The latest installment of JFK's popular show!
Brief static hits the screen before the words “What have you done today to #belikekendrix?” appear on our screen to the sounds of ‘Let ‘em come’ by Scroobius Pip.
The background and title quickly alternate between black and red filler. Cutting out to another round of brief static, Kendrix comes into view. Dressed casually in jeans, timberland boots and wearing a tight fitting black t-shirt with a printed picture of JFK pinning Chris Hopper accompanied by the words “Get Over It” splashed across it. He stands to the left of our screen in front of a UTA backdrop with a huge smile on his face.
To his right, we see a TV screen simply portraying a slide stating the title of the show. Walking towards the camera with a remote control in his hand he opens his arms out wide in a presentable fashion;
Kendrix: Listen, Yeah?! Welcome to another episode of your favourite show...what have you done today to hashtag be like Kendrix?
He brings the first two fingers of each hand across each other to signify the hashtag sign;
Kendrix: The show where JFK provides you...the idiot UTAverse sitting at home wondering why you’re all so ugly...with actual pieces of genius, motivational and inspirational words to get you off of your couches...
He scratches his beard in apparent thought;
Kendrix: Apologies, what was JFK thinking, you can’t afford couches...off the floor...and out into the big bad world you can’t possibly compete in because of better people like JFK...and make something of yourself...like your hero J...F...K!
Modestly holding his hand flat across his heart he smiles sympathetically to those watching at home;
Kendrix: Now you’re all in for a treat today, even though you don’t deserve treats for all that inbreeding you lot get up to, cos JFK will have a very special guest on later in the show.
Methodically nodding his head he has a genuine look of excitement on his face;
Kendrix: But first, let’s take a look at today’s stupid Inspirational quote;
He clicks the button on his remote as he nonchalantly flicks it towards the TV without even looking in it’s direction. However, instead of the quote appearing on the screen, it shows a replay of JFK hitting The Bellend on Chris Hopper and pinning him for the victory at International Affair. Upon hearing the commentary, he turns to face the screen in apparent shock, the palm of his hand placed upon his mouth. As the ref raises his hand in victory, Kendrix pauses the screen and turns to face someone out of shot, his hands on his hips, not looking happy;
Kendrix: Seriously lads, who replaced JFK’s quotes with footage of him retiring Chris Hopper? C’mon guys, that’s not cool, yeah?! Don’t get JFK wrong, he’s up for a laugh as much as the next devilishly handsome man, but it’s time everyone got over JFK retiring Chris Hopper and moved on with their lives, Honestly!
Rolling his eyes he turns to face the TV screen again and flicks the remote in it’s direction. Instead of moving onto the point of the show, bringing up a quote, the footage rewinds and with another click of the remote, plays agian. Kendrix shrugs his shoulders in apparent frustration at seeing the replay once more. Turning to face his audience, he lifts his remote in front of his face and looks at it somewhat confusingly;
Kendrix: Oh…how embarrassing, it’s playing again…JFK must learn how to use this remote control properly. Excuse JFK for a moment;
Turning to his left he gestures at someone out of shot;
Kendrix: Yeah, it happened again, same as in rehearsals...just take the TV off the stage, innit?!
Two stagehands appear and wheel the TV Screen out of shot. JFK faces his audience once more with his hands out by his side in presentable fashion;
Kendrix: Seems we’ve had some technical difficulties today so unfortunately we don’t have time for JFK’s inspirational quote. However we still have our very special guest…
Doubling back, he shakes his head quickly to correct himself;
Kendrix: Wait, not special, like you lot at home, you know, in a bad way...but in a good way, obvs! In fact, you might even say that this special guest is the most special person...in a good way...in the world.
Eyes widening in pure excitement he clasps his hands together;
Kendrix: Put your filthy hands together, clap loudly, go absolutely nuts in front of your tiny TV screens...for the world’s greatest entertainer...in the world...MIKEY UNLIKELY!!!!
Turning to his left he claps loudly and proudly as Mikey walks into shot from the right hand side of the screen, wearing a #FreeMikeyUnlikely t-shirt. The two fist bump;
Kendrix: Mikey, Mikey, welcome to the show. It’s a pleasure to have you with us. You are the first ever guest on hashtag what have you done today to be like Kendrix, and quite honestly, JFK will NEVER...be able bring a better guest onto his show.
Mikey holds his hands up by the side of his head and rolls his eyes as if to say “obviously”.
Kendrix: Obvs, right?!
Unlikely: Totally obvs!
After the pleasantries are done, Kendrix strokes his beard as he gets down to business and points at Mikey;
Kendrix: Now Mikey, the people watching at home are probably going ape shit in front of their idiot boxes right now, you are after all, a huge celebrity, probably the biggest. But as you can see, while JFK is your biggest fan...IN THE WORLD...yeah, huh?!
Kendrix slaps the back of his hand on Mikey’s chest, laughing at his witty quip. Mikey pointing back at him, is also hugely impressed with the quip;
Unlikely: Good one...BRUV!!!
Mikey slaps the back of his hand on Kendrix’s chest, laughing at his own witty quip while Kendrix points back at him, also hugely impressed with the quip;
Kendrix: JFK’s question to you Mikey, is...can you tell the world how to be like Kendrix, and not react like a total asshat in front of your wonderful presence...JFK understands that this kind of behaviour annoys the hell out of you, is he right?!
Mikey looks away in thought momentarily before wagging his finger back at Kendrix and turning to face the audience;
Unlikely: Oh totally! And to be honest...I can be honest here right Jesse
Mikey raises a hand back in the direction of Kendrix. JFK nods.
Kendrix: Please do Mikey, this is a place of honesty.
Mikey expected that answer from his dear friend.
Unlikely: Great! To be honest… to be like Kendrix, simply means to win at life everyday! It means to wake up every morning and just know, that there are millions of people out there who will never be half the man you are! Never be as successful, clean cut, or in some cases…. quite the entertainer.
Mikey gives a wink to the camera.
Unlikely: I would know, I myself try to be like Kendrix!
The two share an intimate moment, a bruv hug if you will;
Kendrix: You know what Mikey, JFK couldn’t have put it better himself. So thought provoking.
Turning to face the lens he reverts his attention to his audience. The camera focuses away from Mikey and on JFK;
Kendrix: So listen, yeah, to what Mikey has had to say morons! And maybe one day you too…can be like Kendrix…yeah, good luck with that one!
Turning back to face Mikey, Kendrix holds his arm out wide to present him. As the camera brings Mikey into focus we see him holding a rather large and full sack in both his hands. The label on the sack reads “Mikey’s Fan Mail”
Kendrix: Hey everyone, Mikey’s back!
Unlikely: And better than ever!
Kendrix looks quizzingly at the sack before turning his attention to the camera;
Kendrix: Mikey, JFK has to ask, what on earth do you have in your sack, bruv?
With a serious look on his face Mikey looks at the lens and holds the sack up in front of it;
Unlikely: Well of course you know what this is bruv! This is the world's greatest fan mail… IN THE WORLD!
Kendrix’s eyes widen as he exaggeratingly opens his mouth in shock;
Kendrix: Wow Mikey, that’s a lot of fan mail. You know, JFK receives thousands of fan mail every week…and honestly, he gets immense pleasure reading each and every one…it’s so funny to read how pathetic people’s lives are!
Both men chuckle their heads off;
Unlikely: It truly is! Every person who writes to Mikey just wants to take advantage of his celebrity. They all want autographs for “dying sick kids” Mikey’s not falling for that! Those pictures will end up on EBAY! The second that kid croakes!
Mikey droops his head to the side and closes his eyes, mouth open wide as if he were dead, before he shares another chuckle with Kendrix;
Kendrix: Mikey, will you do JFK the honour of reading out one or two letters for the show?
Flicking his open hand towards Kendrix as if to say “no problem” Mikey takes out a letter from the sack;
Unlikely: Absolutely! Oh pro tip! When reading fan mail, always try to sound exactly like the pathetic whiney loser on the other end! It makes it more enjoyable, and helps you feel superior to everyone!
Kendrix taps his index finger to the side of his head;
Kendrix: Great tip bruv, that's a keeper.
Mikey exaggeratingly holds the letter out in front of him and clears his throat out loud;
Unlikely: Dear Mikey Unlikely…
He stops to acknowledge the camera with a cocky wink;
Unlikely: That's me…
Looking back at his letter he continues where he left off;
Unlikely: Being a huge fan of yours, obvs… I was shocked and appalled when William Haynes brutally and cowardly attacked your beautiful and sexy fiance, MJ, in the head with a steel chair… why oh why do you think that COWARD… did that? Your biggest fan Mary Ja...I mean… Mary Hay.
With his lips pressed together, Kendrix looks impressed;
Kendrix: Wow, Mikey! That's actually an intelligent and we'll mused question. What do you have to say about that?
Stroking his chin for a moment, Mikey quickly answers;
Unlikely: That is a very good question! Unfortunately it's not one Mikey can answer! You see, I have no idea what runs through the mind of a woman beater…because I, Mikey, would never stoop so low! I'm sure it was somewhere along the lines of “ow ow ow, I'm going to quit soon, ow, ooh look I can hit that woman with a chair! Bam!” But that's just a guess.
Kendrix claps his hands upon hearing the answer;
Kendrix: Fantastic answer, The best JFK has ever heard, to be honest. JFK thinks we have time for one more question Mikey, if you would be so kind…
Mikey digs out another letter from the sack;
Unlikely: Dear Mikey…
He points at himself;
Unlikely: I'm a big fan of yourself and JFK. But I'm a huge fan of Dynasty too. I think I speak for everyone when I ask… why oh why, for the love of God, why… did you two do what you did to CBR at Wrestleshow 49 and end Dynasty … Jesse Ken… I mean Jamie… Kenneth
Kendrix: another excellent question!
Unlikely smiles and nods;
Unlikely: Now Jess…..er Jamie! I too am a huge fan of everything that Dynasty represented. At the end of the day JFK and Mikey had their reasons for what they did and they will all come to light soon! Don't worry, just keep your eyes peeled to UTA programming!
The theme tune to the show hits in the background as Mikey pulls another letter out of the sack. Kendrix holds his hand flat out in front of Mikey;
Kendrix: Mikey, as much as JFK would love to go through every single authentic letter from real fans you have there in your sack, we've unfortunately run out of time on this episode.
Mikey throws his arms across his chest in front of him;
Unlikely: Gosh darn it Jam… I mean Jesse.
The music picks up as Kendrix puts his hand on the shoulder of Mikey as they both turn to face the lens and start waving good-bye;
Kendrix: Thanks for joining your devilishly good looking host and the world's greatest guest… in the world…
The two high five;
Kendrix: For another episode of what have you done today to hashtag be like Kendrix?
Mikey leans towards the lens slightly;
Unlikely: And remember… don't be a bellend and write letters...send an email instead!
The lights in the studio begin to fade out as Mikey and Kendrix share a few words as the camera zooms out;
Unlikely: How's that for an inspirational sign off…
The UTA copyright logo appears as the show ends.
"JESUS SHIT TITS"
- Kentucky Tarzan