"And welcome back to the Joint-Lock Commission, our podcast about Pro Wrestling. Once again, I'm Clinically Significant. My co-host the Knight of the Squared Circle is taking a hiatus while he sorts out some further child custody issues. Please join me in wishing him the best of luck. And we have in the studio with us the incomparable Jace Wheeler".
"Thank you, good to be here."
"I saw a fan cam of your match in Berlin, I'm not quite sure what you said to get the entire stadium chanting what google translate informs me was 'Brooklyn or Hell, just go back, just go back.'"
"I claimed on the mic that Scooter was a more progressive electronic act than Rammstein. And yeah, I get it, Rammstein has way better politics and Scooter went to shit after Axel left the band in '02. But still, I won 'em back in the ring, because that's the kind of shit I do. Besides, nobody'd have argued if I'd said Tokyo Ghetto Pussy, with their clearer lineage in inventing Happy Hardcore, but TGP was always a side project and does not count, however revolutionary."
"I'm still a bit lost, but I don't listen to much music."
"Like, at all?"
"I can't split my focus, and so unless I'm just gonna sit there with youtube cued up, I'm just gonna wind up distracted."
"Look, even if you can't empathize, It's important that wrestlers take stands on controversial issues. A lot of people in media, they'd be taking a risk, jeopardizing their career like that. But wrestling's have a particular responsibility because our voices cannot easily be deplatformed. Because ever since the 1990s we have proven that anywhere: ring, locker room, parking lot, or the very street itself can be the venue for our work. If they ban us from the premises, it has been a longstanding tradition that we can return under masks."
"Is that how Lucha Libre got started?"
"Dude, Clin-Sig, you know as well as I do that it's a parallel tradition. I've listened to 'Cyclone McKay to Black Quicksilver - 75 Years Beneath the Mask.' Very comprehensive."
"You flatter me, Mr. Wheeler, I didn't know you followed the podcast."
"I'm a man of my word, I live authentically, I do not talk about shit that I have not seen, listened to or been reliably informed of from a legitimate source. Next question."
"Um, yeah, I've been following your career since Asylum in 2013, so I need to ask, why FWF?"
"Look, between visas and sublet issues, I was only able to get over there for a couple months at a time. So yeah, I was able to cover the rent and flights with merch sales and a little personal training on the side since I am a Certified Kettlebell Instructor and got Crossfit Level 4 in 2015. But two months at a time, no more than ninety days out of every hundred eighty? That's no way to build a reputation. That's no way to build a legacy. It was either here or Japan, and like it or not, America is where the eyeballs are."
"But like it says, you're one of the most sought-after free agents in the sport. Why are you going to a new fed, one where you'll have to build your audience, your legacy from scratch "
"There comes a time in every man's life where he has to confront his past."
"You mean like how Charles Feigel was also associated with Asylum, which you left under a cloud?"
"Like I said, there comes a time in every man's life where he has to confront his past."
"And how Buddy Showtime..."
"Don't mention that name."
"He did train you, all those years ago."
"I have an injunction against him using me in his ads. Let me state for the record that I am not associated with that asshole and his so-called Conservatory of Violent Arts."
"And yet, I'm hearing he's been signed to a backstage role in your new Fed."
"Sometimes. A Man. Has. To Confront. His Past."
"Do you have any further comment?"
"What part of Sometimes-a-man-has-to-confront-his-past don't you understand?"
"OK. So let's talk about future confrontations, instead."
"So right out of the gate, you're gonna be in the tournament for the title. Tell me Jace Wheeler, how do you feel about your first round match with Blaze Havoc?"
"Frankly, CS, I'm appalled. The man has no business being in the squared circle with professionals."
"So Jace, isn't that a bit harsh? The man is a veteran and it is Veteran's Day."
"Look, I am a man of my word. I'm an honest man. Do you think I would say word one of this without data?"
"Data, you say? That's my favorite thing about wrestling!"
"Anyone who listened to Beneath the Mask would know that."
"So what's your data?"
"Mind if I address Mr. Havoc directly?"
"Go right ahead, wouldn't be the weirdest thing that's happened on this podcast."
"Blaze Havoc, I am calling Because I have run the tape. I've watched your run in All-Star, Blaze, and all you seemed to do was say yes to Lexi, get her beers, and have your ass handed to you by a psychologically compromised man."
"But you know, that could have just been one off day. It was a garbage match, and that'll always up the chance of a random fluke. So I pulled up your run in NEO. CS, have you seen this run?"
"I said, CS..."
"I thought you were addressing Mr. Havoc directly?"
"No, I'm addressing you in an aside while I address him directly."
"OK, then yeah, I watch every piece of Sports Entertainment my time-and-financial budgets allow and my stomach permits."
"Cool, then let's go through it in order."
"Have I told you that you really get me?"
"March 9th, 2018."
"That'd be a loss to Mike Leone by pinfall."
"OK. That's a first match in a new fed. Always a bit uncertain, so let's give him the benefit of the doubt."
"March 30th, 2018."
"Loss to Angelus by pinfall."
"That was a garbage match, and it involved thumbtacks so we'll chalk that up to randomness. Similarly, we'll skip August 3rd, mini-rumbles aren't a good test of skill. Unlike the full 30-man rumble which actually is clinically signifficant. And that brings us to..."
"October 4th, 2018..."
"Where you're tagging with your wife who is already proven to have been your everything. And you still can't pull out the win. And then..."
"December 7th, 2018, if I could just f-"
"Where you tagged with Evan Storm who, like me, is from Brooklyn so you know he's good. And you lose to Ice Queen and Denise De'Vil, a team who the two of you outweigh by at least a hundred thirty pounds and at least three balls. They beat you so bad you no-showed in January. A deeply unprofessional act."
"Which brings you to your final match, this past August."
"Er....there's no footage. The arena goes dark and when the lights go out, he's lost."
"And that's exactly my case. I can respect a man who puts his body on the line week after week for the fans. I can even respect a man who puts his body on the line week after week and still can't pull out the win. But a man who puts his body on the line week after week, gets beaten and nobody but the people involved are aware of the details? That's deeply suspect, isn't it CS."
"That does bring to mind the Sordid World of Apartment Wrestling."
"Blaze Havoc, what we do out there is sacred. Two or more wrestlers, a duly-appointed referee and a rapt crowd. All of these elements are necessary. The wrestlers to determine the truth of who is superior, the referee to vouchsafe that the contest is legitimate and, most importantly, the audience. Otherwise, this isn't a sport. This isn't a spectacle. This is a hobby. And Blaze, as a Professional, I have no patience for secrets, I have no time for amateurs and I have no tolerance for hobbyists!
This Sunday in Vegas, it'll just be you, me and the referee in the ring. Your wife cannot save you from me. Your barbed wire cannot save you from the referee. And your military background cannot save you from the unforgiving eyes in the 16,800 seats of the MGM Grand Arena this Sunday, November 17th."
"Strong words from the pride of Brooklyn. Thanks for coming on, Jace and good luck on Sunday."
"Oh, don't worry. Where I'm going, I won't need luck."
"And after the break, we'll be giving you our predictions for Alpha Wrestling's Death Before Defeat PPV. But first another word from our sponsor, Manscaped. Your #1 source for men's below the belt grooming and hygiene."
"Hope you’re hungry! ‘Cause I got a Knuckle Sandwich... WITH YOUR NAME ON IT!"
- Lunchbox Larry