The scene opens to a view of a wide open highway with an interstate sign on the side with the number 191 on it. Not a lot of vehicles traveling the road at the moment. The sun is slowly going down in the distance, and clouds can be seen in every direction, stretching across the sky.
A rumbling noise can be heard, it slowly gets louder. Finally the rumble becomes a car engine and we see a blue 1981 Pontiac Trans Am race past the camera. Cut to the inside of the car, where we see someone we’re not too familiar with in The FWF.
It’s “Lovely” Lance Mingle.
The T-Tops are off, his long blond hair blowing in the wind. The orange polarized sunglasses reflect the sun. Lance wears a blue unbuttoned shirt, his hairy gut protrudes past the shirt. He finishes the ensemble off with dirty jeans.
Lance snaps the Skynard off and begins to speak aloud. I wonder if he sees the cameraman in the passenger seat?
“On my way to Pandemonium 4!”
The car rumbles past a sign that says “145 miles to Butte”
“Turns out the Casey’s General Stores laid me off again… and I’m left without a lot of options. They totally spazzed out when I stuck my Peter in the freezer to see how small I could shrink it. Guess Ol’ Casey don’t know how to have a little fun. Now the undeployment office says I can’t get any more of those free checks so gotta do something!“
He picks a flyer up from the dashboard and holds it up. It’s an FWF ad for their TV show.
“Saw this down at the local Walmart and thought, As many barfights as I’ve won, there’s no way these little Mall Maggots can beat me. I’m a bad man with the hippest hair! I’ve even been getting shredded!”
Lance slaps his fat gut a couple times with approval.
“So I called em up and asked for a fight, and they said ‘if you can make it to Butt, then we’ve got a battle royal spot for you.” YOU KNOW IT! I’ve been to the butt so many times. So now it’s thirteen hotdoggers and one “Lovely” Lance Mingle. All I gotta do is throw these guys out, don’t have to knock em out. CLUTCH!”
Not sure if he meant it literally or figuratively as he does shift the car into another gear at the same time.
“So I’m on my way to Butte, ready to toss out 13 Noobs, so that I can pay my lot rent, and pick up a hottie with a primo perm from the bar! Get ready Fans Wrestling Federation, because Lance wants to Dance, and the rest of you can get to the curb! I’m here to fight, fuck, and drink… it’s about to get warped!”
Lance pulls a bottle of hair conditioner from the floor of the car, squirts some onto his hand, and runs it through his thick head of hair.
“That’s better. Anyway, I’m going to win this battle royal, knock these geeks out, and leave the ladies drooling with this luscious mane. It’s going to be Mondo! I’m going to be the biggest thing since Pacman!”
He pauses for a second.
Lance pushes the pedal to the medal and the car roars as it lurches forward. He snaps the Skynard back on as the screen fades to a loud “YEAAAAAAAH”
"JESUS SHIT TITS"
- Kentucky Tarzan