So, who is K-JAX?
Fuck, I dunno, me I guess. That’s kind of like a trick question, know what I’m sayin’? I’m just a dude you’ve probably never heard of who grew up watchin’ the UTA and wants to live the dream. Can you dig that, my dudes?
I’ve been ramblin’ around the bottom of the circuit, workin’ anywhere that’d let a young, charismatic, cool motherfucker such as myself ply his trade. Now, I ain’t never been no kinda rampagin’ beast or anything like that, unless you count them rats if ya know what I mean, but I don’t make no excuses, either.
You know, for losin’ matches an’ whatnot.
Losin’ is all part of learnin’, ya dig, and That New Charisma Kid has been learning his ass off over the past couple’a years drivin’ all over creation tryin’ ta find his place in the world. Next thing ya know the FWF came callin’ on your boy! And by that I mean I was just about to send in some tapes and some 8x10s and try to get a gig before all the hullabaloo that turned into the best thing that could have happened to a kid from Austin with spectacular hair and and and a dream!
Fast-forward a month and a half and ya boy’s got himself a bonafide try-out match on UTA Livewire! I mean, it’s not really a tryout match, I’m all but convinced all I gotta do is show up and do what it is that I do and I’ll be on my way to the top of the UTA in no time!
Not that that ain’t gonna be a long ass road in and of itself…
I’m just sayin’, ya heard?
My name is Kirby Jackson, and I got this unstoppable itch to put a beatin’ on some oldtimer with a Messiah Complex that ain’t got the good sense to get out of the way and let the new generation of UTA Superstar shine on the big stage! Now, if only I can find somebody like that to make my debut against…
[How very timely.]
“Aw, bro, you ain’t got the ‘rona, do ya?”
[K-JAX, in all of his tu-toned mullet and bedazzled fanny-pack glory, kicks a flip-flopped foot up on the makeshift coffee table in between two lawn chairs and the television. The TV, one of those curved ultra omega hi-def jobs, is the only thing of any value in the room.]
Fuck, I hope not.
[Stanly, steadfast road dog and bff to our hero, gives an incredulous look in response. Kirby is oblivious to it all, too busy visualizing winning his first match in the UTA. Yeah, he’s a glass-half-full kind of dude.]
The fuck do you mean you hope not?
I don’t feel like that was a hard concept to figure out, my dude. I hope I ain’t got the ‘rona, otherwise UTA probably ain’t gonna let me wrestle Alan Jesusman.
Dude. Seriously. Alan Jesusman? That can’t be his name.
Can’t it? Sounds right to me.
[Stan pulls a phone out of thin air and starts frantically Google searching. He winds up on wrestleUTA.com where the information is readily available.]
Don’t you mean Alan Christopher?
[The Commodore of Charisma narrows his eyes, cocking a brow.]
Doesn’t ring a bell.
[A vein pops out about an inch-and-a-half from poor ol’ Stan’s temple.]
Bro. You gotta take this shit more seriously! The dude’s got a resume six miles long! He’s won something like two-hundred and thirty-seven titles over the past thirteen years! HE USED TO BE SOME KIND OF UNSTOPPABLE TAGAMAGOOBERMUFFIN! It says so right in his bio! And also pretty much every other word out of his mouth!
[K-JAX makes an uninspired jerk-off hand gesture.]
You’re gonna die, bro.
[Kirby sneezes again, louder and with much mist and phlegm.]
[A silent moment passes.]
Only if this goddamned ‘rona gets me before the match!
YOU SAID YOU DIDN’T HAVE THE ‘RONA!
[Kirby shrugs, once again lost in contemplation.]
[The Charisma Kid stands proud, one leg kicked up on a stool like he’s got a little of the Captain in him. His hair, coiffed in the most fashionable of mullets you’ve ever laid eyes on, is slicked back like a boss in the front, shaved up on the sides, and a flowing mane of party in the back. Try not to be too jelly. Both ears are plugged with feathered earrings and a pair of cheap sunglasses are perched mightily across his brow. The shades are glaringly pink and they sort of match the bedazzling badassery of his feloniously fantastic fanny pack. The pack kind of sort of covers his bulge, but it also kind of sort of doesn’t. Magenta lycra holds the beast back but if you look closer a forest of pubic hair peeks out the sides and a hideous happy-trail climbs out the top depending on how animated he gets.]
[A mauve ascot is lovingly wrapped around his neck.]
[If ya don’t know, now ya know.]
Alright then, let’s rap.
March 25th is the date. The FWF Studios in Las Vegas is the place. Livewire is the name on the marquis and PRO-FESSIONAL RASSLIN’ is the name of the game! Now I might not be a six-time hall-of-famer in the ABCWF or a forty-leven time champion in the XYZCW, hell I might not have ever worked in front of more than a few dozen people in a warehouse or a VFW hall…
I MIGHT NOT EVEN BE ENTIRELY HUMAN!
[Spoiler alert: K-JAX is entirely human.]
What am, however, is most assuredly NOT an idiot.
Turn up your hearin’-aids, boomer, and let that settle in for just a minute! I ain’t listenin’ to none of yer 2007 bullshit, I ain’t listenin’ to none of your 2013 bullshit, and I ain’t listenin’ to none of yer “I used to matter in a bunch’a places that don’t matter” bullshit!
As a matter of fact, you can take all of that sad bunch of bullshit and blow it out yer wazoo, because as a lifelong fan of the United Toughness Alliance one thing I can tell you FOR SURE is that nobody gives a furious fuck about what you used to do, where you used to do it, or who you used to let do it to ya! You’re the new kid here, just like me, and just because yer a hundred and fifty-two years old you don’t get no kind of fuckin’ benefits here, Jesusman!
NO UNITED HEALTHCARE FOR YOU, BUTTHOLE!
[Kirby emphasizes his points with the broadest and grandest of hand gestures.]
What you DO get, however, is a heapin’ helpin’ of me, the Charismatic Dragon, happy to slap that fake-ass bible out of yer hands and turn you into stepping stone number one on my way to addin’ my name on the list of absolute LEGENDS that the UTA is famous for promoting!
Legends like Ron Hall and Madman Szalinski! Marie Van Claudio and Jack Hunter! Sean Jackson! Will Haynes! ERIC FREAKIN’ DANE and even La Flama Blanca! These are the people that matter in the UTA, Jesusman, and these are the people that you’re gonna get compared to!
Well, them… and me!
I’ll be the guy out there doin’ everything I can to make you look good and me look better, if yer pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down! An’ when it’s all over you can open up your big fake-ass bible and file that shit under the Book of K-JAX!
Overlook me if you want, old-timer, it’s your early retirement.
Well, it’s not exactly early now, is it…?
[Kirby winks, throws up two thumbs, and cackles.]
"JESUS SHIT TITS"
- Kentucky Tarzan