Part One // He Tore His Taint
Today's adventure begins at the Controversial Circle Wrestling Academy and Ice Cream Emporium, or CCWA&ICE for short. For well over a decade, this has been a breeding ground for some of the best young stars in the business today: Madwoman Szalinski, Sara Pettis, uhhh, dozens more we don't have time to look up right now.
Chris and Ricky, the twin sons of legendary ass kicker Aj Nin Red Rum, are working out in the ring. Sara, daughter of legendary ass kicker Ice, is in a side office working with a sewing machine. Her frustration is evident when she punches the machine with full might, then yells out expletives. Erik Dean, legendary ass kicker turned documentarian, walks into the office with his camera rolling.
Erik: What did that sewing machine ever do to you?
Sara: Uggghhh. Nathan ripped his tights in Salt Lake City.
Erik: Oh damn. What did he do? I watched the match. Must've missed it.
Sara: Nothing in the ring. He tore his taint when he took them off in the locker room.
Erik: That's… graphic. I might not include that in the final cut.
Sara: A lifetime in the business… and he tears his tights like that. And now, while he's at the park with Steph… I'm here trying to figure out his stupid sewing machine. He's the seamstress, not me. Seamstress? Seamster? I don't know anymore.
Erik: It's almost 2020. He can be whatever he wants to be.
Sara: Lately all he wants to be is a good dad… which… don't get me wrong… I love that he's a GREAT dad. While he's off being Dad of the Year… I have this place to keep up with. There's a new class starting tonight and I don't know who any of them are. He has a signup sheet… somewhere. And an itinerary… somewhere. I can't find anything in this dumpster fire of an office of his.
Erik: Sara… relax. I've known him forever, okay. I know how he thinks… which says a lot about my mental stability. How about you go take your frustrations out on your brothers… and I'll look for his binder in this mess.
Sara: That… sounds… perfect.
Erik: What time does class start tonight?
Sara: They should be here between five thirty and six. It's all in the itinerary. He's got a list of day one shit that's a little… intense… for day one.
Erik: Cool, cool. Well, I don't have anywhere to be tonight. If you'd like, I could stick around and work with the young 'nes. Go for a long walk. Go catch a movie. Hell, go catch a nap.
Sara: I think I might do all the above. Thank you so much, Erik. You wouldn't want to take a stab at sewing his tights, would ya?
Erik: That's where I draw the line, kid. Go on. Have a life for a day.
Sara: But first... I'ma beat the crap out of my brothers...
She excidely skips out of the office and toward the ring, where her brothers are sure to regret coming to the gym today...
Part Two // Dozen or So Meatsacks
"Pandemonium 3 is in the history books… and as expected… The Raging Dead is undefeated in Fans Wrestling Federation. FWF made a wise decision putting me in the main event… but they made a poor decision by putting that coward Brandon Moore across the ring from me. He couldn't even stick around to finish the match. From the looks of it, the poor boy shit himself and couldn't handle the embarrassment. What a shitty way to end Pandemonium 3… but the result remains the same."
"One week later… Pandemonium 4… Butte, Montana… poopants Brandon Moore has the opportunity of a lifetime when he enters a battle royal for a spot in the semi finals of the FWF World Championship tournament at Make America Wrestle Again. They call this a Wild Card Rumble… and that's fitting because Brandon Moore is a joker. History will repeat itself next week when Baby Brandon runs away, crying for his mommy. The big, bad zombie man was mean to him… and I'll scare him silly again next week."
"If Brandon Moore is the Joker card… and what card represents the rest of the deck in this rumble? I would be the King and Ace… of course. That leaves eleven others in this match to complete the deck… which will be impossible... because they're all a bunch of ones. Not a single one of them is a Queen… because the only Queen around here is my wife, Sara Pettis. If she were to enter this rumble… I would be concerned. As of right now… they're all lookin' like a bunch of snacks."
"There's a whole swarm of nobodies in this Wild Card Rumble, and not a one of them is worthy of being crowned the first EVER FWF World Champion. How could any of them be qualified to be the face of this company? There is only one true King here in FWF and you're looking at him. I am two wins away from being the face of the company. Who wouldn't want a grizzled monster as the face of a company? Okay… probably most people… but I eat people… so…"
"This Wild Card Rumble is going to fill me up for a few weeks before I am officially part of the FWF World Championship tournament. Make America Wrestle Again? More like Make Raging Dead Eat Again. Ehhhhh… that's not nearly as catchy… but you get the gist of it. Over a dozen snacks will be placed in front of me to feast on. When I am done picking their bones, I will discard them over the top rope until I am full… and declared the winner."
"Undefeated. Undisputed. Undesirable. Uninvited. Unbelievable. Uncanny. Undeniable. Oh… also… undead. If any of you dozen or so meatsacks have any aspirations of making it to National Gingerbread House Day… I strongly advise you to quit sleep in next Wednesday and miss your flight to Bert Mooney Airport. You should definitely avoid any signs of Fans Wrestling Federation next week, because I'm always lurking in the shadows."
Part Three // Lightening Round
Class has finished up for the night, and the fresh batch of trainees exhaustedly make their way to the door… beaten, bruised… but not defeated. As they exit, in walks the man… the myth… the… whatever… it's Nathan, but you know him as The Raging Dead, with his daughter following behind him. He looks confused as he approaches ringside, where Erik is packing up his camera equipment.
Nathan: What's… uhh… going on, bud?
Erik: First day for those kids. They… survived…
Nathan: Oh shit. Today is Thursday?! I completely forgot!
Erik: It's cool, man. I took care of everything.
Nathan: You're a lifesaver. Where's Sara?
Erik: She took the night off. She was a real mess earlier. You have a good day?
Nathan: Yep. Steph and I went to the park… then another park… then did some Christmas shopping. Man… I can't believe I forgot about camp tonight.
Erik: It's fine. You and Sara deserve time away from the ring, as often as possible. This has been your life for almost three decades, and has been hers since birth. It's good to get away. Maybe one day you'll take a real vacation.
Nathan: Oooohhh you know that's not going to happen.
Erik: Why not? Take Steph to Disneyworld. It's so much better than the last time we went.
Nathan: Yeeeeahh… but that was the trip Connor got arrested for fighting Goofy when he "looked at him funny with those big, dumb dog eyes." He got a lifetime ban… and we pretended we didn't know him.
Erik: Goofy held his own, man. He's a real scrapper. Hey, I was about to pack up… but did you want to record anything for ADub or FDub?
Nathan: I've got some time before Black Christmas, but yeah… Pandemonium is coming up pretty quick… and I have a LOT of opponents to research.
Erik: Cool, cool. Are you confident in your knowledge of them all?
Nathan: Yeah, I think I know enough to shoot a bit.
Erik: Well, have a seat and we'll do lightning round shooting.
Nathan sits down on a folding chair and Erik grabs a camera, and is now recording.
Erik: Next Wednesday… Butte Civic Center… Butte, Montana. Fans Wrestling Federation presents Pandemonium 4. You are one of many competitors in the Wild Card Rumble where the winner makes it to the semi-final round of the FWF World Championship tournament. Are you ready to shoot?
Erik: Okay. I'll say a name and you give me as much as you can about each wrestler. Cool?
Erik: Chad Chaos.
Erik: Lexi Havoc.
Erik: B.R. Ellis.
Erik: Erik Gamble.
Erik: Blaze Havoc.
Erik: Charlie Fiegel.
Erik: Michael Byrd.
Erik: Daniel Leslie.
Erik: Lance Mingle.
Erik: Buddy Showtime.
Nathan: Oooohhhh have I got something to say about Buddy!
Erik: Good. Finally.
Nathan: Buddy is a big, dumb oaf. He's all size and no heart. He's from a small, Podunk town called Nowhere, Pennsylvania where nobody important ever even visited. His biggest accomplishment in life is that he went to Japan. I own a time share in Japan. It's right on the water… somewhere. I just don't remember which island. There are too damn many of them. He's got a wrestling school, I guess… so we have something in common. The difference is… he only produces jobbers… while I produce World Champions. He's engaged in a lifelong war with Francisco Muniz IV for some reason. So… yeah… I know a LOT of factual information about Buddy Sunshine.
Erik: Showtime. That's his last name. You said Sunshine.
Nathan: No I didn't.
Erik: Yes you did.
Nathan: No I didn't.
Erik: Yes you did.
Nathan: Showtime. Sunshine. Submarine. Sundae. None of makes a lick of difference. Next Wednesday… Pandemonium 4… he's not going to stop me from officially entering the FWF World Championship tournament. Buddy does not yet realize… like everything else… but when I rage… I rage 25/8!
He pauses for a moment, staring deep into the souls of whomever watches the video once it is sent out to the world wide web. Erik gives him a thumbs up and turns off the camera.
Nathan: Was that okay?
Erik: Not a lot of it was based on fact… so… yeah… it was okay.
Nathan: Cool. We're gonna head out. It's getting late, and apparently it's a school night. Mind locking up?
Erik: I got it. Have a good night, guys.
Nathan: Steph… let's make like a leaf and fall.
Steph: I think it's, "let's make like a tree and leave."
Nathan: Same thing.
Steph: No it's not.
Nathan: Yes it is.
Steph: No it's not.
Nathan: Yes it is.
And this riveting disagreement continues as the scene fades… or whatever...
"I NEED CHEESEBURGERS"
- Kentucky Tarzan