Well, there goes my career.
I love Zhalia Fears. She and Kush are the only wrestlers that I’ve ever been able to relax around in the locker room – the only wrestlers that I’ve ever invited into my home – and Zhalia is the only active wrestler that I can call my friend without heaping doses of sarcasm.
I would take a bullet for Zhalia. I would take a kick from the guy who kicks for Zhalia. I would watch her back until the end of time and protect it from enemies, both foreign and domestic.
That being said, I do not want to team with Zhalia Fears on April 27th. I do not want to wrestle Team Danger with Zhalia as my partner. This match should not be happening as booked.
Am I afraid of Team Danger? No.
They had an impressive debut, but plenty of wrestlers debut impressively and disappear without fanfare. I don’t mean to say that they will fail to live up to their hype. I don’t mean to say that they will steamroll everyone. They do come into the UTA with a reputation but for me, until I step into the ring with an athlete, any reputation remains unproven.
Do I think Zhalia Fears will fail to live up to her end of this pairing?
Zhalia Fears won the UTA Prodigy Championship at Season’s Beatings and could very well walk into our Victory match as the UTA Wildfire Champion. She is smart, capable, and resourceful, and unpredictable: everything you could ask for in a tag team partner.
So what’s my problem? It’s simple.
As I type this, sitting next to me on my desk is one of the UTA World Tag Team Championship title belts, and Zhalia Fears is not the current owner of the other one.
I don’t know what kind of qualifications Cancer Jiles has for being a professional wrestling commissioner, but they clearly don’t involve an employment history of being a professional wrestling commissioner. As far as I can tell, Cancer Jiles’ current job description, if he’s following it appropriately, is “Use the resources of the biggest wrestling promotion in the world today to further your own personal agendas for what amounts to stolen money.”
This is not a rant against La Flama Blanca. Eddie is doing what any wrestler in his position would do: he’s taking advantage of the opportunities laid out in front of him. The opportunities, however, should not have been his to take. Are you number one based on the rankings, Eddie? Yes? But you’re also one half of the UTA Tag Team Champions, so that’s where you’re going to be wrestling, as long as you have them. Don’t like it? It’s the Tough Shit law. But no, Commissioner Shit-for-Brains is going to give one man who is already wearing Championship gold a shot at the Number Two belt and then the Number One belt, all within a month’s span.
Do you know why Dynasty was so dangerous last year? This was one group holding the UTA Championship, the Internet Championship, and the Tag Team Championships at the end of 2014. With one fell swoop, Dynasty could’ve held the UTA hostage for whatever demands they wanted and Wingate would’ve either had to capitulate or break the title lineages.
I’m not saying Eddie would do something like that if he left Black Horizon with three Championship Titles. I don’t much like him but I do respect his work ethic – he has way too much pride to give this sport anything but his all, and I know he wouldn’t give away a title belt without a fight.
That’s my point: smart money says Eddie leaves Black Horizon with at least one singles title around his waist, and the nature of this industry is such that the singles title will be his priority. Look at how much play the tag team belts got when Eddie was partnered with Lil Jimmy before All or Nothing for an example.
It’s insulting to hold a championship that the commissioner apparently couldn’t care less about. If La Flama Blanca becomes the Legacy or World Champion – or both – in the UTA and he logically puts his singles title at the forefront of his wrestling strategy, where does that leave me? More applicable to the UTA itself, where does that leave a major championship? Either I wrestle singles matches with an impotent Championship belt around my waist, or I team with Zhalia Fears until the end of time.
I have no problem teaming with Zhalia Fears; like I said, I love Fears to death. But the fact that, even if we set the world on fire as a tag team, we would never ever ever be able to wrestle for the Tag Team titles because I was already wearing one of them would be a waste of time and ability.
What’s worse, this is all coming after the admittedly – hilarious pairing of Blanca and myself as Tag Team Champions was already dealt with. I don’t much like him personally, and the feeling is mutual – but as long as we have these Championships, I’m dedicated to this teaming. I have too much reverence for this sport to treat a Championship title as anything but the honor that it is, and Blanca has told me he feels the same way.
If we’re going to be booked separately, then there needs to be a winner – takes – all type match. Put us against each other with the winner taking both titles. Put our requested partners against each other to see who will team with the tag team champions. Vacate his belt, should he win the Legacy, or the World Title – or both – and have the winner of a Battle Royal have to team with me.
Or – and I realize this is a radical idea – put La Flama Blanca and the Second Coming in the ring against credible opponents to defend the Championships we’ve won.
I realize these are all tough ideas to get across, because they all require our Commissioner to do something that’s impossible for him to do: be a competent fucking authority figure.
You’d think someone who used to wrestle would know better.
I am The Second Coming
"Hope you’re hungry! ‘Cause I got a Knuckle Sandwich... WITH YOUR NAME ON IT!"
- Lunchbox Larry