Wolf: We get enough letters as it is, and that pose isn’t helping any.
Ace: Yes please, Cort. I know you can’t read, but there are a lot of Bible thumping Jesus Freaks out there, and they’re the last thing we need!
Cort walks down the ring with purpose and quickly slides under the bottom rope, away from the other wrestlers already in the ring. He looks to Cancer, and then to Chance, who again takes an opportunity to thrust his pelvis. Cort then walks to an empty corner and adjusts his neck, preparing for the start of the match.
Wolf: Cort looks ready tonight, despite some of his extracurricular activities tonight.
Ace: What? The Row isn’t school.
Wolf: The attack of Tombs, Ace… The attack on Tombs.
Ace: Oh yeah, that’s right.
The lights in the arena dim as Binge And Purge by Clutch begins to play. The crowd begins to boo the former Death Row Champion. Not wasting any time, Dark emerges from behind the curtain with a cigarette in his mouth, already burning. He smokes away and looks out on the crowd as El Toro appears behind him, trying his best to look mean.
Wolf: Well here he is folks, the former Death Row Champion. After losing the belt we didn’t see much of Dark.
Ace: That’s right Wolf, he was drowning his sorrows in every bar up and down the west coast. We have reports of altercations from as high up as Seattle, Washington from a man matching Dark’s description.
Wolf: He’s here now, but is he prepared?
Ace: If you mean has he had him a few, I’d say yes.
Dark lets out a belch of gas and cigarette smoke as he makes his way down to the ring. He walks down to the ring, enjoying his cigarette, not looking particularly angry or motivated. He climbs into the ring nonchalantly and steps in through the bottom rope and occupies the only remaining empty corner.
Wolf: All the combatants are now in the ring! Let’s get this shindig going!
Ace: Good things come to those who wait!
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the following match is an over the top battle royal for the number one contender spot for the Death Row Title! A competitor is eliminated only if he is thrown or falls out of the ring over the top rope. After a competitor is eliminated the match continues, until only one wrestler remains, making him the winner of the battle royal.
Ace: Everybody got that?!
Announcer: Introducing first, from Harlan, Kentucky, weighing in at two hundred and sixty pounds, he is The Reluctant One, The Trailer Park Prodigy, The Prince of the Pull Out… He is. . . cVc, Chance Vonnnn Crrrrannnnnkkk!
The crowd lets out an enormous boo as Chance raises his arms and thrusts his hips.
Wolf: There is no one more hated than Chance Von Crank.
Ace: He is truly deserving of these fans hatred, they wish they could live as good as him!
Wolf: Oh please. . .
Announcer: And his opponent, from Philadelpha, Pennsylvania, weighing in at two hundred and twenty-five pounds, he is Mr. Cool, Cannnnceeer Jjjjiiiiilllleeesss!
The crowd lets out yet another torrent of boos as Cancer stands in his corner, finally taking off his glasses.
Wolf: Well the Cool one shed’s his glasses, joining the rest of us ‘nobodies’ in the real world.
Ace: Mr. Cool is so cool most people are lucky to even be given the opportunity to look him in the yes.
Announcer: And his opponent, from St. Helens, Oregon, weighing in at two hundred and nineteen pounds, he is The One Man Misdemanor, Cooooorrrrttt Vaaaannnng!
A mixed reaction erupts from the crowd as Cort Vang continues to stretch his muscles and get the blood flowing. He shows no acknowledgement to having been announced.
Wolf: Well it seems Cort Vang is the only one in this match with a few fans in the arena.
Ace: Death Row baby, the scumbag elite, and FJ Tombs, the nicest guy in the world.
Announcer: And the final competitor, from Bakersfield, California, weighing in at two hundred and fifty pounds, he is The Illustrated Man, Dddddarrrrkkk!
Dark tosses his cigarette outside of the ring as the fans let out even more boos at the former champ. He seems to show no acknowledgement either, and simply clears his nostrils and lets out a cough. The referee raises his arm and the bell rings.
Wolf: Well we’re underway for our first ever battle royal in Death Row history.
Ace: Yeah, and in a match like this its every man for himself! You’ve got to watch your back at all times, keep a low point of gravity, and most of all stay in the damn ring!
All four wrestlers circle around one another, looking from left to right at every competitor.
Wolf: Everyone testing one another out here. There’s a lot of potential dangers in the ring.
Ace: Best to keep moving Wolf… Maybe even strike up an alliance.
The men continue to circle around the ring, keeping a safe space between one another. Chance Von Crank then charges Cancer Jiles and works him into the corner working him with punches with Cort Vang has the same idea and works Dark into the corner with lefts and rights.
Wolf: Old grudges die hard Ace! We’ve got Cancer and Chance squaring off, and Dark and Cort squaring off. Both sets have their history.
Ace: Cancer and Chance have fought in prison cells, they’ve battled one another in the ring, they’ve done it all. . . and Dark and Cort of course have fought for the title.
Wolf: And who can forget Death From Above, where both men took that great spill during the scaffold match?!
Chance climbs the middle turnbuckle and begins punching Cancer, the crowd counting each punch as Cort Vang hits Dark with several chops in the corner. When Chance reaches his ten punch he really swings one at Cancer and then jumps down to the mat, raising his arm. Cort meanwhile hits Dark with two chops and then uses the middle rope to kick Dark right in the face.
Wolf: We’ve got action going on everywhere Ace!
Ace: I know, this is tough to commentate! Punches flying everywhere Wolf.
Cort then grabs Dark, bringing him out of the corner and then he tosses him into the turnbuckle, shoulder first. Dark slides through the top and middle turnbuckle and hits the ring post shoulder first. He sells the injury and falls out of the ring.
Wolf: Dark is eliminated!
Ace: No he’s not you dope! And after I made sure everyone was paying attention! Dark went out through the middle. He didn’t go out over the top rope! He’s still legal!
Wolf: You’re right, Ace. My God I never thought I’d say that…
Dark rolls around outside of the ring as Cort turns and descends upon Chance, who’s still taunting the crowd. Chance turns around just in time to see Cort, and to receive a head butt from Cort. The blow knocks him back up against the ropes.
Wolf: Head butt from Cort, and that hurt both of em, Ace!
Ace: That’s called using your head! Ah get it!
Wolf: That was just. . . terrible.
Cancer, having recovered from the blows then joins Cort and they each take turns pummeling Chance up against the ropes.
Wolf: Chance is in trouble! He’s caught up against the ropes, both men beating on him now! Do we have an alliance?
Ace: No way Wolf. It’s every man for himself, ultimately everyone is looking out for themselves, but if you’ve got an opportunity to double team a guy, you take advantage of it.
Cort and Cancer then bounce Chance off the rope, Irish whipping him into the set of ropes at the other side of the ring. Chance returns off the ropes and both men lift him over his head with a back body drop. Chance gets massive air and lands on the mat with a huge thud.
Wolf: Massive back body drop from both Chance and Cort Vang.
Ace: It seemed like Chance was lost in the rafters for a moment there! My word what height!
Cancer then motions to Cort and they both lift up Chance and start moving him toward the rope.
Wolf: Looks like they’re teaming together to get rid of Chance Von Crank!
Ace: Of course! Cancer can’t beat Chance on his own! He obviously needs help! But look, here’s Dark!
Dark crawls back into the ring and he grabs Cort by his knot and pulls him backward. Dark then hooks his head and slams him down with a reverse DDT. Meanwhile Chance slides out of Cancers hold and kicks him in the nuts.
Wolf: Low blow by Chance! Reverse DDT by Dark! Cort is down! Cancer is down!
Ace: Not a smart move by Dark there. He could have helped Chance and Cort eliminate Chance von Crank, but now he’s got to deal with him.
Dark turns around and looks at cVc, who gets up and stares at Dark. The two then start trash talking one another, yelling obscenities that are beeped out by the censors. They continue to stare at one another talking trash.
Wolf: Stare down by cVc and Dark. This is gonna be ugly Ace!
Ace: Are you kidding! The fans have been begging for a Dark/cVc match and right now they’re about to get it.
The two continue to yell at one another, not noticing Cort nor Chance, who are now on their feet. Cort grabs Chance by the mullet pulling him backward, and then spings and kicks him in the back of the head while Cancer clotheslines Dark to the mat.
Wolf: Clothesline by Cancer. Rolling Savate Kick from Cort Vang!
Ace: Nevermind that, Cort had the gall to touch cVc’s beautiful mullet!
Cancer then looks up and see’s Cort Vang and jumps, kicking him to the mat with a dropkick.
Wolf: Dropkick by Cancer, and now Cort is down. Cancer looks like a warrior surrounded by all these fallen bodies.
Ace: Cancer makes you poetic Wolf, you got the hots for him or what?
Wolf: Shut your mouth! Just shut it.
Ace: I’m just saying, love has been known to make the blood boil and the poetry flow. . .
Cancer picks up Cort Vang and then turns him slowly, dropping his neck down on his shoulder.
Wolf: Slow neck breaker from Cancer.
Cancer then stomps the fallen Cort Vang. He picks him up and tries to toss him over the top rope, but Cort hangs on and lands on the apron outside.
Wolf: Cort Vang almost got eliminated! He went over the top rope but he hung on!
Cort Vang stands up and Cancer jumps and dropkicks him, knocking him out of the ring.
Wolf: He should have rolled in when he had the chance! Cort Vang has been eliminated!
Ace: He went over the rope and now he’s out of the ring. Poor Cort Vang.
Cancer gets to his feet and turns around, as Chance Von Crank and Dark get to their feet.
Wolf: And we’re down to three men now!
The three men circle around one another, keeping space between themselves and their opponents. They circle around the ring as the fans buzz, and Chance can’t help it an opens his mouth. He starts jawing at Cancer, who responds as cooly as he can, and then turns to Dark and starts taunting him. All three men start jawing at one another getting closer to one another, nearly face to face.
Wolf: We’ve got a school yard verbal fight going now!
Ace: Chance Von Crank just can’t keep his fat mouth shut, and neither Dark nor Cancer and gonna take it!
The shouting match turns into a chest bumping match, each man extending their chests and bumping one another as they shout obscenities at one another.
Wolf: Now now boys! This is a wrestling match!
Suddenly Dark and Chance stop and both attack Cancer Jiles knocking him to the mat. The crowd lets out a chorus of boos.
Wolf: What’s this? What the hell is this? Has their mutual hatred of Cancer Jiles led these men to help one another?
Ace: Yes but how long is it gonna last?
Both Dark and Chance begin to stomp on Cancer Jiles, who actually crawls into the fetal position. They tattoo him with their feet repeatedly then Dark lifts Cancer and tosses him to Chance Von Crank who kicks him square in the jaw, in mockery of Cancer’s finisher.
Wolf: They’re mocking Cancer!
Ace: That’s Cancer’s move! That thief!
Dark then picks up Cancer and with Chance’s help they toss him out of the ring, over the top rope.
Wolf: Cancer Jiles has been eliminated! And we’re down to just two men now! Will the alliance hold up?
Ace: Hell no, both these men want to be the champ.
Dark and Chance Von Crank circle one another slowly in the ring, searching for an opening. Chance takes a quick step forward, but then steps back as Dark makes an adjustment. The start circling the other direction.
Wolf: Both men taking their time. . . though I don’t either of them have the brains to make this much of a chess match.
Ace: Chance is no doubt already thinking about pussy, Dark: about beer.
Wolf: That’s a damn good guess. You don’t need to be a psychic to say that much.
The two lock up and struggle for an upper hand, but soon the lock up is broken. Dark smiles, and the two continue to circle.
Wolf: Jesus Christ, these two ever going to fight?
Ace: Just filling air time, Wolf. Stretching out this battle royal.
The two then go to lock up again but stop. Dark then backs toward the ropes, hooks his arms over the top ropes and leans backwards, using the momentum of the ropes to exit the ring.
Wolf: No! No! Dark just eliminated himself! The whole damn thing was planned from the beginning!
The bell rings as the boos begin to rain out. Chance stands in the ring raising his arms, showering in the boos.
Wolf: God damn it no! Dark and cVc orchestrated this whole thing, but why? Why?
Ace: Who knows Wolf?
Chance Von Crank and Dark make their way to the commentators table, the fans still booing the result of the match. A few have even taken to throwing cups of half consumed beer and empty popcorn boxes. Other debris begins to rain down from disgruntled fans. Chance gives them all a couple of pelvic thrusts for all their troubles.
Wolf: Just disgraceful Ace. I can’t believe these two. We’ve got pandemonium here once again ladies and gentlemen. These fans are beside themselves!
Ace: Dark and cVc have shocked The Row. I don’t think anyone saw this one coming. It’s raining trash here in the Alltel Arena.
Dark is seen lighting a cigarette as the two of them stand at the table screaming obscenities at Waylon and Ace.
Wolf: What, what do you want you big goon? We’ve got no beer here.
Ace: Or pussy. No one wants you fellas around here!
In one motion Chance grabs Ace and flings him out of his chair, and Dark looking down at Waylon advises him to do the same, without violence.
Wolf: Oh hell no, not over my dead body. You can’t do this!
Dark sighs and then grabs Waylon and tosses him out of his chair, and then sits down next to Chance, who has already put on his headset.
Dark: Adios. We’re taking over.
cVc™: Welcome to Razzle Dazzle/Dark Tv. A main event without us two? On our first night on CumStain Studios? I think not, so here we fucking are for your listening pleasure.
Waylon and Ace can be heard screaming ‘you can’t do this, they can’t do this!’
Dark: Chance. . . show em what we can and can’t do.
Chance stands up and folds his metal chair. He hits Ace across his skull with it and he is knocked out hitting his head on the announce table on his way to the ground. Before Wolf can take off, Chance tosses his chair to Dark who nearly takes off Wolf's head with it. Retrieving and unfolding his chair is Chance, laughing with Dark as he takes his seat next to him once more.
cVc™: Here comes that faggot with my belt.
Dark: With our belt. . .
The lights in the arena go out as Sabotage begins to play. The crowd pops at the song.
cVc™: What a fucking fraud, this guy cut the shittest promo ever cut earlier this week. We are the only wrestlers in this shithole worth watching, Dark.
Dark: I'll drink to that. I don’t know who is here to watch Skidd—hey cameraman do your job and point that thing at something worth looking at, like that honey in the first row with the great tits.
cVc™: I titty fucked this bitch last night at the hotel with one big titty and one medium sized titty, but could still get my cock between them. Her pussy though was as beatup as Skidd Rows face.
Dark: I dunno if you can say that on tv. . . Can you say titty fuck on tv
cVc™: The Trailer Park Prodigy says whatever the fuck he wants on TV.
Skidd Row emerges from behind the curtain wearing his usual black t-shirt and blue ring shorts, but what is different and most prominent about the man is the Death Row Championship, worn around his waist. Skidd Row quickly unhooks it and raises the belt up in the air for all the fans to see.
The camera cuts quickly to CVC who screams FUCKING FRAUD, THATS MY GODDAMN STRAP" at Skidd Row.
Dark: Damn right Chance. There it is. The belt that is soon to no longer be his.
cVc™: The King of Being Reamed, Skidd Row is here... Who gives a fuck?
Dark: I know I don’t give a fuck. Do you give a fuck? Does Tim Ross even give a fuck?
Skidd Row then charges down to the ring, running full speed and slides under the bottom rope. He somersaults onto one knee, raising the belt once again in the air for the fans to see. He then hits all of the turnbuckles and hands over his belt.
Dark: Don’t worry fans, Skidd Row is actually as small in the ring as he looks. There’s nothing wrong with your television sets.
cVc™: Tim Ross better fucking make sure next week... I take my strap from this homo. Look at this guy, Dark. He's like a closeted homosexual who got his dick hung in the closet door.
Dark: I’d hate to ruin your analogy Chance, but I don’t think Skidd’s dick is big enough to get caught in anything.
The lights in the arena dim as the following phrase is whispered out over the arena:
Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the. . .
The lights around the stage begin to flicker as Goliath steps out and raises his arms to the sky, yelling with the roar of the song.
Dark: And by this time, bodies have hit the floor, only because the audience is bored of yet another Goliath match. . . but that’s why we’re here folks, the scumbag elite.
cVc™: Whoever thought this would make a great Main Event needs to be held down and skullfucked so we can film the money shot for Best Studios. Have to love the HOW hardon Tim Ross is sporting in his asshole.
The crowd welcomes Goliath back with a raucous amount of cheers, and as he walks down toward the ring the fans reach out to touch him, but he shows no emotion.
Dark: This guy has all the emotion of a blow up doll, Chance.
cVc™: The Shock N Rolla, Here to Show Ya, Cocked Back and Fucking Loaded, Chance Von Crank would rather watch VHS tapes on a broken VCR than watch these two fucking wrestle. Who made this match? Some fuckhead with a pen in the back who im sure couldn't wrestle his dick out of his pants.
The referee holds up the Death Row Championship and walks over to the edge of the ring and Chance snatches it before the time keeper can. Chance leaps up on the announcer's table with the title draped over his shoulder screaming at Skidd Row who looks on in amazement at these two men who have taken over Lethal Injection Six.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the following match is your main event and is for one fall and has a thirty minute time limit. Introducing first, from Chicago, Illinois, weighing in at one-hundred and ninety pounds, he is the current, Death Row Champion. . . Skidddddddd RRRRooooowwww!
Those in the crowd who are Skidd Row fans pop as their wrestler raises his arms up in the air.
Dark: 190 pounds? Jesus Christ, this kid weighs less than one of those whores in Harlan, Chance.
cVc™: Yeah those bitches pussies are as beatup as Baghdad.
Announcer: And his opponent, from Las Vegas, Nevada, weighing in at two-hundred and sixty-three pounds, he is The Monster, The Body Breaker. . . Goooolllliiiiaaatttthhh!
Dark: This guy thinks he’s a monster like Tarrasque. . . Hey Chance, who do you think takes bigger shits, Goliath or Tarrasque?
cVc™: That's a tough question to answer. I bet Ross takes a bigger shit than both of them the way Lee Best has been raping his terd cutter. Best Studios, ha... What a piece of shit this was before we got here. I know one thing though, Goliath's promo from Monday was so bad I was ashamed to be a part of Death Row he sucks so bad. I got a cock he can suck, look it looks like its wearing a turtle neck sweater when I pull the skin back...
Those partial to the man cheer loudly for the return of Goliath to the Death Row ring after months away from the federation. Goliath raises his arms and lets out a roar as the bell rings.
Dark: Well there’s the bell, and so begins the worst match in Death Row history.
cVc™: Goliath is still signed to Death Row? Does this amaze anyone but The Reluctant One? I thought this queer got shit canned in May?
Dark: He's like AIDs Chance. He never truly goes away.
cVc™: Mine did.
Dark: Well that goes without saying. The Trailer Park Prodigy is resistant to most sexually transmitted diseases, if only because of constant contact with them.
Skidd Row charges Goliath, hitting him with lefts and rights to the face. The blows hardly faze the bigger man in Goliath, and with a big knee to the abdomen Skidd Row’s assault is halted. Skidd Row bends over from the blow, and raising one arm Goliath brings it down on Skidd Row’s back, knocking him to the mat.
Dark: Goliath is an ex-MMA fighter, and you know what that means Chance, he enjoys straddling men. Kinda gives a whole new meaning to ‘ground and pound’.
cVc™: I hear ex-MMA fighter and think. . . He was even worse at that than he is at wrestling. Looks like a fucker that big should atleast be good at fighting cause he sure as fuck cannot wrestle.
Goliath acknowledges the crowd with a scream and then picks up the fallen Skidd Row, placing his head between his legs and then lifting him, slamming him to the mat with a massive powerbomb.
Dark: Fagbomb from Goliath.
cVc™: That’s a bomb Cancer Jiles would like to catch in his mouth with his tongue stuck out to touch the tip.
The crowd pops at the bump as Goliath goes down for the cover.
Dark: Goliath going for the kiss, but the ref thinks he’s going for the cover! 1. . . 2. . . kick out by bitch boy.
cVc™: Neither one of these punk ass bitches are in our league. One is just as shitty as the other. Big Clusterfuck of who gives a fuck?
Dark: There is a league of their own, one where it’s perfectly acceptable to cry like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit.
Goliath picks up Skidd Row and tosses him into the turnbuckle. He then charges him and flattens him in the corner with a clothesline. Skidd Row comes staggering out of the corner and Goliath grabs him from behind and slams him to the mat with a back body drop.
Dark: Goliath sure likes being behind another man. . .
cVc™: That’s no man he’s behind there. . . Skidd Row is the biggest bitch in here.
Standing over Skidd Row, Goliath bends down grabbing his opponent around the neck with both hands. He then straightens up at the waist and lifts Skidd Row up in the air with both hands, choking him as he holds him up in the air. He then slams him to the mat with a double-handed choke slam.
Dark: Do condoms even work for a guy like you? I hear tales you blow a load like a shotgun all over a bitch.
cVc™: In high school I use to use a needle to poke holes in the top of the condom. Every whore needs a taste of RazzleDazzle.
Goliath then brings Skidd Row to his feet and throws him violently to the outside.
Chance points at the referee and nods to Dark. Dark walks over to the referee and starts to question him. Chance begins his assault on Skidd Row as soon as the ref's back is turned to them. He balls his fist up and begins to punch Skidd in the mouth, once, then twice. He stops with five sharp blows to the mouth and as he steps back blood runs down Skidd's chin from his lip. Chance smiles seeing Skidds busted wide open lip and sets him up for a pump handle slam.
Dark smiles seeing Chance hit one of his signature moves on Skidd Row. He and Chance proceed back to the announcers table as the referee starts the ten count on Skidd. Goliath leaves the ring and Skidd evades him, stumbling to another side of the ring and then quickly sliding into the ring. As Goliath climbs to the apron to get in the ring Skidd Row reaches his feet and dropkicks Goliath off the apron and with such force Goliath hits the front of the commentators table.
Dark: S’cuse me for a moment. . .
cVc™: Fuck him up!
As Skidd Row tries to leave the ring the ref holds him back, and while the ref’s back is turned Dark takes off his headset and proceeds to wrap the wire around Goliath’s neck, choking him. Goliath kicks his feet as the wire cuts into his windpipe, and Dark releases the wire and sits down before the ref turns back around.
cVc™: HOLY FUCKING SHIT! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!
Dark: Commentating at as easy as it looks! Sometimes you’ve got to take the match into your own hands!
Goliath slowly gets to his feet, turning to insult Dark, who acts as innocent as can be. Goliath turns in time to see Skidd Row flying over the top rope, attempting a body splash. Goliath catches him, and then adjusts him on his shoulder, directing him toward the corner post. Goliath charges the post, but Skidd Row slides off his back and pushes him shoulder first into the post.
cVc™: Oh! Damn you know that had to suck...
Dark: Speaking of sucking check out that honey in the first row. Them some cock sucking lips!
Goliath sells the injury and in an attempt to get away from Skidd Row he slides into the ring. As he gets to his knees, Skidd Row can be seen climbing the turnbuckle. Skidd Row jumps off the ropes and catches a standing Goliath with a cross body¸and landing he goes for the pin.
Dark: 1… oh who gives a fuck. . . Goliath kicks out anyway.
cVc™: This son of a bitch cannot win a match without my help.
The force of Goliath’s kick out sends Skidd Row across the ring, and as Goliath gets to his feet Skidd Row charges him, but Goliath catches him and rams him into the corner turnbuckle. Goliath then grabs onto the middle ropes and uses them to pull himself toward Skidd Row, hitting him in the abdomen with his shoulder each time. He does this two, three, four times and Skidd Row stumbles out of the corner and Goliath tosses him to the ground, halfway across the ring.
cVc™: WOW! Haha... He threw that fucker half way across the ring..
Dark: Yep, Goliath just tossed Skidd Row like the tiny woman he truly is. At 190 pounds Skidd Row makes up our entire ‘Super Featherweight Division.’
Goliath stalks Skidd Row, who is crawling on his hands and knees toward the ropes, trying to pull himself up.
cVc™: Stay DOWN FAGGOT! STAY DOWN!
Dark: It would be your best interest to just lay down and take it fella. It can’t be considered rape if you want it too Skidd. . .
Skidd Row gets to his feet in the corner, and Goliath tackles him in the corner for all his troubles. Skidd Row stumbles out of the corner and Goliath catches him, crossing both arms behind Skidd Rows back and slamming him backward over his head with a belly to belly suplex.
Dark: Dick on dick suplex by Goliath. Apparently he likes being on top as much as he likes being on bottom.
cVc™: This is a huge clusterfuck of who gives a fuck...
Skidd Row sells the injury, grabbing the small of his back as Goliath stands over him, breathing heavily. He kinks his next, looking down on Skidd Row still writhing on the mat.
Dark: It appears he’s trying to decide in which position he’d like to fuck Skidd Row in, Chance.
cVc™: Haha... You heard it here first folks, these two men are going to fuck live on televison, via Best Studios!
Goliath lifts Skidd Row up by his hair and then lifts him up over his head with yet another belly to belly suplex. He stands over Skidd Row laughing, then picks him up by his shorts and holds him across his body. He lifts Skidd Row up and slams Skidd’s back down on his own knee.
Dark: Bitch breaker!
cVc™: Broke that bitch, for real. Folks this match could be the worse in the history of two sweaty men trying to butt fuck ever.
Goliath keeps the hold and lifts Skidd Row up again and slams back down on his own knee.
Dark: Another bitch breaker! Oh what’s one more Goliath? Give em one more.
cVc™: The Look on his face was priceless...
Goliath lifts Skidd Row up a third time, lifting him the highest he ever has before and slams him down on his knee. The crowd pops at the bump as Skidd Row hits the mat with a large thud.
Dark: Yawwnn. Hey, what you think we should get to eat later? I’m gettin’ hungry.
cVc™: I want Pussy and Gravy.
The ref gets down and checks on Skidd Row, checking to see if he wishes to forfeit the match. We can see Skidd Row slowly shaking his head.
Dark: Hey I think all those bitchbreakers actually broke this bitch.
cVc™: I call my cock, Bitch Breaker.
Goliath stands over Skidd Row, waiting for him to get to his feet. Skidd Row crawls to the corner and pulls himself up, Goliath stalking behind him all the way. Skidd Row climbs to his feet and as Goliath looks around at the crowd Skidd suddenly catches his second wind and kicks Goliath to the gut.
Dark: Oprah, Hillary Clinton, and your mother. You’ve got to marry one, fuck one, and kill one. Go.
cVc™: Marry Oprah, that bitch has a billion dollars. Fuck Hillary and kill my mom.
Dark: I apologize fans, I thought that question was gonna be harder to answer.
Skidd Row then works his way out of the corner, hitting Goliath in the face with lefts and rights, backing him toward the center of the ring. Skidd Row then grabs Goliath and tries to Irish whip Goliath into the corner but Goliath reverses it and instead sends Skidd Row into the corner.
Dark: If you’re just tuning in—and if so where the fuck have you been?—and you’re wondering why this main event suddenly doesn’t suck as much as you thought it would, it is because you’re listening to five star commentary, courtesy of myself and The Trailer Park Prodigy, Chance Von Crank.
cVc™: We have a real barnburner here... As in lets burn this place to the ground with these two tied to something hindering any kind of escape attempt.
Skidd hits the turnbuckle and then falls forward flat on his face. Goliath checks for blood on his lips and doesn’t find any, luckily for Skidd Row. The referee once again checks on Skidd Row to see if he would like to forfeit.
Dark: Oh just give up already, you little shit. With a loss you’ll be that much closer to shedding a few pounds. Five, maybe six, maybe seven pounds. That’s about as much as the title weighs, wouldn’t you say Chance?
cVc™: I will tell you for sure after I win it from this clown. Im nearly asleep here, No RazzleDazzler or Dark equals no ratings.
Goliath grabs Skidd Row by the hair and brings him to his feet. He then tosses Skidd Row into the corner with all his might. Skidd Row hits the turnbuckle and crumbles in the corner, his arm hooking over the middle rope. He leans on the ropes for support, the ropes looking like they’re the only thing keeping him up.
Dark: I told you Goliath was boring. All strength and no brains.
cVc™: I wonder if Goliath has to do a two stroker when he wishes he could get laid late at night laying in his barn all alone?
cVc™: Uses both hands to jerk his cock off, ya know cause hes a monster? Okay... Back to this cock slinger of a match we got here!
Goliath punches Skidd Row in the corner, then Irish whips him into the opposite corner, but upon reaching the turnbuckle Skidd Row jumps to the top rope and flips off, hitting Goliath with a twisting senton.
Dark: You know people have asked me, what’s it like having Skidd Row fly around the ring jumping on you. And I can say this with the utmost confidence: a Skidd Row body splash is much like getting punched by a girl. It plain just doesn’t hurt.
cVc™: Im going to make sure he has the shortest title reign ever here in Death Row. This man holding our belt is not only a disgrace but bad for our ratings. Half of our audience is watching a Big Bang Theory rerun right now after not seeing our names in the Main Event...
Goliath lays on the mat from the blow, Skidd Row lays on the mat because he’s completely exhausted. Fans start to cheer for their favorite of the two, encouraging them to try and get to their feet. The ref starts counting. 1. . . 2. . . 3. . . 4. . . Both wrestlers get to their feet.
Dark: The fans are getting excited here. Must some flasher in the crowd or something, certainly it has nothing to do with the she-men in the ring.
cVc™: They are cheering because they can plainly see the Trailer Park Prodigy is still in the arena. That taste in your mouth ladies and gentlemen is bitter and not my semen unless your that bitch from room 4C at the Ramada. That taste is what a company dieing a slow death tastes like after picking our fucking worse two wrestlers to Main Event a card. Fuck Me, Sally Field from Mrs. Doubtfire when she was still kinda hott, this sucks.
Skidd Row, miraculously, is the first to his feet and as Goliath reaches his feet Skidd grabs him by the head and falls to the mat with a jaw breaker. Goliath staggers back, the crowd pops and Goliath falls to the mat.
Dark: What the fuck is wrong with all of you people? What’s so exciting about all that?
cVc™: GET HIM YOU BIG STUPID BASTARD!
Skidd Row then stumbles over to him, grabs his legs and drops with a leg drop to Goliath’s groin. On his second wind, Skidd Row then runs to the corner, jumps to the top rope and quickly jumps off, flipping over onto Goliath with a moonsault.
Skidd Row then gets to his feet and taunts the crowd, trying to get them up off of their feet.
Dark: Good luck with that bud, everyone’s asleep thanks to this snoozefest.
Goliath stumbles to his feet Skidd Row charges him and uses Goliath’s bent knee to step up and kick him in the face. Goliath hits the mat and Skidd Row quickly goes for the cover.
Dark: Thank God! Oh Thank God! It must be over!
cVc™: Finally time for The Prince of the Pullout to take over this piece of shit.
The ref goes for the count, 1. . . 2. . . 3, Goliath kicking out just after three, but the ref gets to his feet and calls for the bell.
Dark: Oh sweet misery! This shitfest is over!
cVc™: Watch This.
Chance jumps on the table as the referee holds Skidd Row hand high into the air. Chance jumps off the table and quickly slides into the ring. Chance pushes the ref down from behind and underhooks Skid for the...
Dark: Razzle Dazzler! Razzle Dazzler!
Chance picks up Skidd once more underhooking him for another RazzleDazzler. He walks over the the ropes and holds his hands out toward Dark who is still at the commentators table. He tosses Chance a mic as he walks around the ring stepping on his opponent as he walks around. Chance rolls back outside the ring and gets his chair. He comes back in the ring and begins to unfold it to use. Goliath slowly gets to his feet and charges Chance. Chance toss the chair broadside hitting Goliath in the head, and causing him to slow, dazed and confused. In one swift movement as the chair falls in front of Goliath, Chance ddt's him into the chair in an amazing display of athleticism.
cVc™: Down goes the faggot. Timber.I have been all over country with Death Row... I have put my name out there and in these bright lights I love to think I am the best to lace up boots. Clearly im the biggest draw in this glory hole of the wrestling realm.
Chance picks up the Death Row Championship with his left hand. He holds it being able to see his reflection somewhat in the gold and silver of the title.
cVc™: I am keeping this because it is mine. I have back problems and no insurance from carrying this fucking company on it for so long. Tim Ross make this goddamn match happen. This will not be the only fucking show we take over believe that, Player. Dark and myself are the eLite in e-wrestling. Hey, eLite I like the ring that has to it. We will not stop our tear on this motherfucker walking around pretending to be the best around here... I am clearly the best fucking wrestler in the the milky way galaxy. Lee Best.... he has mentioned on twitter wanting The Trailer Park Prodigy for his own. I am Death Row, all the way so this is my answer to your motherfucking question is No.
*The Crowd Pops*
Chance walks back and forth in the ring looking at the fans who begin chanting "DEATH ROW! DEATH ROW!" Chance smiles as he holds the Death Row title as he hears something surprising. He hears "CVC! CVC!", fans in the back chanting his name. He holds the title high as peppered out through the arena is chants.
cVc™: That's right cocksuckers, the real fucking reason you came is here. I have in my hands here my reason why I am the best in the world. I hold this title high and even you faggot can feel the electriciy I produce. I will hold this belt and show the entire wrestling world just what it is they're missing. I have messages from as far from Japan with offers to leave Death Row, Ross. I want my stack of fucking cash or you will see me on Turmoil with this fucking strap. I want what is mine you lieing piece of shit cock eating faggot.
Chance drops the mic and kicks Skidd Row again as he makes his way back to the turnbuckle talking shit to the crowd now wearing the Death Row Championship.
"I NEED CHEESEBURGERS"
- Kentucky Tarzan