"My family is fucked up." A cold-open brings us straight to a shot of Kentucky Tarzan's face, the video being taken from a cell phone's front camera. "My dad smoked crack on camera, my mom has a pet alien, my aunt is a real Twitter lesbian, and my uncle who trained me literally bit his way into the semi's of the title tournament."
Tarzan cracks his neck a bit, loosening his shoulders. "And here I am, can't even get a fair finish to one of my matches." He chuckles slightly. "This shit is definitely out there."
Bubbling is heard, proceeded by the click of a lighter. Kentucky Tarzan hits a bong made out of an empty 40oz Hurricane bottle. "The thing that gets me is, like, everyone's family is fucked up if you think about it. Especially if you're on TV. The more famous you are, the more fucked up your shit gets. And like, my family's super famous. Everyone's won a bunch of belts and shit, a couple of them got really popular, a couple of them got really unpopular, but everyone knows who we are. I can't take a piss in a Burger King without someone giving me shit for something my dad or my aunt did. They always say some shit like 'hahaha, 4CW owned your dad' or 'your aunt is a weeaboo' or 'sir, please don't urinate in our lobby.' Always gotta fuck with my vibe, man."
Kentucky Tarzan hits the bong again. None of his environment or surroundings have been discernably visible as of yet in this video. "So like, I got a reputation to keep. Whenever people ask me about my dad, I have to whip out my dick and masturbate while looking them directly in the eye. And I gotta do it knuckles down, Joe Rogan style. If people want to bring up my family, I have to bring up one of my sandals and run it down their ass crack. I'm Ash Ketchum. I want to be the VERY best. I want to be so fucked up and off the wall, I make Raging Dead look about as unique as an insurance agent on Xanax. I want to make California Wrestling look like a credible functioning company. Kentucky Tarzan doesn't need a jungle to swing, Martin BRElli! All he needs is the vine that God gave him!"
Tarzan moves around, showing that he was originally seated. He is now standing. "Get your own schtick! I did the classroom segment first! Do you have any idea how much of a crossfade I had to get to come up with that? Do you? Can you even keep your composure after a fifth of Crown Russe? I bet you'd have puked on the teacher's desk before you even got to the line about shooting Soboxone in your pee-pee! If ya can't take shots with me, you can't take my shots. I promise you that. This is Texas, you're gonna need bigger balls than that. Because I'll tie my dick to the god damn rafters and drop down on you like Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible. When I pass my stealth checks, I'm so stealthy I don't even know I'm there!"
One more hit from the bong...and Kentucky Tarzan spikes it into the floor like Hershel Walker! "WOOOO! NOW LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD!" He rotates the phone 180 degrees to show what is in front of him. "WHO THE FUCK IS READY TO SPREAD SOME GOD DAMN CHRISTMAS CHEER?"
Kentucky Tarzan is inside of a box truck, filled with Christmas gifts. "THAT'S RIGHT! I TOOK MY PAYOUT FROM MY LAST MMA FIGHT, WHICH WAS ENOUGH TO BUY THE TRUCK AND ALL THIS SHIT YOU SEE IN IT, AND I'M GONNA DRIVE RIGHT INTO THE MIDDLE OF BEAUMONT TEXAS!" Tarzan puts on a hemp Santa hat, with the white trim replaced by green vine and a cluster of leaves rather than the white ball on the end. "LET'S RUN THIS ALL IN THE NAME OF BABY JESUS AND TOGETHERNESS AND FAMILY VALUES AND THE HALLMARK CHANNEL!"
Kentucky Tarzan prepares to open the big metal sliding door.
"DASHING THROUGH THIS SMOKE! JUST BOUGHT THIS FUCKING EIGHTH! I NEED ANOTHER ONE..."
The door does not budge.
"Shit...." Tarzan again tries to open the door. It again refuses to budge. "What the fuck is going on..."
He sets the phone down, against one of the packages, and is still rolling as he tugs at the door with all his might. "Why won't it..."
Tarzan's face drops. "That's right. The doors on a U-Haul lock from the outside..."
He looks around the truck for a moment, sighing deeply.
The flashlight that was providing the only illumination in the video flickers, then fades out.
- Kentucky Tarzan