The scene opens on a group of dogs and cats sitting in a circle. No, this is not the old Marlboro poster. There is no tobacco, cards, or sunglasses. These animals are all sitting on a very thick, foam-like, blue mat. All the dogs look to be of different breeds.
Some of the canines stare off into space, their tongues wagging out the side of their mouths. Others stare from dog to dog, making sure they are in no danger. Some of them only pay attention to their owner, who cannot keep them from calming down. The felines, however, keep their distance from the group and tend to play with one another.
Suddenly, a woman enters the circle from the left. She is very confident, and very smug looking. She’s covered in all white. Don’t get any dirty ideas. Both her shirt and her pants are pure white. Going well with her pearl necklace. A _real_ pearl necklace… Her dark brunette hair contrasts greatly with the white outfit, as it lands on her shoulders.
The woman reaches into her cleavage and pulls out a silver object on a chain. The chain, also around her neck, is barely noticeable amidst the pearl necklace. She pinches the object hanging from said chain, bringing it to her face. Within one fluid, well-practiced motion, she brings the silver object to her lips, blows into it, and allows it to drop back into the bosommed hiding spot.
All of the dogs rise to attention when she blows the whistle. One bloodhound, in particular, turns his head sideways.
Lady: “Attention! Puppies and Parents, listen close!”
The lady smiles brightly. The canines continue to gaze.
Lady: “As most of you know, Priscilla’s Pet Training is one of the most successful and exclusive training facilities on the East Coast! For that reason, a few celebrities have reached out, in an attempt to locate a “show animal.”
Her smile is unwavering, even during an odd announcement like this one. The other people in the room, look around curiously and murmur to each other with excited tones.
Lady: “The gentlemen are looking for an animal to star in a television show with them. Although the majority of you here are canine owners, they have not specified a preference for any specific species. I have called all of you here today because you have some of the most beautiful and well-mannered pets I have ever been blessed to train.”
She puts her arm out in a circle motion, to emphasize “ALL” the animals. The owners, still excited, prance around thinking about all the big money having their dog on tv would bring them! Is it Katie Couric? Regis Philbin? Brangelina?
She walks in a small circle, diligently inspecting every animal.
????: “We will take it from here, lady!”
The camera turns to see Doozer, Mikey Unlikely, Will Haynes and the managers of #WTFC, Coleslaw Jenkins and the Dude enter the front door. All five men don nice clothes, as Will Haynes carries his brand new Wrestle UTA Legacy Championship over one shoulder.
When the pet owners see the group, they all scramble to recognize them. One gentleman does, and quickly approaches them with his hand drawn. The Dude steps forward to deflect the man, then stops and speaks with him.
The lady continues, as the crowd curiously watches the #WTFC Gang.
Lady: “After a very sizable donation was made, on behalf of the…
She reaches for a note card.
Lady: “Hashtag? W.T.F.C... We decided to allow them in here, to determine if any of you possess the animal they are looking for. “
#WTFC lean against a wall, and just begin watching as the animals start doing their thing. The lady leads all of the dogs around in a circle, walking by the gang. Slowly, as each one passes, the gentlemen whisper to one another.
Doozer: “Oh, I like that Great Dane there!”
Doozer points to the largest animal in the room. The gang approaches the dog, who is clearly a gentle giant. Doozer gets right down in the dogs face and begins to rub behind his ears. The dog sticks his tongue out and pushes his head towards Dooze. He is loving it. And that ‘He’ could refer equally to either Doozer or the dog.
The rest of the crew circle the animal and take a good look. As Coleslaw is petting the animal near his rear end, the dog suddenly lifts his tail and… well, he makes a mess. Coleslaw instinctively jumps back and points.
Slaw: “Dooze, look like dis Dog can't control ‘is shit, b.”
The owner plays with the leash nervously before speaking.
Owner: “Well, he is known to… uhm… “let go” around large crowds or people… “
The group lets out a collective sigh.
Mikey: “Sorry buddy, looks like we gotta move on. We’re always around large crowds.”
Will Haynes: “AWEEEEE, YOU GUYS!!”
Haynes runs over to opposite side of the room, toward the cats. In a full sprint, he scoops up two of the kittens. Spinning, he holds them up to the gang across the room.
Will Haynes: “PUSSIES!!!!”
Haynes smiles wide as he smushes the soft cats against his face and chest. The gang laughs from afar. The Dude has finally caught up with the crew, at this point as well. He walks over to Haynes.
The Dude: “Yo, Thrill… I think those kittens are a little too fragile for us. You can't take a couple of kitties to a wrestling show.”
Haynes grows a, pun intended, sad puppy dog face.
Will Haynes: “You can’t?”
The Dude just shakes his head, and pats his buddy on the shoulder. Wall Hangings takes a second, and sighs again. He sneezes unexpectedly. He swats at his nose, and goes to talk to the owner of the kittens.
Doozer leaves the dog that he loved, and he continues to look around at the animals before realizing something wrong.
Dooze: “Wait… Where’d Mikey go?”
The remaining #WTFC members look around, Haynes sneezes again and wipes at his eyes. and finally Slaw shrugs his resignation from searching, before it began.
Finally Doozer recognizes the back of Mikey from across the room, he walks over to his buddy.
Doozer: “Yo Mikey, what's goin…”
Doozer, scaring Mikey by mistake, takes a step back as Mikey lunges his hands into the air. A clear plastic case goes flying. Mikey watches in horror as the container goes up over his head and smashes to the floor. Doozer walks over trying to clean up the mess, Mikey joins him…
Doozer: “Sorry buddy, didn't mean to surprise ya. What was in this case?”
Unlikely looks around frantically. Searching through the broken pieces.
He looks at Doozer wide eyed, and begins looking one more time.
Mikey: “It was… uhm…. it was… “
Doozer: “Spit it out man!”
Mikey: “A Tarantula.”
Dooze’s eyes open faster than an Irish bar opens on St. Pattys day. He stands up horrified.
Mikey: “He was so hairy, and so cute, and so scary! I mean you talk about big spiders, this one was a real porker! Must have eaten a few babies!”
Doozer carefully and quickly walks away as fast as possible, he has a look of terror in his eyes, as he preplans every step he takes.
The owner of the spider walks over to Mikey, as he explains the situation.
Doozer walks back over to where Will is. His back is to the DREAM Hall of Famer. Dooze taps Thrill on the shoulder, he turns around now holding five kittens. Doozer looks at the kittens and smiles, then looks up to Haynes’ face, suddenly Doozer steps back.
Doozer: “Uh, Wall Hangings?”
Heavy breathing comes from his buddy. He points to a mirror in the room. Haynes begins walking over as he responds.
Will Haynes: “What Dooze? What is th’ probl…. “
He cuts himself off as he reaches the mirror. He is in shock, he quickly sets the kittens down. We now see Haynes face, and to say that it is swollen would be an understatement. The Legacy champion looks like he just went 10 rounds with Floyd Mayweather.
Will Haynes: “Oh Ma God… I forgot I’m allergic t’ cats.”
One of the ladies present, digs into her purse and hands Haynes a bottle of Extra Strength Benadryl. Haynes expresses his thanks, the best he could, looking like Chunk from the Goonies. He takes three and pops them down.
Mikey meanders over to where Doozer is, Haynes follows, as well as the rest of the crew.
Doozer: “What a disaster.”
He looks around the room, and realizes the distraction and destruction that was caused.
Doozer: “Ladies and Gentlemen, We appreciate your time! However it seems like what we are looking for is not... “
Mikey puts a finger up to the Dooze’s lips. Signalling for him to shut up, but also getting too close for comfort.
Mikey: “Shhhh. Wait… do you hear that?”
A noise can be heard. Its drawing close. Suddenly from under a sofa comes a small round object. All five #WTFC Members are in hushed amazement as they watch the device skirt its way over to them. It runs into the foot of Mikey Unlikely, turns, and then runs into the foot of Coleslaw, then it turns again.
Slaw: “Its ‘dorable!”
Mikey: “It’s friendly!”
Will Haynes: “It’s a Roomba!”
Doozer: “IT’S PERFECT!”
The five men, all crouch down and start playing with the Roomba. They turn it over and examine it.
Lady: “Uhm, Gentlemen… If you come back over here tomorrow I can have more...
Mikey: “No need, We will take this”
He says pointing to the Roomba, before reaching for his wallet.
Lady: “That is a machine...and quite frankly I’m a little offended that... “
Mikey: “Is $800 enough? Its all the cash I have on me.”
The woman, agast, looks at Mikey, than at the money. On one hand, she would make a $200 profit on a machine, that just wheels around all day, on the other… how could this replace a pet?
She takes the money and sighs. Mikey joins the gang.
Mikey: “It’s ours!”
They all go back to playing with the Roomba.
Slaw: “Ya’ Think its trained?”
Doozer: “Sit Boy!”
The Roomba does not move.
Mikey: “NAILED IT!”
Haynes: “Little B’s a natural!”
The Dude: “Ok, One question?”
Doozer: “What’s That?”
The Dude: “What do we name it?”
"I am not that dragon and you are not that warrior."
- Wondrous Mental Dragon