Bobby takes a dump, but who does he run into?
The view is simplistic enough. It’s three bathroom stalls aligned one next to the other next to the other. The middle stall is the only one that seems occupied at the moment, as legs appear under the stall door, pants dropped around their ankles. Soon a figure walks across the camera’s view and enters the stall on the right. As he turns around to close the stall door we see that it’s UTA’s Only Star, Eric Dane.
Soon, Only Star has his pants dropped and the two men in the bathroom go about their business in relative peace.
Bobby Dean: Hi, I’m Bobby Dean and welcome back to Shit Talk...
A sudden groan of annoyance emits from the stall of Eric Dane as he interrupts Bobby’s intro.
Dane: No, no, no. I will not be a part of your shenanigans, Bobby!
Dean: Shenanigans? There’s no shenanigans here. Here we have two regular Joes attending to vital business at hand, we have a few minutes to spare, so why don’t I ask you a few questions?
Dane: This is what I was talking about! How do you expect people to take you seriously?
Dean: What if I ask you serious questions?
Dane: How about you let me do my thing without bugging me?
Dean: Where’s the fun in that?
The Only Star can be heard sighing, probably realizing that it might simply be easier if he just goes along with this absurd idea, or else be pestered by the fat man for the next few minutes. Silently cursing his luck at having picked the one bathroom that Bobby Dean would be hiding in.
Dean: I’ll assume by your silence that you’ve accepted my proposal, so my very first “serious” question to the one and only Eric Dane, is there anything going on with you and the Team Danger boys? I mean, y’all seem awfully chummy at times, and in this modern day and age, I think people would be more accepting if y’all…
Bobby Dean stutters to a stop as four metal prongs shoot through the wall of the bathroom stall.
Dane: You want to ask serious questions? Ask serious questions. But if you ask one more question that I deem out of line, I’m going take this fork and make what I did to John Sektor at Ring King look tame.
Dean: Uhm, okay… Uhm, okay... Why am I so scared of you?
Dane: Because no matter how hard I try to get you to realize your potential, you are a giant waste of space pussy and you know at any moment I’m likely to have you flayed.
Dean: Oh man, do you realize if I was a giant pussy!? I’d be a bigger slut than Amy and MVC combined! I’d be playing with myself all day long! Sheesh!
Eric Dane doesn’t respond, he’s probably rolling his eyes and contemplating whether or not he should simply pinch off early and get the fuck out of there.
Dean: You won the Chamber match at Ring King, like we’re all well aware of, but do you think you deserve a little something more than just having drafted Victory? I mean, some people say the competition level from the Chamber match was well above that of the Ace in the Hole. Do you think you should have a reward more akin to a shiny briefcase with a guaranteed title shot stipulation?
Dane: I think that words on a contract can be twisted and construed to however one sees fit. That said, I don’t need a stipulation in a clusterfuck to get myself a title match. You just watch.
Dean: I heard COOL Cancer Jiles has made his return to DEFIANCE…
Dane: And? What’s your question?
Dean: Why isn’t he back in the UTA?
Dane: You’d have to ask Cancer. You do remember he was in DEFIANCE before UTA, right? Maybe it felt more like home. Hell, maybe he’s blackballed from UTA. There’s no telling with that guy....
Bobby is heard sighing forlornly as he reminisces about his one time stable mate.
Dean: A lot of people on the Victory roster feel obligated to you. Like you have taken a chance on them, drafting them to what they deem “your” show. How do you feel about all these relative newcomers looking up to you?
Dane: There’s one way to learn in this business, Bobby, and that’s to learn from those that come before you. I drafted the guys who I thought had the most potential moving into the future. That goes for you too, Bobby, I wanted a group of hungry guys going out there doing their best to get noticed week in and week out. Also I didn’t want to deal with a lot of egos, yanno?
Dean: I don’t think there is anyone as hungry as me!
Dane: I think you meant to say, there’s isn’t anyone as fat as you.
Dean: But I’m not fat, I’m “Beautiful!”
Dane: You are lots of things Blobby, but “Beautiful” ain’t one of them…
Sniffling can be heard from Bobby’s stall.
Dean: If you could bring any superstar currently in the UTA under your wing, to be molded and guided by the hand of the Only Star, who would it be?
Dane: Colton Thorpe. That kid is the next Eric Dane, just watch.
Dean: Ugh, I’m not a big fan.
Dane: Because he’s better than you? Or maybe it’s because he actually cares about this business and being successful, whereas you only care about, well, what is it you care about, Bobby?
Dean: Uhm, I care about boobies!?
Dane: Exactly. That’s exactly why I would pick Colton Thorpe over you any day of the week.
Dean: Because Colton doesn’t like boobies?
Dane: No, because he takes this shit seriously. This is all a big game to you.
Dean: Yeah, well, I’d rather be a joke, than a thieving bastard like Colton Thorpe!
Dane: Come now, seriously? You really think the UTA WANTS to put a title on you? You couldn’t even fit one around your waist! It’s time to face reality, Bobby...
The sound of a flushing toilet can be heard coming from Eric Dane’s stall, signalling the impending end of Shit Talk, but Bobby Dean apparently has one last question for the Only Star.
Dean: Now, about you and the Team Danger guys?
Before he can finish his question, Eric Dane bursts out from his stall and is banging on Bobby Dean’s stall, kicking and punching, trying to pry the lock open and get his hands on the fat son of a bitch.
Dane: I warned you! I’m going to get my hands on you!
Dean: Well folks, that’s all the time I have, tune in next week for another episode of Shit Talk. Eeeek!
The lock comes loose and Eric Dane rushes into Bobby Dean’s stall as the feed cuts to static.
"Hope you’re hungry! ‘Cause I got a Knuckle Sandwich... WITH YOUR NAME ON IT!"
- Lunchbox Larry