We cut to a two shot of Wolf and Ace, who have now stripped out of their coats in an effort to escape the heat. They still drip with sweat, and for a moment Wolf loosens his tie and wrings it out. He smiles meekly. His yellowed, aged teeth glow under the buzzing lights of the gymnasium, and around the graying temples pools of sweat gather.
Wolf: Well it’s finally time ladies and gentlemen—time for our main event of the evening! We’ve got tag team action coming to you next with two of the top tag teams in The Row in Cash Money and Fracture.
Wolf turns to Ace, in an effort to make eye contact and appear he actually gives a shit about what Ace has to say.
Ace: Fracture has quietly been winning match after match since joining the Row, having beaten many now defunct tag teams. I do believe Schism has even won on his own in singles action here in The Row—these guys are just winners, Wolf, it’s what they do.
Wolf turns back to face the camera: the whole reason we are here.
Wolf: And they come in tonight folks, against Cash Money, a team which has not been beaten yet either. At Lethal Injection IX we saw Cash Money unveil their own tag team belts, and have taken to calling themselves the champions. . . The Row does not recognize the title however, and these two seem to be champions in their own world and no one else’s. Which reminds me. . . where’s your belt Ace?
Ace feigns innocence.
Wolf: Were you not the man who said he was going to follow suit with Cash Money and make his own belt--his own belt claiming yourself the Commentating Champion?
Ace: No, that wasn’t me.
Ace shakes his head emphatically, much like a child would when asked if they were the one who shit on the dining room table. Who else would have done it? Exactly.
Wolf: Well as Ace feigns innocence, let us take a moment to remind you that Lethal Injection X is brought to you by Annabell’s Anal Cream—smooth, creamy, and with the scent of springtime. . . Made with the finest all natural ingredients to ensure your cornhole stays hormone free. . .That’s Annabell’s Anal Cream at annabellanalcream.com. . .
‘It Gets Me Through’ by Ozzy Osbourne begins to play through the gymnasium over the stolen stereo system.
Wolf: You know what gets Cash Money through, right?
Wolf: That’s right. . . or is it money?
The fans let out a mild boo broken through by the sound of one woman coughing quite profusely.
Ace: Jesus Christ I think that woman is dying!
Wolf: I hope not!
Horace unchains the double doors, first unlocking the padlock. The double doors swing open, and Shane Jackson appears in the doorway without his business suit—he wears his wrestling gear and over his shoulder is one half of the Cash Money belts. He looks around at the crowd and then Jason Cruz appears next to him in the other half of the doorway wearing only his wrestling gear and the other half of the Cash Money belts.
Wolf: Well there they are with those ridiculous belts again. Those things may as well be made of cardboard! They aren’t sanctioned by The Row!
Ace: I think you’re just jealous Wolf. I think you’d like to have a fancy title yourself. All these years sitting here watching other people reach glory—now you want it for yourself.
Wolf: You know what I think? I think you’re wearing my patience thin.
Shane Jackson and Jason Cruz slowly walk their way onto the court, looking around coldly at the fans, as if at any moment they are about to burst violently into anger. They step out onto the court and immediately the doors behind them are closed by Horace, and he stands by the doors, his arms folded over his chest. Cash Money make their way to the ring and climb up the steps, Shane Jackson followed by Jason Cruz. They take cool calculated steps onto the apron and step through the top and middle rope into the ring.
Wolf: These bastards are so vain they’ve given themselves their own tag team titles. I just can’t believe it. If I were Fracture I’d strip them of those belts.
Ace: You seem to think Fracture is actually going to win this thing Wolf.
Wolf: It’s a possibility. Anything is possible in the wrestling business.
Shane Jackson and Jason Cruz make their way to the center of the ring and stand next to one another. They turn to look at one another once before turning to the crowd and simultaneously raising their Cash Money Belts.
Wolf: Well there they are folks. Titles that don’t mean anything.
Ace: If anything they represent wealth. Cash Money has got the bread and those things look nice. The shine on them is incredible.
They lower their belts and then make their way over to the ring ropes handing their belts over to the drunk ring hand, who takes them and promptly stumbles over to the ground.
Wolf: Cash Money in the ring now, and our ring hand seems to have no sense of balance. Thank God he’s not in there wrestling tonight.
Ace: We aren’t that strapped for talent. . . yet.
Horace turns and opens the double doors as Escape The Fate – There’s No Sympathy For The Dead begins to play through the gymnasium, and before the fans can even really take in the music, Rupture and Schism appear in the double doorway already in a sprint. They clear the door and Horace quickly slams the door behind them, taking a chain and running it through the two push bars and locking it, creating a seal.
Wolf: Horace locks us in nice and safe and here they come. High energy and high speed.
Ace: Rupture and Schism, collectively know as Fracture!
Rupture and Schism charge through the court and the fans, rushing the ring. Schism jumps into the ring over the bottom rope and rolls to his feet as Rupture slides in and runs the ropes a couple of times. Rupture then jumps to the center of the middle rope as Schism heads to the corner and poses. Schism then backflips out of the corner off of the top rope into the middle ring. Rupture jumps down from the middle ropes and the two men immediately meet Cash Money in the center of the ring.
Wolf: What an entrance as always by Fracture. These guys are not wasting any time!
Ace: Cash Money face to face with Fracture! Show em who the real champs are!
Wolf: Who are the real champs? That belt is a phony!
Charlene climbs into the ring, swinging under the bottom rope, her skirt rising to expose her panties. A man in the crowd whistles. In the ring, she pulls down her skirt and makes her way to the center of the ring, where Cash Money and Fracture are exchanging words.
Charlene: Ladies and gentlemens. . .
Ace: Shhh you’re ruining it!
Charlene: This is your main event!
The crowd lets out a mild pop and Charlene smiles wide, exposing her broken grin with its missing teeth.
Charlene: The following match is sched-u-led for um. . . one fall and has a forty minute time limit. . . Introducing first, the team of Shane Jackson and umm. . . Jason Cruz. . . from Ft. Wayne, Indiana, weighing in at a combined weight of ummm. . . five hundred and thirty pounds. . . CASH MOOOONNEEYYY!
Cash Money takes a moment to raise their arms for the crowd. A few boos rain out through the gymnasium but Cash Money ignores them, looking at their opponents for the evening, Fracture.
Wolf: Not much love for Cash Money here in San Jose.
Ace: These people are elitist, they should be all for Cash Money. These guys are rich!
Charlene: And their um. . . opponents. . . the team of Rupture and Schism. . . from um. . . Albuquerque, New Mexico . . . um. . . weighing in at three hundred and eighty-four pounds. . . FRACTUREEE!
The crowd lets out a mild pop as Fracture takes a moment to salute the crowd.
Wolf: Well we’re about underway, who do you like in this one, Ace?
Ace: To be honest, this one could go either way. But I’m gonna have to go with the winner. Whoever gets the final pin or submission will win this match.
Wolf: How brave of you. . .
Frank Knox talks to the two teams, going over the rules and then steps back and reaches up into the air, signaling for the bell. The bell rings.
Wolf: Here we go folks, this one is under way!
Cash Money and Fracture exchange words for a bit, each member of each team standing opposite of the other, talking slowly, but with emphasis. Suddenly Shane Jackson and Jason Cruz grab Rupture and Schism respectively and toss them into the ropes. Rupture and Schism hit the ropes simultaneously and come back, and hop over Shane Jackson and Jason Cruz, who have hit the mat, lying flat on their bellies.
Wolf: Rupture and Schism off the ropes!
Rupture and Schism hit the ropes and as they return Jason Cruz and Shane Jackson get to their feet and bend over for a dual back body drop.
Wolf: Back body drop from Jason Cruz and Shane Jackson—no! Rupture and Schism leap frog it!
Rupture and Schism simultaneously leap frog Jason Cruz and Shane Jackson and then head toward the ropes. They come off the ropes and each hit Jason Cruz and Shane Jackson with dual drop kicks.
Wolf: Rupture and Schism each with a drop kick on Jason Cruz and Shane Jackson and Cash Money is down!
Ace: Listen to these fans!
The crowd pops as Cash Money rolls out of the ring and Fracture gets to their feet and raises their arms.
Wolf: Cash Money out of the ring now, trying to get a breather! I don’t think that’s exactly what they had in mind.
Ace: Now they’ve got to regroup and think this one over, so we can get this damn match started proper.
Shane Jackson and Jason Cruz sell the drop kicks and turn to talk to one another as Rupture and Schism celebrate in the ring. Frank Knox leans over the top rope to inform Cash Money to get the hell in the ring. Jason Cruz turns to Shane and points to himself before sliding into the ring.
Wolf: I think Jason Cruz will be starting this one off!
Ace: And it looks like Rupture is going to the apron. Schism vs. Jason Cruz coming up here!
Shane Jackson climbs up the steel steps and waits on the apron in a neutral corner. Jason Cruz makes his way to the center of the ring, where Schism waits for him. Rupture waits in the other neutral corner.
Wolf: Alright, here we go folks.
Ace: Let’s do this Cash Money!
Schism and Jason Cruz circle one another around the center of the ring, their fists raised to the sides of their heads. They feel one another out, bobbing and moving to see if their opponent favors one side or the other. Jason Cruz takes a few steps forward but Schism quickly moves and Jason Cruz steps back and switches feet, and they resume circling around one another in the other direction.
Wolf: Both men sizing one another up.
Ace: Jason Cruz doesn’t want to let Shane Jackson down right now; he looks up to Shane Jackson. . In fact I think Jason Cruz’s whole reason for being is Shane Jackson and proving that he was worth being saved by Mr. Jackson. It is kind of sad really.
Wolf: A little creepy too, Ace.
Ace: Yeah, a tad creepy. Not it puts the lotion on its skin creepy, but almost.
Schism and Jason Cruz then go for the lock up but Jason Cruz rolls through, passing Schism on his left side. Schism then turns around and Jason Cruz catches Schism’s free arm and drags him over his shoulder to the mat.
Wolf: Arm drag by Jason Cruz—Cash Money with the early advantage here.
Schism gets up quickly and Jason Cruz side steps him, pushing him on the back as he passes.
Wolf: Schism is up now and he’s got momentum. . .
Schism heads toward the ropes and before he reaches them he leaps up into the air and catches the middle rope with his feet, using it to stop his momentum before Schism uses his leg strength to propel himself off the rope backward. Schism turns mid-air and catches Jason Cruz with the body splash sending Jason Cruz to the mat and producing a mild applause from the crowd.
Wolf: Spring board body splash by Schism! Jason Cruz never saw that one coming.
Ace: Shane Jackson is disappointed in you Jason! You’ve got to do better than that, or Cash Money just might become just plain old Cash. . . or Money. . . depending whichever one is supposed to represent Shane.
Wolf: How could they represent each member? Cash and Money are the same damn thing!
Jason Cruz gets to his feet quickly, turning so that he may face Schism at all times, should he suddenly decide to charge him. Schism gets to his feet just as quickly, facing Jason Cruz with his arms slightly raised and extended out in front of him.
Wolf: Both men sizing one another up again, looking for that perfect opportunity to strike. What do you think is going through these guys’ minds, Ace?
Ace: A whole lot of things. Mostly wrestling related. When sizing a guy up you take into account the obvious things, like if he weighs more than you, if he’s got a noticeable limp, if he’s got an arm shorter than the other. Things like that.
Jason Cruz and Schism circle around the ring before colliding in the center of the ring with a lock up. Jason Cruz quickly gets the upper hand, getting Schism in a side headlock. Jason Cruz smiles and looks around at the sweating crowd and wrenches the side headlock. Schism then pushes Jason Cruz up against the ropes and then tosses him off toward the ropes on the other side of the ring
Wolf: Schism out of the side headlock, and Jason Cruz of Cash Money into the ropes now.
Jason Cruz hits the ropes on the other side of the ring and as he returns he goes for a short arm clothesline.
Wolf: Clothesline by Jason Cruz—NO!
Schism ducks, and as he ducks he grabs Jason Cruz’s arm and swings himself around Jason’s back and over his shoulder, hooking Jason Cruz’s head in his arm as he passes and driving him down face first down to the mat with him, all in one motion.
Wolf: Float-over DDT by Schism! What a beautiful reversal by Schism there!
Ace: I’m tellin yah, Cash Money may have those fancy belts they made, but they’re being out classed here tonight—something I’m sure they’re not used to!
Schism rolls expertly to his feet while Jason Cruz sells the DDT on the mat, grabbing his head. Frank Knox checks on him. The crowd lets out a mild pop for Schism.
Wolf: Schism is just out wrestling Jason Cruz right now—he’s come out on top of nearly every exchange so far.
Ace: I don’t know what Cash Money are going to have to do to when this match. Fracture seems on point tonight—as always. . . They should have used some of their money to get Fracture to take the fall.
Schism bows slightly to the crowd for a moment, as Jason Cruz slowly gets to his feet. He appears to be getting angrier and angrier every time Schism outfoxes him. Jason Cruz charges Schism and swings with a right, Schism ducks it. Jason Cruz throws a left, Schism ducks it.
Wolf: Jason Cruz swinging wildly—I think frustration is starting to take hold.
Ace: Damn straight, and Jason Cruz is wasting precious energy with those missed blows. Schism is making him look bad and tiring him out at the same time!
Schism then throws a kick to Jason Cruz’s gut, but Cruz catches his boot and spins Schism around, but as he does he finds Schism’s other foot headed toward his head. The kick hits Jason Cruz square in the head, knocking him clean to the mat.
Wolf: Spinning heel kick by Schism!
Ace: Poor Cruz—he thought he had Schism there.
Schism then drops to the mat and goes for the quick cover. Frank Knox hits the mat and goes for the count.
Wolf: We’ve got a pin here! 1. . .2-no. Jason Cruz kicks out.
Ace: I believed in you all along Jason! You can do this!
Jason Cruz kicks out quickly after two, and gets up quickly with his fists raised, his face one of annoyance. Schism raises his arms up and practically shrugs, a smug smile hidden under his luchadore mask. Shane Jackson can be seen yelling at Jason Cruz, and Jason turns his head to listen to him.
Wolf: Schism just getting warmed up here, and it seems as if Shane Jackson has some directions for Jason Cruz.
Cruz looks from Shane Jackson to Schism and he points to each of them. Shane Jackson and nods his head yes and extends his hand for the tag. Shane Jackson tags himself in an enters the ring, rubbing his hands in anticipation.
Wolf: Well Shane Jackson is in now.
Ace: I know you couldn’t do this Jason! Go get em Shane! Show em what having cash and money is all about! With money comes power. . .
Wolf: And with power comes great responsibility. . .
Ace: What? I haven’t heard that one.
Schism starts to circle around the ring but Shane Jackson extends his hand and wags his finger at Schism and then points to Rupture.
Wolf: Oh-ho! Shane Jackson says no Schism, I want me a piece of Rupture!
Ace: Break me off a piece of that! How gay are we trying to sound?
Schism stops, looks around at the crowd for support and then walks toward the neutral corner, keeping a wary eye on Shane Jackson. As he reaches the corner he extends his arm and Rupture leans over the top rope and tags himself in. Schism exits the ring and Fracture hops in, looking fresh and well prepared.
Wolf: Well here we go, as Jason Cruz recovers on the apron and Schism gets himself a breather, its Rupture and Schism squaring off now.
Ace: It’s all about matchups now. Shane Jackson wants Rupture, perhaps he feels he’s got some sort of advantage over him.
Wolf: Cash Money weighs more, regardless. . . But you may be right Ace.
Shane Jackson and Rupture circle around one another before quickly locking up in the center of the ring. Rupture quickly drops down and hooks a leg around Shane Jackson slamming him backward to the mat. Rupture then reaches down and gets Shane Jackson in a wrist lock.
Wolf: We’ve got your standard wrist lock applied here to a fallen Shane Jackson.
Shane Jackson sells the wrist and Frank Knox gets down on his knees to check with him. Shane Jackson shakes his head in negation and stretches his free hand out toward the ropes, his legs kicking.
Wolf: Frank Knox checking with Shane Jackson and he doesn’t want to quit. Not yet anyway.
Ace: Yeah what’s wrong with you Frank? What do you think Shane Jackson is a pussy? This match just started!
Shane Jackson gets to his feet but Rupture keeps the hold on the wrist and brings it up over his head, wrenching the arm once more. Shane Jackson sells the wrist lock but then quickly turns, toward Rupture, breaking the wrist lock, and as he turns he grabs Rupture by the wrist and brings his arm over his head, wrenching the arm.
Wolf: Shane Jackson taking control now after breaking free from the wrist lock.
Ace: The dreaded wrist lock match!
Rupture sells the wrist lock, but then reaches up, turns, passing Shane Jacksons arm over his head. Rupture then uses his other arm to grab Shane Jackson around the wrist, and with his grip firm on his wrist he bends it back behind Shane Jackson’s back.
Wolf: Both competitors showing some of their expertise here in these exchanges. . . Rupture applying the hammerlock now to Shane Jackson of Cash Money.
Ace: Flash some cash, save your ass!
Shane Jackson sells the hammerlock before reaching up over his shoulder with his other hand and grabbing Rupture by the head. Shane then drops to the mat, in the seated position, forcing Rupture’s jaw into his shoulder.
Wolf: Oh my! What a jawbreaker by Shane Jackson! Wonderful reversal there by Shane Jackson.
Ace: Watch your tongue their Rupture!
Rupture staggers back from the jawbreaker, selling. He hits the ropes and Shane Jackson gets to his feet and charges him. Rupture bends down at the waist and as Shane Jackson reaches him he lifts him up over his head.
Wolf: Rupture back body drops Shane Jackson out of the—no! Shane Jackson had landed on the apron outside the ropes. . . but I don’t think Rupture knows it!
Ace: I think you’re right. . . look out!
Rupture steps out into the center of the ring, thinking Shane Jackson has fallen to the court outside of the ring. Shane Jackson stands on the apron however, waiting for Rupture to turn around.
Wolf: Shane Jackson waiting for just the right moment now. . .
Ace: Boo-hoo. . . hey Ruptureeeee. . .
Rupture turns around and Shane Jackson grabs the top rope and pulls upward while hopping, landing feet first on the tope rope. He then jumps off and flips over Rupture whilst hooking his head, bringing Rupture down to the mat with him.
Wolf: What a neckbreaker by Shane Jackson! Did you see that! He just used the top rope to propel himself over Rupture and managed to hook the head!
Ace: Yeah I saw Wolf. . . I saw. . . It was an impressive move. I get it.
Shane Jackson scrambles over toward Rupture and goes for the pin, Frank Knox dropping to the mat to make the pin.
Wolf: We’ve got a pin attempt by Shane Jackson! 1. . . 2—NO. Rupture kicks out after the two.
Ace: Hey may want to make the tag—he may not. He knows himself better than I do.
Rupture kicks out after the two and Shane Jackson wastes no time in getting to his feet and bringing Rupture to his feet. Shane Jackson reaches back and hits Rupture in the face with a right, Rupture sells the blow. Shane Jackson reaches back with a left and hits Rupture in the face, Rupture sells the blow.
Wolf: Shane Jackson with a left right combination to Rupture now. . .
Shane Jackson then grabs Rupture’s arm and bends twists it up in the air and then bends it at the elbow behind Rupture’s own back. Rupture sells for a moment before Shane Jackson grabs Rupture by the head, hooking him under the arm. Shane Jackson then tries to lift Rupture in the air, but Rupture blocks it by raising his leg.
Wolf: Shane Jackson going for the suplex I think, but Rupture has so far been able to successfully block it.
Ace: Well Rupture is a second generation wrestler. He knows his way around the ring. He knows how to slip out of holds and how to use his own weight to his advantage. . . but does he have as much money as Shane Jackson? NO!
Shane Jackson tries to like Rupture again, but Rupture blocks it once more, and then hooks one of Shane Jackson’s legs and uses his body strength to lift Shane Jackson up and over, to the mat.
Wolf: Belly to Belly Cradle Suplex by Rupture!
Ace: What a move that is! (Generic Shivoni!)
The crowd pops. Both men are slow to get up, Shane Jackson getting up first to one knee, then the other, then to his feet, Rupture using the ropes to help himself upward. Shane Jackson gets to his feet first, followed quickly by Rupture. Shane Jackson charges Rupture and Rupture goes for the lock up but Shane Jackson baseball slides through his legs and quickly gets to his feet, hooking Rupture around the abdomen.
Wolf: Lock up—no, Shane Jackson with the baseball slide. He’s quick Ace, he’s quick!
Ace: Everyone seems quick to you, you’re the slowest man on the planet! Turtles can beat you in a foot race!
Wolf: Hey now that one isn’t even funny!
Rupture takes several steps forward and grabs the top rope, hooking it with his arms and propelling himself backward, knocking Shane Jackson back. Shane Jackson rolls backward and the charges Rupture, jumps up into the air and then hits Rupture square in the chest with both feet knocking him down to the court.
Wolf: Oh my! Drop kick by Shane Jackson and Rupture has fallen all the way out of the ring.
Ace: Things are about to get interesting, Wolf.
Shane Jackson turns toward the center of the ring and shouts CASH MONEY before charging the ropes. He hits the ropes and returns toward the next set of ropes, and as he does he jumps up in the air over the top rope and lands on Rupture outside of the ring.
Wolf: Body Splash by Shane Jackson! Talk about high risk! If Rupture isn’t there he lands smack on the court!
Ace: Shane Jackson doesn’t have to worry about bodily injury like the rest of us. He’s got the dough to pay for new organs if necessary!
Wolf: And listen to these fans!
The crowd pops at the dangerous bump. Shane Jackson and Rupture sell the body splash, crumpled together in a mass of arms and legs outside of the ring. Frank Knox comes to the ropes to check on the competitors.
Wolf: Frank Knox checking on both competitors now. I think just to see if they’re still alive.
Ace: We’ll he’s gonna have a lot on his plate now. He’s got to watch Shane and Rupture and Jason Cruz and Schism! He aint got eyes on the back of his head.
Jason Cruz hops the ropes and charges his way into the ring and over toward Schism on the apron. Jason Cruz and Schism exchange blows while Frank Knox stands between the two fighting teams, looking back and forth.
Wolf: Frank seems a little flustered here. . .
Ace: I told yah! Did I tell you or did I tell you?
Wolf: Looks like Frank is going to try and restore order.
Frank decides to break up Jason Cruz and Schism, while Shane Jackson and Rupture slowly get to their feet. Shane Jackson gets to his feet first and starts laying down forearm shots to the back of Rupture before he’s able to stand completely up.
Wolf: Shane Jackson to his feet first, and he’s hammering down on Rupture now.
Shane Jackson grabs Rupture by the arm and Irish whips him into the steel steps but Rupture jumps over them. Rupture then turns around and runs toward Shane Jackson and uses the steel steps as a platform, stepping up onto them and then quickly jumping off, flipping backward in the air before landing on a charging Shane Jackson.
Wolf: What a move by Rupture! The athleticism Ace! These guys are top notch.
Ace: Rupture with the backflip mid air onto Shane Jackson, and these scumbag fans are loving it.
The crowd pops once more, one of the loudest pops of the night, as Shane Jackson and Rupture fall together to the mat. Meanwhile in the ring Frank Knox pulls Jason Cruz from Schism and directs him to his neutral corner.
Wolf: Frank Knox finally able to separate Jason Cruz and Schism.
Ace: Both these teams are fighting for the bragging rights. For the ability to say they are the best tag team in The Row, and it’s showing here tonight.
Wolf: That’s right, Ace. And what a wonderful main event we’ve put on for you so far.
Outside the ring Rupture slowly gets to his feet, breathing heavily. He bends down and grabs a head full of Shane Jackson’s hair and pulls him up to his feet. Rupture then tosses Shane Jackson into the ring and then climbs up to the apron, placing his knee down first and then grabbing the middle rope to pull himself up to his feet.
Wolf: Shane Jackson in the ring now, and wait—what’s Rupture doing?
Ace: He’s waiting for an opportunity to attack! He’s got something in mind here, Wolf. He’s a thinking man’s wrestler!
Rupture waits on the apron outside of the ring as Shane Jackson makes slow work of getting to his feet. Rupture waits patiently, as Shane Jackson slowly staggers to his feet, sucking air. Rupture then grabs hold of the top rope, bends backward to get a good jump and then springs up to the top rope before jumping off. He hooks his legs around Shane Jackson’s head and Shane Jackson grabs his legs and slams him down to the mat.
Wolf: Hurican—no! Sitdown powerbomb by Shane Jackson! What a reversal!
Ace: What a reversal? What a match! You can’t get action like this anyone else, ladies and gentlemen. Be sure to remember that!
Wolf: That’s folks—The Row, striving to bring you the dirtiest, filthiest, hard hitting action each and every episode.
Ace: We don’t call it Lethal Injection for nothing!
Shane Jackson slumps to the mat after the power bomb, having used up the remainder of his apparent energy, and Rupture sells the sitdown powerbomb. The fans buzz after the reversal, even if it was Shane Jackson who brought Rupture to the mat. Frank Knox checks on both competitors and then steps back into the center of the ring so that he may be better seen. He then starts making the count. 1. . . 2. . . 3. . . 4. . .
Wolf: Frank Knox making the count as both men are down now.
Ace: This match is taking its toll on both tag teams. After this they’ll be able to say they are the best team, and no one will be able to say anything about it.
Wolf: That’s right, both teams looking to keep their undefeated streaks alive.
5. . . Rupture slowly turns over on his belly, crawling toward and outstretched Schism in the corner. 6. . . Shane Jackson stumbles over toward the ropes, and clings to the middle rope. 7. . . . Rupture gets to one knee, drawing closer to Schism. 8. . . . Shane Jackson pulls himself up to the middle rope. 9. . . . Rupture dives toward Schism, tagging him in, as Shane Jackson abandons the rope to dive toward Jason Cruz, tagging him in. The fans buzz in anticipation
Wolf: We’ve got a tag! We’ve got a tag! And Jason Cruz and Schism are in the ring now. Jason Cruz charges. . .
Jason Cruz charges Schism and Schism raises an elbow, knocking him clean to the mat. Schism throws his arms up telling Jason to get up and quickly Jason turns and gets to his feet. He charges Schism once more and Schism hits him with yet another elbow knocking him clean to the mat.
Wolf: Series of elbows from Schism and Jason Cruz is once again on the mat!
Schism taunts Jason Cruz once more and Jason Cruz gets up, fuming. Jason screams before charging Schism and Schism holds his ground. As Jason reaches him Schism hops up into the air, hooking his legs around his head and swinging around, the momentum bringing Jason Cruz clean to the mat.
Wolf: Huricanrana by Schism, and Jason Cruz is down! And listen to these fans! I think Fracture has finally woken these people up!
Ace: I love it Wolf. . . . this is what wrestling is all about!
Schism taunts the crowd for a moment as Jason Cruz sells the huricanrana before making his way over to Jason Cruz and bringing him to his feet. Schism then Irish whips Jason Cruz into the corner of the ring. Jason Cruz collides with the turnbuckle in the corner.
Wolf: Irish whip by Schism. Jason Cruz into the corner. Schism on the run now.
Schism charges Jason Cruz and as he reaches him steps up onto one of Cruz’s bent knee’s to prop himself up and then throws a kick with his free leg aimed at Jason Cruz’s head. The kick knocks knocking Jason Cruz’s head forward violently.
Wolf: Shining Wizard by Schism! He just used Jason’s own knee to lift himself up for the kick to the face!
Ace: Yes, that would be what a shining wizard is, Wolf. An impressive move—Rupture reaching deep into his wrestling repertoire.
Wolf: Pulling out all the stops tonight, Ace!
Jason Cruz staggers out of the corner and Schism follows behind him, going into a slight trot and hooking his head under his arm and bringing his face to the mat as he falls.
Wolf: Schism leads the shining wizard into a beautiful bulldog. What a combination of moves there! The fans are loving it!
Ace: Almost as much as you love prunes for their aid in digestion.
The crowd lets out a slight Pop as Schism gets to his feet and stomps the fallen Jason Cruz once, twice, before bending down and getting him in a side headlock.
Wolf: Schism with the side headlock on Jason Cruz now. Wrenching in the grip. This may be the end of Jason Cruz.
Ace: Hopefully once and for all.
Schism wrenches the head and Jason Cruz sells the headlock, wincing in pain. Frank Knox bends down to check on Jason Cruz but Jason shakes his head now, his arms outstretched in an effort to reach the ropes. Jason Cruz then pulls his legs under him and slowly gets to his feet, Schism keeping the hold.
Wolf: No! Jason Cruz is getting to his feet! He’s fighting out of this one!
Jason Cruz gets to his feet and then elbows Schism in the gut, once, twice, three times before the hold is broken. Jason Cruz then takes flight, charging the ropes. Jason Cruz turns, his back hitting the ropes and as he returns Schism spins for a heel kick.
Wolf: Heel kick by Schism—NO!
Jason Cruz ducks the spinning heel kick and hits the ropes on the other side of the ring. As he returns he leaps up in the air and hits Schism across the face/mask with a forearm, knocking him clean to the mat.
Wolf: Flying forearm by Jason Cruz! Schism has hit the mat and he is down!
Jason Cruz gets to his feet and takes a moment to yell CASH MONEY, but he’s so tired it comes out CASH. . . . . . . MO. . . . NEY! Jason then grabs Schism by the mask and pulls him to his feet and Irish whips him into the Cash Money neutral corner.
Wolf: Jason Cruz with the Irish Whip into the Cash Money corner. Look out Schism, Shane Jackson is waiting for you!
Ace: We could see some real tag team action here from Cash Money!
Schism heads toward the corner but redirects himself and clotheslines Shane Jackson standing there at the corner on the apron, knocking him out of the ring. Jason Cruz charges Schism from behind but Schism turns and lowers himself, catching Jason Cruz low. Schism then raises up, knocking Jason Cruz out of the ring and into Shane Jackson.
Wolf: Oh my God! Schism just back body dropped Jason Cruz out of the ring into his own team mate, Shane Jackson!
Ace: The last time money like that clashed Bobby Brown stole Whitney’s coke!
Ace: What? Too soon?
The crowd pops and Schism raises his arms up in celebration for a moment before charging the ropes on the opposite side of the ring. Schism hits the ropes, with speed and as he returns he leaps up over the top rope and comes down on the standing Shane Jackson and Jason Cruz with a leg lariat. The crowd pops as the combatants spill out over the court.
Wolf: Schism out of the ring now! He dove over the top rope with a leg lariat! Shane Jackson, Jason Cruz, and Schism are all down and out of the ring!
Ace: This ring cannot contain these tag teams! It’s as simple as that, Wolf.
Wolf: And listen to these fans! We just may have made a few tonight!
The crowd starts up a DRW chant that actually sustains itself for more than five seconds. Jason Cruz, Shane Jackson and Schism are slow to get up outside of the ring. Rupture jumps into the ring and then rushes to the nearest corner and pulls himself up to the top. He perches there, waiting.
Wolf: Rupture perched up there on the top of the ring! No! Not more high risk here! Think about your career!
Ace: Fuck it! We want blood!
Schism rolls out of the way as Shane Jackson and Jason Cruz slowly get to their feet. Rupture perched on the top rope flings himself off, and a few camera flashes actually go off in the crowd from fans. Rupture catches Shane Jackson and Jason Cruz, knocking them both down to the court once again. The crowd pops.
Wolf: And Rupture with the body splash now to the outside of the ring! Cash Money looking like a couple of crash test dummies here tonight, Ace.
Schism slowly gets to his feet and checks on Rupture, who is slow to get up. Schism extends a hand and Rupture grabs it, and Schism pulls backward, bringing him to his feet. Rupture stumbles a bit, selling the body splash but then raises an arm to the adoration of the crowd. Meanwhile, Shane Jackson and Jason Cruz sell on the outside.
Wolf: Schism helping his buddy up there. . . but who’s gonna help Cash Money?
Ace: Nobody! But I’ll do it for a hundred bucks. That’s nothing to them anyway.
Wolf: Don’t you do it Ace!
Schism grabs Jason Cruz by the hair as Rupture grabs Shane Jackson in much the same manner, and the two toss Jason Cruz and Shane Jackson into the ring. Schism and Rupture roll in after them.
Wolf: We’ve returned to the ring now, Schism and Rupture in pursuit.
Schism brings Jason Cruz to his feet and Rupture brings Shane Jackson to his feet, and the team of Fracture Irish whips the team of Cash Money into the ropes. Jason Cruz and Shane Jackson hit the ropes at the same time and then return, Schism catching Jason Cruz, Rupture catching Shane Jackson, sending each member of Cash Money to the mat with a hook of the arm.
Wolf: Dual hip tosses by the team of Fracture!
Ace: Frank has lost all control! These teams are going at one another with no adherence to the rules whatsoever. I love it!
Wolf: And so do these fans—they’ve finally come alive.
The crowd pops as Shane Jackson and Jason Cruz both quickly get to their feet and charge Rupture and Schism. Rupture goes for the clothesline on Shane Jackson, Shane ducks while Schism goes for an elbow on Jason Cruz—Jason Cruz ducks.
Wolf: It’s like Synchronized wrestling up in here! Jason Cruz and Shane Jackson ducking the elbow and clothesline respectively.
Jason Cruz and Shane Jackson each hit the ropes at the same time and then return. Rupture catches Shane Jackson and raises him up in the air before slamming him down to the mat while Schism catches Jason Cruz and turns, slamming him to the mat all in one motion.
Wolf: Rupture with the spine buster on Shane Jackson as Schism hits Jason Cruz with the power slam!
Schism drops to the mat, hooking Jason Cruz’s leg as Rupture stomps Shane Jackson out of the ring. Frank Knox makes the count and Rupture stands in the ring to count along with the referee and everyone else.
Wolf: We’ve got a pin by Schism! Rupture seems to think this one is over! 1. . . 2. . . NO! Kick out by Jason Cruz! He kicked out Ace!
Ace: He sure did—he’s reaching deep now, really testing himself and his body.
Schism checks with Frank Knox who signals two before ordering Rupture out of the ring. Rupture obeys, his arms out and his hands raised as he backs toward the ropes. As he reaches them he swings through and exits the ring to wait on the apron.
Ace: That’s right Frank, keep that punk in the corner! He looks like a shifty one to me!
Wolf: Rupture is one of the nicest guys. . . I don’t know why you would think that.
Ace: I don’t trust people in masks. . . never have, never will.
Schism grabs a handful of Jason Cruz’s hair and brings him to his feet before tagging Rupture. Schism then picks of Jason Cruz, resting him over his shoulder. Rupture climbs the ropes and perches on the top before jumping off as Schism falls backward and Jason Cruz hits the mat and Rupture comes down immediately after, with a leg draped across his throat.
Wolf: Samoan Drop—Leg Drop combination here from Fracture!
Ace: Jason Cruz is going to have to make the tag if Cash Money ever hopes of winning this. Look at him! He’s hardly moving. The poor fucker.
The crowd pops and Rupture scrambles over to the fallen Jason Cruz, hooking the leg and going for the pin. Frank Knox hits the mat.
Wolf: Pin by Rupture now. 1. . . 2. . . NO! Jason Cruz kicks out yet again!
Ace: This guy just won’t give up will he? He’s been bashed about the ring all night, and still he wants more! Will he ever tire of a good beating?
Rupture gets quickly to his feet, grabbing Jason Cruz and quickly Irish whipping him into the ropes.
Wolf: Jason Cruz into the ropes. . .
Jason Cruz hits the ropes and Rupture goes for the clothesline, but Jason Cruz ducks it.
Wolf: Clothesline—NO. Jason Cruz ducks the attempted clothesline by Rupture.
Jason Cruz then runs off the ropes on the other side of the ring and as he returns Rupture pushes Jason Cruz up for the sitdown powerbomb, but Jason Cruz hooks Rupture around the head with his legs, and flipping around sends him clean to the mat.
Wolf: Huricanrana by Jason Cruz now!
Ace: How many of those are we gonna have to see tonight?
Wolf: As many as it takes Ace. . . as many as it takes.
Rupture sells the huricanrana on the mat and Jason Cruz lies on his back, looking up toward the lights, conscious but too tired to even think about moving yet.
Wolf: Both men slow to get up now. . . This match is taking its toll, on everybody. . . The heat in here is unbearable, and we’re just sitting around. These fellows are actually wrestling in there!
Ace: Somebody get these fellows a Gatorade!
Frank Knox starts to make the count, raising his arms each time he reaches a new number. 1. . . 2. . . 3. . . 4 Rupture gets up to his knees. Jason Cruz starts to move, raising up his arm in an attempt to turn over onto his stomach.
Wolf: Both men are moving now, trying to get up.
Ace: You know Jason Cruz is gonna try and go for that tag. . . well, if he’s smart he’ll go for the tag. We’ve seen mistakes in the ring before.
5. . . Jason Cruz crawls toward Shane Jackson, getting closer and closer to the tag. 6. . . Closer, the outstretched hand of Shane Jackson almost close enough to touch. 7. . . Closer now, just a few inches away—almost—almost. . . 8. . . He’s just about to reach Shane Jackson when Rupture gets to his feet and grabs Jason Cruz by the ankle, pulling him farther and farther away from Shane Jackson.
Wolf: Rupture has got him! Jason Cruz was so close to the tag—yet so far. . . Rupture got him by the ankle, and now all that progress has been lost.
Ace: The bruises will heal Wolf, but the shame Jason Cruz must be feeling will hurt for a long time to come Wolf. He’s letting Shane Jackson down! He’s owes him his life, and he damn well knows it!
Wolf: Another good point, Ace. What does that make three, or four?
Ace: At least fifteen. . .
Rupture keeps his hold on Jason Cruz’s leg and turns him onto his back before pulling him to his feet, Jason Cruz hopping on one leg. Rupture then turns and spins while keeping his hold on Jason’s leg, wrenching the leg and sending Jason to the mat.
Wolf: Dragon Screw by Rupture! Targeting that leg.
Ace: Jason Cruz is gonna need a miracle to get out of this one. Money won’t help him none right now.
The crowd pops as Rupture brings Jason Cruz to his feet and slams him down to the mat.
Wolf: Lung Blower! Lung Blower by Rupture on Jason Cruz!
Rupture scrambles over to Jason Cruz and hooks the leg, Frank Knox hitting the mat for the count and Schism entering the ring to prevent any interference by Shane Jackson.
Wolf: We’ve got a pin! 1. . . 2. . .3! That’s it! It’s over!
Ace: Fracture is officially the best tag team in The Row! Congratulations boys!
Wolf: These two aren't just the best team. Individually, they're two of The Row's finest as well!
Ace: Tell us how their cornhole's taste, Waylon!
Wolf: ... That's just putrid, you're a very disturbed individual.
Ace: Is that code for grainy? I'll bet it is.
Interrupting the chatter and celebration in the ring is Godsmack's "I Stand Alone" mixed with Kanye West's "Amazing". Just kidding. Who would come out to that? It sounds like pigs fucking. Instead, Van Halen's "Tattoo" blares throughout the East Gym.
Ace: Move over Fracture! You say they're two of The Row's finest, well here comes THE finest! The Sultan of Sweet himself, gracing us with his presence!
Wolf: How does Seth's posterior taste, Tommy?
Ace: Was that supposed to be funny?
Wolf: Shut up.
Seth glides down the aisle, waving at his adoring fans. Even though they hate him. That doesn't matter though, because all he can see is a cheering mass of Strattonites pining for his attention. Ain't narcissism fun, kids?
Wolf: As you know, Seth was scheduled to face FJ Tombs in a non-title match this evening, scheduled before FJ was involved in a car accident at the last Lethal Injection.
Ace: It hurt being deprived of Seth this week, Waylon. I don't know how I made it through the entire show.
Seth gingerly climbs up the ring steps and between the ropes. A homeless man in a shabby headset near ringside reaches through and hands him a microphone. Fracture stand in the corner flabbergasted at the intrusion.
Seth: Before I start, I just wanted to say, to all the devoted fans here... You can get a free tetanus shot at the Salvation Army after the show. This place is fucking filthy. Though there is a chance you shanty dwellers have built up an immunity.
Seth: And I love YOU, San Jose!
Wolf: This guy is a headcase.
Ace: No, he's a visionary! He knows what these people want better than they do!
Seth: You're probably asking yourselves, 'Where am I going to get the money for my next crack hit?'. You're probably also asking yourselves 'Why has Seth Stratton chosen to grace us with his presence?'. I'd like to be arrogant and assume the latter thought is at the forefront of your minds, but let's face it, crack addiction is pretty dicey.
Ace: Sing it, sister.
Seth: I don't know the answer to the first question. Maybe orally copulate one of the DRW wrestlers. I hear Cash Money is filthy with the stuff, and also love a good back alley rimjob. The answer to the second is simple. FJ Tombs... is a gimp.
Wolf: Oh, come on!
Seth: ... He's a crip, folks. And not one of the cool black ones with their fancy dancing. I mean a cripple. At least, temporarily. That means he can't defend the DRW title. That means... the championship is vacant.
Ace: He's right about that.
Seth: I know that bothers everyone here tonight, that they've come out to support an organization with no champion. But Uncle Seth has a surprise for you, and it isn't in my pants, like the surprises your real Uncles gave you.
Ace: They should boo. A lot of bad memories just got drudged up.
Wolf: You're just as deplorable as Stratton.
Seth: I, Seth Stratton, have decided to step forward and accept the Death Row Wrestling title. Yes! Ceelllabrate good times, COME ON!
Wolf: He's delusional!
Ace: How dare you speak that way of the new champion!
Wolf: He's NOT the champion!
Seth bows to the crowd. They toss roses at his feet. And by roses, I mean empty cans of Keystone Ice. Seth kicks them out of the ring.
Seth: You'll want to keep these. They'll help pay the rent. Not as much as the Section 8 assistance, but a little.
???: Wait just one fucking second!
Seth whips his head to see Schism on the mic. Rupture is still standing in the ring, watching the madness.
Schism: What makes you think you can just waltz out here and claim the title?
Seth: Oh, sorry! I didn't see you there! While I think it's terribly rude that you've somewhat ruined my moment of glory by sullying it with your... presence, I'll explain. As you know, I have the best record in DRW. So it stands to reason that, in the event of a title being vacated, that I should step in. Hoist that strap on my shoulder, strut about town. You get the picture.
Rupture: What's your record, again?
Seth: Well I'm glad you asked me that, Jism.
Rupture: I'm Rupture.
Seth: Whatever. I'm Four and Oh. Boom.
Schism: Huh. It just so happens that me and Rupture are undefeated too. Tonight's win? Makes us FIVE and Oh.
Schism: So going by your own logic, it seems like the DRW title belongs to US.
Seth: Wait, wait. That's absurd. You're a fucking tag team, no one cares about tag teams! In the immortal words of Bob Barker, you should be working at the snack bar!
Rupture: There's only one way to settle this.
Schism: And what would that be?
Rupture: Well, since Seth thinks that tag teams are a non-issue...
Seth: You're damn right I do!
Rupture: It seems like the three of us should have a match at Lethal Injection XI.
Seth: A three way dance? You're really willing to sell out your partner like that? What a douche!
Rupture: No, Seth. I was thinking more along the lines of a handicap elimination match.
Wolf: That's what I'm talking about!
Ace: Boooo, Just give Seth the belt. He's sexy as hell, and it'll boost our profile!
Wolf: Well, our profile can't get much low- Wait, did you just call another man sexy?
Ace: Uh, No.
Rupture: So what do you say, Seth? Since we're nothing to sweat, since you're undefeated and so great.
Wolf: He's going to chicken out.
Ace: He has nothing more to prove, he shouldn't agree.
Seth: You know what? Fine. FINE.
Wolf: It would appear we have a main event!
Ace: It's going to be a laugher, Wolf. Seth is going to school these chumps.
"There's No Sympathy For The Dead" by Escape the Fate hits as the meager crowd goes wild. Seth climbs out of the ring, a butthurt expression on his face.
Ace: Chin up, Seth! The majesty of being champion isn't gone, just delayed two weeks!
Wolf: We're all out of time, tune in two weeks from tonight for Lethal Injection XI!
- Kentucky Tarzan