Voice-Over: Professional Wrestling is surging in popularity. It's the biggest it's been since the eighties
Footage of a young Buddy Showtime, with an epic mullet and generic tights, about to get his ass handed to him by Golden Glenn Miller.
V/O: Or perhaps the nineties.
Silent footage of Buddy Showtime, at his peak, with his mullet accentuated by a glorious rockabilly quiff. Long-time Showtime Believers will recocognize that it's from the interview where he introduced the words 'Licking Fleef' into the lexicon.
V/O: Isn't it time you had your shot at the gold?!
Footage of Buddy Showtime pulling "Horseshoe" Harry Slaughter in for his trademarked short-arm clotheline. One pull, a second pull, and then he hits it, the Ol' One-Two-Three!
V/O: Prepare yourself for glory at the Buddy Showtime Conservatory of the Violent Arts.
Buddy Showtime appears, in his trademark tiger print smoking jacket without a shirt underneath. His beer-belly is only slightly visible.
BUDDY: I'm Buddy Showtime, nineties wrestling legend and trainer to the stars.
V/O: Showtime Conservatory Alumni have been Smashing Heads since the turn of the 21st Century.
A flash-forward slideshow of Buddy Showtime's face aging nearly forty years in five seconds from a baby-faced college grad to the man we all know today.
BUDDY: And it's your turn now!
V/O: Buddy Showtime and his students have worked in the United States~
Shot of a mulleted Buddy Showtime mouthing off to a much shorter man in a sequined mask. The footage is too grainy to identify which one.
Shot of Buddy Showtime squaring off against future Lower House Member MOONLIGHT Nishioka but cutting away before the first time Buddy gets kicked in the head.
V/O: And soon to have an on-camera role in the Fans Wrestling Federation!
BUDDY: Tune in next week, there's gonna be a surprise at Pandemonium III!
V/O: The Buddy Showtime Conservatory of Violent Arts, located in Scenic Allentown, Pennsylvania, features all the amentities a top-flight wrestling school needs.
BUDDY: Free weights!
The man is shown curling a barbell with at least 45 pounds on each side.
BUDDY: Two Professional-Style Rings!
Buddy leans in a corner, tracksuit top open all the way, mouthing off as a bunch of rookies run the ropes. The ropes only seem to buckle a little bit on impact.
BUDDY: On-site accommodations at the Buddy Showtime Duplex of Violent Arts are available for an additional weekly fee.
Buddy, back in his smoking Jacket gestures at a two-story clapboard building. A very large man with a shaved head emerges from the basement door.
V/O: Qualified trainers.
The large man speaks.
MAN: I'm Moby Scrote and Buddy Showtime made me the man I am today.
BUDDY: Don't flatter me, I just brought out your potential
V/O: The Buddy Showtime Conservatory of Violent Arts offers discounts to both Moravian College and Lehigh University students.
Shot of Buddy Showtime in a sweater vest and no shirt, flexing his oiled biceps in front of a whiteboard on which is written "FLYING CROSS-BODY."
BUDDY: I'll show you how to beat any rival in the ring...and Student Loans!
V/O: Attractive financing options available. If you quality, you pay nothing for up to nine months.
BUDDY: And unlike the big boys, I'll be getting you in the ring in front of paying customers as soon you're ready.
A man who looks very much like a strip club bouncer appears on screen.
MAN: I went from working the door to working to working matches in just six weeks. Thanks, Buddy Showtime.
CAPTION: Terry the Bouncer. Former IGS Superstar.
V/O: The Buddy Showtime Conservatory of Violent Arts is located in Beautiful, Downtown Allentown Pennsylvania just off Route 78 just south of Allentown Queen City Memorial Airport next to Galaxy Carpet. Call or Reserve Online Today!
BUDDY: You're be glad you did and That's the Showtime Guarantee!
V/O: Guarantee not legally binding. Buddy Showtime is not a licensed personal trainer, fitness coach or therapist. Further limitations apply.
"JESUS SHIT TITS"
- Kentucky Tarzan