There you are, you filthy obese pig, sitting in your mother’s basement before your Windows 2000 PC. You crack your Cheetos cheese covered greasy fingers before grabbing your mouse and opening up Internet Explorer. Even your rolls jiggle in delight as you know in the very near future, Pandemonium will debut, and you are dead set on learning as much as you can about the talent involved so you can become “Super Mark” in time for the show.

As you click through the various Yahoo search results for any and everything related you find an interesting link on page four. As you click it, you are whisked away as fast as Internet Explorer and your 56.6k modem will take you to YouTube.

You wait.

And wait.

Still waiting.

Seriously, your parents can’t get high speed internet?

Finally the link comes up revealing a YouTube video from the account “SuperbDick69.”

You move your mouse up and click the play button, but of course you are using an ancient connection so you are forced to wait while it buffers.

Buffering…

Buffering….

Buffering….

Seriously, this is going to take forever. While you wait, you open up a nearby Manga comic and rub one out to a poorly drawn Japanese schoolgirl.

As the video begins to play, a long shot of the Hollywood sign scrolls across before a fade effect reveals “Superb” Dick Fury standing between to busty blonde women. Both of the women wear mid drift, thin, white shirts that say “I <3 Dick” on them and have legs to the heavens. Dick himself is wearing a pair of tight leather pants, and an open purple Hawaiian shirt revealing his illustrious chest hair. Between his lips the cherry of his Camel cigarette glows.

Dick takes the cigarette out of his mouth and flicks it at the screen before turning to his left and nodding to one of the women. She steps up, turns slightly and grabs the hand of the other woman, almost directing her to walk out of the frame. Once alone, Dick smirks at the camera.

“You see that YouTube, ladies love Dick so much that when they're told it’s time to bounce, they bounce for Dick.”

He pulls another smoke from behind his ear, and a matchbook from his pocket. After lighting the cigarette he tosses the now empty matchbook. He takes a drag, enjoying the smoke filling his lungs before taking the square between his fingers and pointing toward the screen.

“Dick ain’t here though to talk about how much the ladies love Dick. No baby, Dick Fury is here to address the upcoming Fans Wrestling Federation premier episode of Pandemonium, staring your's truly.”

He takes a long drag before continuing.

“After being misused and abused by clueless promoters of Fisher Price promotions for so long that just happened to have the money to afford him, Dick is finally free and clear of contract obligations to bust on the scene and help kick start the next big thing.”

He laughs.

"You know why, right? It's because when the guys behind the FWF went out and found Dick, they knew they was getting top quality Dick. They knew letting Dick just be Dick, he would come hard and fast, dominating the competition."

A smirk comes across his face.

"They knew that by bringing in Dick Fury, a legitimacy was being establish day one in the Fans Wrestling Federation!"

His right hand moves through his hair.

"Get ready to be served up a big, healthy handful of Dick every week cause Dick is in the Fans Wrestling Federation now for the long haul. It's his home, and he's here to get comfortable."

Dick takes another drag of his smoke.

“You see Dick, well he has been molded by some of the biggest names in the industry. Dick knows you pick a place and you stick with it, you get noticed, then you make those big bucks baby. It don’t matter how many places you pick up wins or championships from if your efforts are all in vein.”

He flicks his cigarette at the screen.

“That ain’t here or there though baby, no. Dick saw a TMZ video today that one of his ladies showed him of some of the other signed talent talking about how by adding Dick to the FWF, that everyone is laughing. Oh no playboy, you got it all wrong. There ain’t nothing to laugh about when Dick come sin hard at you.”

Putting his fingers through his hair, he moves his hand backward.

“Nah, Dick’s been in Hollywood getting ready for this moment. It may have been a while since Dick was in a ring, but it ain’t nowhere near his first rodeo, not at all. You ready for a little history lesson? You need to have your facts right when you’re running out the side of your mouth.”

Fury bends down. As he comes back up he has a bottle of baby oil in his hand. He takes a moment to pour some of the oil in his hand then sits the bottle back down. As he comes back up, Dick begins to rub the oil through his coarse chest hair. Continuing to oil his chest, with a serious look on his face he resumes speaking.

“Dick Fury ain’t no greenhorn. Trained by Dick’s cousin, multiple time World Champion Matt “The Hitman” Fury, Dick trained hard until Matt died. Yea, that should have been the end of Dick, but he continued to push through training under Johnny Legend.”

He spends an extra long time rubbing the baby oil around his nipples, not once batting an eye at how uncomfortable this has to be making the viewer.

“See, Dick’s been preparing for a long time. Up until now, nothing has mattered. Not any of the matches Dick has been in, not any of the people he has faced. Nah, Dick used that to get ready for now. It’s Dick’s time, and the Fans Wrestling Federation is where the clock starts ticking baby, yea!”

He chest shines, oil dripping from the clumped up chest hair as he tosses the baby oil bottle from view. Fury then steps forward, looking deeper into the screen.

“You doubters, you really think you’re somebody don’t cha? You think because you also signed a contract with the FWF, that you are something special. Nah playboy, you’re delusional.”

He laughs.

“When Pandemonium comes and you get into that ring, shit… you’ll see that people follow truly great wrestlers man. They know who has the legitimate pedigree. They will worship Dick.”

Using his thumb and pointer finger from his left hand, Fury starts in the middle of his mustache and traces it coming down to his chin. His entire demeanor just screams sleazy.

“You see… The men love Dick, and the ladies… well, the ladies crave more Dick. Even the kids smile when Dick is around. How could you not?”

He throws his arms out, and his head back. A look of pure ecstasy comes over his face. As he continues, he raises his voice, almost yelling in a proud manor.

“Don’t worry wrestling fans, you can all bask in the amazing, the ‘Superb’ Dick Fury in the FWF soon!!”

He drops his arms, tilting his head back down and looking directly into the screen, piercing your eyes.

“To his future FWF opponents, don’t worry, Dick will be gentle, it is a promise that it will only hurt for a moment. You can take this to the bank, when it is all said and done, you will never be the same again.“

One more step closer, Fury is not right on the screen.

“You’ll be a different man when the match is over after you and Dick go at it. You will always wonder what would your life had been like if you had never had to go face to face with Dick Fury. Your body will be sore; you will not be able to walk right for weeks. The beating you will take will rival that of when America finally comes to it’s senses and storms across the northern border and take the land that should be rightfully ours.”

He winks.

“See you soon.”

Dick Fury kisses the screen and the feed ends. You are left in awe of what you have just witnessed. A piece of you feel like your uncle has touched you inappropriately.

Unable to process it all, you reach up and turn your monitor off. Inside you almost feel bad for whoever the poor, unfortunate bastard who has to actually interact with this.. this.. whatever he is.

You shudder, and begin to wonder if it is even worth being a professional wrestling fan. You wonder if other FWF talent will see this, and if so how they will feel when they face Dick Fury.

Disgust comes over you as you think of this cocky, potentially homoerotic, freak. What was the powers that be behind the FWF thinking?

Things will truly never be the same again.

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