"This the one?"
"Yeah. It's gotta be."
"That's what you said last time."
Two kids, dressed in black, approach the rear of a U-Hail vehicle. The footage appears to be from a nearby security camera.
"What's the worst that could happen?"
"We find a dead body again."
"That's not funny. Quit laughing and help me get this thing open..."
One produces a small crowbar, used to force the lock from the door's latch.
"Hurry up, before someone starts askin' questions."
The door is slid open, as quietly as a large sliding medal door can be during the dead of night. The two look in, the contents barely visible at the edge of the camera's line of sight. They smile, one of them nudging the other on the shoulder excitedly.
"Holy shit dude! Merry fuckin' Christmas!"
The first one disappears into the truck. The second one stays back, keeping point.
"Bro, I just found a crate full of bottles of Jack! Heh...they even got ribbons on them. HEY! This thing is full of food and shit! Dude, what did we find?"
"Maybe this was a charity dropbox..."
"Then why'd they leave it parked for days and ain't nobody touched it?"
"I don't know..."
The lookout starts moving towards the truck's interior as well, looking down towards some of the cargo. He suddenly jumps back, falling back and stumbling an additional step off the truck onto the pavement.
"There IS a fuckin' body in here! Look!"
Footsteps inside the truck are heard. The lookout gets back to his feet as the entryman comes back into view at the truck's doorframe. He looks down towards the lookout at first, then back over to where he points inside the truck.
"Yeah, right...WHOA! Jesus Christ!"
"I fuckin' told you, dude!"
"SHIT! All right man, grab what you can, we gotta get the fuck out of here..."
"We gotta tell somebody! Dude, there's a fuckin' dead body in here!"
"I didn't kill him, did you? We ain't here for him, we here for the shit in the truck with him. Let's get this work done and get paid."
The first man disappears back into the truck. The second one rists to his feet, climbing back up. Clanking is heard, by some yelling.
"IS THAT YOU B.R. ELLIS? I'MA KICK THE FUCKIN' SHIT OUT YOUR BITCH ASS!"
"HE AIN'T DEAD BRUH! HE A FUCKIN' NECROMANCER!"
"THE POWER OF CHRIST, BITCH!"
"THE POWER OF MY FIST UP YOUR DICKHOLE!"
Loud slams and even louder yells are heard. The side of the truck buckles slightly.
"LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!"
"FUCK THAT! SHUT THE FUCKIN' DOOR, I'M TRYNA' READ CREEPYPASTAS IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER!"
One of the men flies from the back of the truck, all the way to the pavement where they land flatback and aren't getting up anytime soon.
"YOU TELL B.R. ELLIS I'MA FUCK HIS ASSHOLE FOR CHRISTMAS! AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR YOU PUNK ASS TRICK!"
The second man falls flat on his face/stomach, trying to crawl out of the truck. He is dragged back in, while the man from inside the truck begins laughing hysterically.
"SIMPLY! HAVING! A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS TIME!"
The truck's side dents even more.
"WHO SENT YOU! ARE YOU RUSSIAN? NORTH KOREAN? YOU FROM ACTION WRESTLING? ANSWER ME!"
"JUST LET ME GO MAN! I WAS JUST LOOKIN' TO MAKE A QUICK BUCK FOR CHRISTMAS!"
"YOU WAS LOOKIN' TO MAKE A BUCK? WELL MY NAME'S BUCK AND I'M HERE TO FUCK! DROP YOUR PANTS, LET'S SMOKE SOME GRASS! YOU EVER SUCK COCK BEFORE?"
The other would-be robber jumps from the truck, leaping farther than he ever imagined possible. Helping his friend up, the two scramble away as fast as their feet can carry them. Kentucky Tarzan steps out from the back of the truck, holding a can of Four Loko in one hand and a giant Rice Krispie Treat in the other. He bites from the treat, takes a drink from his can, and sits down with a heavy sigh.
"Last Christmas...I gave you my heart..."
He takes another bite of the treat.
"But the very next day, you sold it for meth..."
Kentucky Tarzan looks up, smiling when he sees someone off-camera (the only part of them visible their shadow.)
"Merry Christmas, Uncle. Want some Rice Krispie Treat?"
The video ends.
"Hope you’re hungry! ‘Cause I got a Knuckle Sandwich... WITH YOUR NAME ON IT!"
- Lunchbox Larry