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Ring King 2015.

Seattle, WA


The show is eighty percent in the can. Sean Jackson is the Ace in the Hole, Team Danger remain the World Tag Team Champions, James Wingate has been deposed, and Eric Dane is not only the Chamber Match winner, but he personally defeated half of the talent in the match.

Things are looking up for The Only Star.

A hot shower was on the docket as soon as he reached the backstage area after the match. Sticking around just long enough to shake a few hands and accept a couple of congratulations, he made a point to excuse himself to wash Sektor’s blood and Bobby Dean’s grease off of him as quickly as possible.

And that brings us to the present. Eric is fresh and clean, dressed in a casual silver sport coat and slacks with a black V-neck underneath. The ensemble is topped off by Italian raptor-skin boots. The Only Star strolls confidently toward the parking garage away from the sounds of La Flama Blanca and Alex Beckman still in the ring, battling over the World Title.

The Chamber Match Champion has his Samsung Galaxy 6 held up to his ear, and he’s eagerly conversing with someone. He nods and laughs, clearly enjoying himself.

Dane: Yeah, well, you tell Ty to save me one of them big ass SAMMICHES!

He nods, smiles some more, and speaks again.

Dane: Yes ma’am, absolutely! I’m leaving right now.

And he is. Except that out of the corner of his eye he spots somebody entering  the room through a different connecting hallway. That someone? None other than the Bulbous One himself, Bobby Dean.

Dane: Yeah, Lindz, listen, I’mma have to call you back. Better yet, I’ll see you in ten. I’ve got one last piece of business to take care of here tonight.

Bobby Dean slowly walks into the room, sniffing the air curiously. Eric Dane is eyeing him with a mixture of intrigue and alertness, as if he’s ready to pounce at any second.

Dane: What are you doing here, Bobbo?

Dean: *sniff* I thought I heard someone mention sammiches, but I don’t smell any.

Dane: Fucking Christ, Bobby, really?

Bobby wrings his empty hands together and stares down at the floor. He really is a relentless, ridiculous, rhinoceros-sized hot mess. The Chamber Winner cocks an eyebrow at Bobby that sends shivers up his fatty-fat-fat spine.

Dane: Look, Bobby…

The Only Star approaches. Instinctively Bobby recoils. Dane stops in his tracks, shaking his head. He turns on his heel and begins to leave.

Dane: You know what, never-the fuck-mind.

Sheepishly, Bobby pipes up.

Dean: I’msorryItriedtobeatyouupandpassedoutandfellonyouandalmostkilledyou!

Bobby takes a deep breath and continues.

Dean: AndI’msorrythatIcropdustedyouinthepod!

For the first time in his UTA career, Eric Dane is speechless.


Dane: Jesus fuckin’ fuck, Bobby. You gotta quit doing that!

Dean: I have a condition!

Dane: I don’t mean that!

It’s Bobby Dean’s turn to be speechless.

Dean: Uh… do what?

Eric shakes his head in dismay. In the ten years he’s been dealing with Bobby Dean he’s never been able to get through to him, it’s a good chance today’s gonna be no different. Still.

Dane: For starters, quit apologizing for accidentally competing in a wrestling match. We were in a Chamber Match, Bobby, you did what you were supposed to! This is wrestling, you wrestled, sort of…

Dean: I did good!?

He says it with such hope, but Dane just shakes his head.

Dane: Let’s not get carried away, Bobby. I said you did what you were supposed to, in a way.

Dean: You’re right, I didn’t do good… I did great!

Eric Dane stares at Bobby as if he’s dealing with a kid who rides the short bus. He can’t decide whether to pity the man or slap him up his head and watch his quadruple chin jiggle.

Dane: Calm down, Bobby. You did okay. But none of it matters if you don’t quit letting everybody in the UTA from Coleslaw Jenkins to Tommy Ace to the fuckin’ t-shirt vendors make fun of you. You’re a grown Goddamned man, Bobby, not a fuckin’ Joke.

Dean: Coleslaw would never-


Eric couldn’t stop himself, out of pure instinct he backhanded the taste out of Bobby Dean’s mouth. Also he shoots eye-daggers at him. Bobby furiously rubs his swollen cheek and sulks all at the same time, moisture beginning to pool in his eyes.

Dane: Coleslaw put you on a fucking cart and made you a mascot, did he not?

Dean: Noooooo. Mikey and Will thought it’d be hilarious! Coleslaw didn’t have anything to do with it! So booyah!

Dane: Kinda proving my point there, Bobbo. Anyhow, what I mean is that if you ever want to be taken seriously, and I know you do because you’re trying to be a good role model for that hot daughter of yours, you’ve got to stand up and be a man!

Dean: But I am being a good role model. I won third place in the Chamber!

Eric Dane simply shakes his head.

Dane: Maybe, one day you’ll wake up and understand what I’m trying to show you. Obviously it’s not going to be today. When that day comes, and you need some guidance, you come look me up. Until then, at least try not to let these assholes talk down to you.

With that Eric Dane extends his hand causing Bobby to flinch and cover his face, expecting another backhand. When it doesn’t come, Bobby peeks through his fingers covering his face and sees the outstretched hand. He reaches out tentatively and shakes the firm grip of the intense Eric Dane. Dane pulls his hand away and grimaces at the chicken grease now covering his own hand.

Dane: I gotta go, Bobby, the boys and some of my DEFIANCE people are having a party back at the hotel. Go wash your fuckin’ hands, Bobby, and remember what I said.

He wipes his hand off on Bobby’s t-shirt.

Dane: Keep your chins up, Bobbo…

As clean as is possible, The Only Star turns and heads the way he had been going to begin with. Bobby Dean stands there with stars in his eyes and maybe, just maybe, a new sense of purpose in his brain.

But probably not.