Fade in on Jace Wheeler, in a Fear the Lusus T-shirt (Jolt, 2005), stands in front of a hotel room door.
JACE: I suppose you're wondering why I've called the both of you here tonight.
Camera pans over to Melissa Diaz and a young man in slacks and a vest with a name tag, reading "THOMAS"
MELISSA DIAZ: You stated, and I quote, that you were going to do something that was both revolutionary and deeply relevant to the interest of the audience.
JACE: Exactly, and it all begins with this.
Jace produces a coconut from behind his back.
DIAZ: A coconut?
Jace poses threateningly with the coconut.
JACE: Don't underestimate the coconut. One of these babies turned a man into a murderer on that fatal night in 1984.
DIAZ: Wait...that doesn't...the alleged manslaughter happened in '83 and...are you...are you messing with me?
JACE: Someone's been watching the tape.
DIAZ: Is that what every man in FWF's going to do? Call me over, condescend to me, take off his shirt, throw food and yell nonsense?
JACE: Do you really think the women are any better? Lexi Havoc'd call you over and just fail to show.
JACE: Besides, it's not like I've done any of the other three and if you did experience condescencion from me, I apologize for your reaction.
DIAZ: And not your words?
JACE: Melissa, Ms. Diaz, you've been in the business about as long as I have. You know that talk is cheap. You know that words are meaningless. You know that the only thing that matters is action.
DIAZ: And what action are you going to take.
JACE: Well, using this itinerary for two weeks ago, I know that the Lynches are putting us up here in the Holiday Express tonight. I, of course, have had accounting cash in my room and I've made accommodations elsewhere. But with the help of Tommy the night manager here, who's been surprisingly cool.
THOMAS flashes a thumbs up.
JACE: I've been able to get in there. Then I'll bust in the door, smash this coconut on Kentucky Tarzan's head and show him who's boss. And so tomorrow, at Pandemonium, when we have our tournament match, he'll know that Jace Wheeler has his number! These are going to be classic hijinx, and the best part is, since we're both white, there are absolutely no racial microaggressions this time! It's going to be awesome. You are both extremely privileged to witness this.
DIAZ: There's one hitch in your plan.
THOMAS: You never said anything about kicking down the door.
DIAZ: Well there's that.
JACE: I thought you were cool, Tommy.
Thomas shuts up. And Jace kicks the door down with a solid, textbook big boot.
DIAZ: But the real hitch is that the Lynches haven't run the fed for two weeks.
The camera pans over the room to reveal an empty suite.
DIAZ: New management's cut back on perks, and the hotel reservations
JACE: Goddamn it! God! Damn! It! You know I don't pay attention when I'm not booked! Damn it all. I just gave the last of my peyote, which I cannot afford to replace right now, to a hotel employee for goddamn NOTHING!
Thomas makes shhh-ing noises and waves his hand and tries every gesture he can to try to show Jace it's not OK to admit to bribing a hotel employee with drugs on camera.
JACE: OK. OK. Think. Now how am I going to prove that Kentucky Tarzan is beneath my notice?
The telltale crackle of a walkie-talkie is heard in the distance.
VOICE: Everything OK up here?
JACE: OK. Melissa, you and Tommy take the cameraman down that way. Tommy'll swipe you into the Fitness Center. You can lay low there until the heat dies down.
MELISSA: What if anyone comes in.
JACE: If Butte's like the rest of America, you won't have to worry.
MELISSA: And what about you?
Jace tosses the coconut in the air, he whips his shirt off and tosses at Melissa who is surprised to find she's caught it, before the coconut lands in Jace's palm.
JACE: Jace Wheeler was never here. ME AM KENTUCKY TARZAN!
DIAZ: OK, shirt off, that's three out of five.
A large man in a navy blazer and cop shoes walks into frame, he couldn't be more obviously a security guard if he had a hat labeled "SECURITY." Thomas, by this point, has disappeared.
JACE: UNGAWA, Y'ALL!
SECURITY: Sir, I've been receiving some noise complaints...
JACE: YEEEEEEHAW! KENTUCKY TARZAN HERE!
DIAZ: OK. Babbling nonsense, that's four of five.
SECURITY: Sir, I am going to have to see your room key.
JACE: HERE'S WHAT KENTUCKY TARZAN THINKS OF YOUR CHOICE OF FOOTWEAR!
The coconut whizzes through the air, missing the security guard by six inches and leaving a divot in the wall as he runs into the suite
SECURITY: Requesting backup on the third floor. Repeat, backup to the third floor.
DIAZ: Thrown food. Yahtzee. I'm out.
JACE: ROCK OVER LONDON, ROCK ON CHICAGO! KENTUCKY TARZAN IS COMMITTING PROPERTY CRIME!
And with that, Jace finishes prying the window open and, gripping the sill, executes a textbook Parkour hang-and-drop as he disappears out the window.
"TED CRUZ IS THE ZODIAC KILLER"
- Kentucky Tarzan