(Flash the catchy well produced intro of UTA Superstars talking with interviewers and the hokey in house music)
Voice over guy: Today’s question comes to us from I.M. Virgin from Seattle Washington and he wants to know “How do the UTA Superstars celebrate Valentine’s Day?”
(Tires squeal, picture goes black/white and screen splits in two along with the sound of glass crashing as we cut to interview guy asking Ron Hall about his plans for Valentine’s Day.)
Ron: (Annoyed at the question) Valentines Day? You mean Hallmark Day right?
Interviewer: No I mean Valentines Day….
Ron: Do you ever Google anything? If you did, you’d know what kind of historical sham and fraud Halmark Day really is. (Ron produces an overpriced stuffed Teddy bear that before today cost 29.99 at your local retailer, tomorrow it will be 50% off and they’ll keep marking it down just so they can get rid of it. Ron holds Hal up to the camera so you can see part of the heart he’s got which reads Happy) I want you to meet my friend Hal here. He’s a reminder of how the world wants you to spend a ton of money on stuff that will never be touched or thought about after today and how the world wants you to keep quiet if you don’t have anyone to waste, I mean spend the money on.
(Sets Hal down)
So maybe we could just show the world what I really think of today and do like history says the Romans did to dear old St. Valentine. (With that Ron produces a huge samurai sword and the censors begin flashing a frantic “DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME” message across your computer screens)
Interviewer: (Nervously) Ummm Ron… I don’t know if this is such a good idea.
Ron: Nonsense. (Violently impales the bear with the sword) We’re teaching the kids about history. (With a deft motion, flips the bear into the air and as it comes back down to earth, Ron decapitates Hal and then like a short order cook chops what’s left of Hal to pieces. The announcer stands there and cringes as Ron turns Hal into pillow stuffing.)
Ron: (Finishes and looks at the announcer and into the camera) Happy February 14th to everyone!
Fade to: David Hightower is sitting in his lounge chair eating a box of chocolates with his dog Whiskey sitting nearby.
Hightower: Valentines day… What a god dang joke… It clearly is nothin more than a holiday designed by women! I mean really think about it! Two months after Christmas! Ya just get done buyin ya woman somethin expensive that ya probably haven’t even paid off yet and she wants ya to buy her more crap?!
David shakes his head disgusted eating another candy from the box.
Hightower: Name me one guy who actually gives a crap about this here holiday! That guy either is playin fer the other team or the woman he’s with has him so emotionally tormented to the point he’s like a soldier after fightin a war! This stinkin holiday can go straight to hell!
David takes a bite into another candy and he immediately spits it out.
Hightower: BLEGH!!!! I got the one filled with toothpaste!!! God dangit they can’t even make candy appropriately fer this holiday! And cards? Really? Ya expect me to spend 6 dollars on somethin someone else wrote in it? I can do the exact same thing on a sticky note! And the worst part about this whole holiday are all the stupid sales ya see at every store ya go to! Look at Mickey D’s! Pay with Lovin… I god dang near punched out the cashier because he expected me to shake his hand fer a burger! No! I ain’t into that there crap!
Hightower throws the box of candy over his shoulder.
Hightower: Screw Valentines day! The only guy who ever celebrated this holiday appropriately was Al Capone! All I need is a 6 pack of beer and my dog and I’m happy! Happy Valentines day! Now if ya excuse me! I need a beer to get this rotten Valentines Day candy taste outta my mouth!
Fade in: The scene starts with Marie Van Claudio in the locker room, sitting on her couch as she looks at the cameras for this question that needs to be answered.
Claudio: So how do I spend my Valentine’s Day. Well I will tell you how I spend it.
Marie flips her hair out of the way as she cocks her head out of the way.
Claudio: I’m married. Married to a lovely man, who happens to be in the UTA as my manager. This is how we do Valentine’s Day. We go out to dinner, we have a nice time with candles all around us. Then as soon as we get done, we go back home and we do the things that half of these “losers” in the back cannot get.
Marie smirks as she looks at the cameras.
Marie Van Claudio: And that’s how MVC celebrates Valentine’s Day.
Fade to A very dimly lit room with a hint of purple emitting from the walls. The Spectre sits in a plush ottoman, his elbow propped on the arm of the chair, his hand resting against the right side of his face. He is looking off camera, and appears to be in though, although the scowl on his face would indicate it’s nothing nice.
Spectre: So I come here, expecting to be asked some questions regarding my recent self-imposed leave of absence, and instead, I get asked some stupid question about… about Valentine’s Day. More specifically,,,
Spectre jerks a crumpled piece of paper in his other hand, and begins reading from it.
Spectre: How do you celebrate Valentine's Day?
Spectre rolls the paper in a ball and throws i over his shoulder behind him.
Spectre: Good lord! Do I LOOK like the type who has any sort of intimate relationship with ANYONE or ANYTHING? HELL, NO! And before some of the smart asses out there start thinking like a bunch juvenile delinquents… NO! I don’t nor have EVER had some sort of sick bestiality relationship with Johnny the hyena!
I’ve never had time for … (quotation fingers) “love” or mushy shit. It’s not in my vocabulary.
Now, if you want to get on the subject of “love to hate”, let me… *ahem* ...shoot from the hip, if you will. And I don’t just do this on Valentine’s Day, I think about this EVERY day!
Rap music. Hate it! Unless you’re talking about 80s rap when it was still decent and hadnt yet been contaminated by gangstas.
Arrogant pricks! You act like a prick, meaning you constantly belittle and put others down just to try and make yourself feel a little bit better, and a few cheap thrills or laughs from your comrades or the ones you call friends, then you CERTAINLY have no love or admiration or respect whatsoever from me!
Alcoholics! If you are a raging alcoholic who can’t put down the fucking bottle for one damn day, then you don’t deserve love, except that from the local police department, to make sure you stay put away so you can “think about things”! Get sobered up, and MAYBE someone out there will give you just enough love until you fall off the wagon again!
Spectre pauses, obviously something struck a nerve talking about that subject. The glint in his eyes seems to have disappeared, and become more cold. Spectre speaks again, this time his voice a “normal” as the high pitched nasally sound has disappeared.
Spectre: Love poems can say a lot, and the goons that put together this show challenged me to come up with something… so here is MY quote-unquote LOVE poem, to a VERY...SPECIAL...PERSON… out there!
It’s called … “Workshootfaceheelpromo… Breaking All The Rules… BECAUSE I CAN”
Spectre clears his throat and pulls out a very neatly folded piece of paper from his back pocket. he carefully opens the the paper fully, and begins reading from it…
I am thinking
My head is baking
Heat rising to the top
What have you done
Except break down and destroy
And you’re never gonna stop
There is fire and there is HEAT
In this heart and eyes of mine
Seeing RED when I think of you
Such a bitter pill
I’m not going to swallow
Despising you is nothing new.Spectre leans back in the chair as he begins thinking of something that clearly has him extremely agitated. He cuts his eyes back to the camera, seeing it is still rolling. Spectre quickly leans forward, extremely annoyed.
Spectre: THE END!!! OK?! That it! There is no more! I’m done! This is the last time you’ll see The Spectre! Take a good look! Cause kayfabe just killed me!
The camera continues to roll. Spectre gets up out of his chair, annoyed.
Spectre: To hell with this! I’m done! Screw love when people stop loving you and what you’ve done for them for so many years!
Spectre walks off set, with just the lone cameraman still there.
Cameraman: Uh, what the hell just happened?
(Credits are playing and all the annoying social media links you find on any other site pop up as we hear the Announcer doing a voice over as the show ends)
This concludes this edition of UTA Instant messenger, join us again soon as more of your favorite UTA Superstars answer your most personal questions. Have an idea for a question you’d like to hear the UTA talk about? Send it to us on Facebook, Skype, Twitter or Email in the links below. Thanks for watching!
"I NEED CHEESEBURGERS"
- Kentucky Tarzan