CONTENT

Title: ME TARZAN YOU LOSE
Featuring: Kentucky Tarzan
Date: November 19, 2019
Location: Video posted to TheFWF.com
Show: Pandemonium II



You either clicked Play on this video, or it played by itself when you weren't paying attention. Maybe you thought this was actually a clip from the cartoon. Or maybe you're looking for hentai where Jane gets her cheeks clapped by the gorilla. I don't know what your motives are. I'm not a Google ad algorithm. All I know is, you're here, you're watching a guy in a loincloth dancing on a stage with a bunch of strippers, and we've both got nothing better to do for the next couple minutes. 

"Meet Kentucky Tarzan." Whoever did this voiceover, Ben Stein wants their voice back. "Here we observe the wild beast in his natural habitat, performing mating dance rituals with several potential female partners." Kentucky Tarzan is being pulled off stage by security, while the ladies reach down towards him in sadness that he is being ejected. Much of the audio from the picture is muffled or muted, but Tarzan's wild yells are still there. 

"Watch as the other males, threatened by his dominant masculinity, are forced to work together to eliminate him as a potential suitor to the other females." Kentucky Tarzan is thrown out of the club, with no less than three bouncers needed. He lands near a dumpster that is overflowing.

"Who the fuck let this motherfucker in here with no clothes on anyway? Tell Chucky to quit hittin' the god damn pookie when he's supposed to be out here watching the door!" The door is slammed shut, and Kentucky Tarzan throws a discarded window unit AC at it. 

"Notice that this male is still considered superior..." Two of the 'dancers' come out, approaching the near-nude wildman. He holds out his arms, escorting the ladies away from the strip club. "...as the females have still chosen this man." They both wink at him seductively. 

"However, despite his strength and vigor, he is noted to show compassion and respect for his mates as opposed to many of his kind..." We cut to a different scene, where the same women are now dressed in business-casual attire, shaking hands with a well-dressed executive. It's a fuckin' office, people. Kentucky Tarzan took these two chicks and got them good jobs. Yes, he's also there shaking hands with the executive. 

And yes, he's still in nothing but the loincloth, some vines wrapped around his arms and hemp sandals.

"Looking forward to doing more business with you, sir." Kentucky Tarzan smiles with a firm business handshake. "I believe that with these two ladies working for your marketing department in these target demographics, your profit margins will definitely exceed the shareholder's expectations..."

Both of the girls give Kentucky Tarzan the same wink they gave him in the club. He looks back, raising his eyebrows with a smirk. 

"Now we watch as he interacts with others for the first time, when the FWF will feature Kentucky Tarzan one-on-one with former Royal Marine and gravy enthusiast Harry Black. Enjoy this next piece of footage without narration." We now go to Kentucky Tarzan, filmed backstage at Pandemonium 1. As we will soon learn, this was clearly unfit for air on the program. 

"Hello, Melissa Diaz here along with one of the many new faces in FWF! I'm standing here beside one of MMA's hottest newcomers, known to that sport as Ross Hanson. But to us, he is Kentucky Tarzan."

In the same loincloth, vine and hemp outfit as earlier, Kentucky Tarzan stops pacing around behind Melissa long enough to face the camera. With bugged out eyes, he smiles and waves while nodding his head with maybe a bit too much enthusiasm. 

"TED CRUZ IS THE ZODIAC KILLER! MITCH MCCONNELL PAID ME TO SAY THAT!"

Melissa is slightly derailed at this, but she perseveres with composure. 

"You're coming off a split decision victory in Global Combat Championships, where you continue to show what you've shown since your debut months ago...some of the greatest pure grappling ability we have ever seen in recent memory."

Clips are overlain showing some of Ross' MMA victories. The most recent was a split decision, previously he won via rear naked choke in under two minutes. Before that was a second round TKO via ground and pound elbows. When we come back to the interview, Melissa is asking Tarzan a question...

"Now, we know your family history. Wrestling is in your blood. But so is madness. Are you afraid that this history of mental illness could complicate your future?"

Kentucky Tarzan looks around, then directly into the camera.

"WHAT IS A SPLIT DECISION AND DOES IT COME WITH SPRINKLES ON TOP?"

"Ross..."

"WHO IS ROSS? I DON'T WATCH FRIENDS! I HAVE SEX WITH WOMEN! KENTUCKY TARZAN DOES NOT HAVE NETFLIX, HULU, OR EVEN DISNEY PLUS! KENTUCKY TARZAN IS A TRUE SAVAGE AND HE WATCHES BOOTLEG YOUTUBE UPLOADS!" 

"I can't do this, guys..."

Melissa, finally giving up hope for the interview and possibly all of humanity, walks off. Kentucky Tarzan merely paces in a circle, picking up a ladle and a plate from catering. 

"THERE ARE MASHED POTATOES AND NO GRAVY! HARRY BLACK, YOU SUCKER OF COCK! YOU TOOK ALL THE GOD DAMN GRAVY FOR YOURSELF, YOU SICK SELFISH FUCKIN' TWAT!"

Kentucky Tarzan shoves his face into the entire pan of mashed potatoes, the dreadful sounds coming from this thing are going to keep you up at night for months. 

"KENTUCKY TARZAN WOULD HAVE AT LEAST SAVED SOME GRAVY FOR THE REST OF YOU!" 

With mashed potatoes all over him, the table, and the floor; Kentucky Tarzan throws the pan down like Hershel Walker spiking an infant in the end zone after a touchdown.

"MILK IS THICKER THAN WATER AND THAT CHICK WHO WAS JUST IN HERE IS THICKER THAN THAT! ALSO, WHOEVER TOOK ALL THE GRAVY FOR THE MASHED POTATOES IS GETTING THE SHIT KICKED OUT OF THEM NEXT WEEK! DADDY'S DONE PLAYING GAMES!"

Kentucky Tarzan runs off. The video is finally over. But wait...there's still time left on the bar...he's coming back, isn't he?

"I! AM! GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!"

Kentucky Tarzan dives chest-first and body splashes through the catering tables. A dust cloud of assorted food and silverware goes flying. As Kentucky Tarzan lays on the floor, in between the broken tables and all of the catering...the video finally approaches the final frames, leaving you the viewer to question everything you've just witnessed.

Then, as the FWF logo and information for Pandemonium 2 flashes on your screen, it sinks in: this was actually a promotional video for their match. When the options to replay or go to the next cued up video on autoplay hit, you realize that everything you just watched had one goal in mind: to make you curious about the enigma that is Kentucky Tarzan.

And it worked. 



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