’t even need to be pinned tonight to lose his title!
Chance then breaks the stream of punching by kicking Cancer in the gut and then lifting him high over his head and slamming him down between his legs.
Wolf: My God! The RazzleDazzleR The RazzleDazzleR!
Ace: That move is trademarked you know.
The crowd buzzes as Chance stands over Cancer and then proceeds to spit in his face. Laughing he looks around at the crowd and adjusts his mullet. Dark is up now, and so is Skidd, seeing Cancer down they both try to the cover.
Wolf: A double pin!
Dark gets angry and pulls Skidd off and then goes for the cover.
Wolf: Pin by Dark now!
Cancer then walks over to the fallen Skidd Row, who’s trying to get to his feet. Skidd Row gets to his feet and Cancer promptly gouges him in the eye. Skidd Row reaches up to his eye, grimacing, as Cancer grabs him, lifts him in the air and slingshots him into the ropes. Skidd Row lands abdomen first on the wire, the crowd popping at the violence.
Wolf: Sling shot right into the barbed wire!
Ace: Skidd Row just got a stomach full of barbed wire!
Wolf: The Cool one in control, he goes for the pin! Where’s Chance?! Chance?
Chance can be seen on the outside, collecting his breath. He sees the pin and sighs. He then climbs slowly into the ring and drops to his knees. Skidd Row kicks out before Chance even makes the count.
Wolf: Well its obvious Chance isn’t going to call this one down the middle.
Ace: What are you talking about? Referees get tired too! He’s just tired that’s all.
Skidd Row gets to his feet and does the same, pulling Dark off of Cancer and then going for the pin.
Ace: Pin by Skidd!
Dark gets to his feet and grabs Skidd by the ankle pulling him off of Cancer. He then lifts his leg and slams Skidd’s knee right into the matt. Skidd Row sells the drop as Dark proceeds to stomp on him with kicks.
Wolf: Dark working Skidd into the mat now with those kicks.
Ace: Perhaps the booze has worn off and Dark has achieved clarity! He’s fighting like a man that wants to keep his title!
Wolf: And rightfully so, as Cancer put it so well, Dark needs the title! Without it he’s nothing.
Ace: Nothing but a beer drinking champ with a midget for a friend!
Dark brings Skidd Row to his feet and then locks him up in a rear lock. Dark then slams him to the mat with a german suplex, but he keeps the hold. The two then get up together, Dark still locking Skidd Row from behind. Dark then takes his leg, places it in front of Skidd Row’s left leg and slams him face first into the mat.
Wolf: Reverse Russian Leg sweep from Dark. . . And impressive combination of moves from the Champ.
Ace: He may be a brawler, but he does have a background in wrestling. Sure when he was younger he was more technical, but he’s still got it Wolf. Maybe you have a chance getting back in the ring?
Wolf: Not on your life Ace. I’ll never get in that ring again.
Ace: Just because the first time you got suplexed you shit your pants, doesn’t mean everytime you will.
Wolf: Shut up Ace…
Dark picks up Skidd Row and tries to whip him into the barbed wire. Seeing the wire Skidd Row jumps up to the top rope, standing there momentarily trying to gain his balance before flipping off. He flips but Dark is not there, nevermind though for Skidd Row lands on his feet. Turning around Dark sees this and clothesline’s him to the mat. He then goes for the cover.
Wolf: Dark with the cover… Chance is on it! 1. . . 2. . . No! Cancer breaks up the pin and saves the title for a moment.
Ace: I’m sure Cancer doesn’t mind if Dark loses, as long as he’s the one who beats him!
Dark then turns his attention to Cancer, punching him several times in the face. Dark grabs Cancer and then returns the favor, whipping him into the barbed wire. Cancer writhes as the barbs enter his back, and as he staggers forward Dark leans back and decks him one, right in the kisser. Cancer hits the mat and Dark goes for the cover.
Wolf: There’s another pin, come on now Crank! Do your job!
Crank looks around and suddenly checks his shoe. He looks under it and sniffs the air like he thinks he just stepped in dog shit. Dark, still covering Cancer looks up and says something inaudible to Chance. Chance looks at him, bends slowly as if his back hurts and begins a slow count.
Wolf: 1. . . . . . . . 2. . . . . . Here comes Skidd!
Skidd jumps up, stretching out his leg for a leg drop, but Dark rolls out of the way and Skidd lands on Cancer.
Wolf: Skidd was going for Dark but the drunk got out of the way!
Ace: Pretty fast reflexes for an old man… you sure you don’t want to get back in the ring Wolf?
Wolf: Never… not in a million years.
Dark then grabs Skidd Row and hooks his hand over his head. He lifts him up into the air, stalling for a few moments, positioning himself near the ropes. Dark then brings Skidd Row down on his head, his legs getting hooked up in the ropes.
Wolf: Brainbuster by Dark! Skidd Row is hooked up in the ropes! The barbed wire is digging into his wrestling shorts!
Skidd Row writhes in the barbed wire, his legs trickling blood. Dark stands over him, and lifting his boot he measures it up and drops it right on Skidd Row’s face.
Wolf: My God! He calls that move the curb stomp! He just went at Skidd’s head as if he were trying to squish a mellon.
Dark then turns in time to receive yet another superkick from Cancer, who is now on his feet.
Wolf: Another Million Dollar Dream from Cancer! This match is over! It has to be!
Cancer then goes for the cover.
Wolf: Chance goes for the count. 1. . . . 2. . . what’s this? What’s going on Ace?
Chance gets up from the count, and looking up Cancer looks up in time to see Chance flash a punch at him. His fist is clenched around an object he has just pulled from his pants.
Wolf: Chance had that weapon in his pants all this time! He just hit Cancer with it!
Ace: Cancer is out like a light!
Chance then walks over to Skidd Row, and untangles him from the wire. He then drags Skidd Row and places him on top of Cancer. He drops to his knees and makes the count.
Wolf: 1.2.3! That’s it ! It’s over! Lightening fast count by Chance Von Crank! Skidd Row has won it! The underdog has won it! We have a new champion ladies and gentlemen! But why? Why Skidd Row?!
Ace: It’s simple Wolf, he picked the easiest target! This kid was a lifer in the indys!
Wolf: My god Ace! You’re right! But what makes Chance think he’s the number one contender?
Ace: The way I see it, after tonight Skidd Row owes chance.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen. . . . here is your winner, and NEW Death Row Champion. . . Skidd Row!!!
The title is brought into the ring and immediately Chance snatches it up. He raises it in the air, for Skidd Row is still knocked out. He points to the title and laughs.
Wolf: My God Ace! Chance just screwed over Cancer Jiles and Dark. We’re out of time folks!
Ace: Happy Fourth Everybody!
The camera zooms in on Chance holding the title, a smile on his face.
- Raging Dead