UNLIKELY COLOGNE COMMERCIAL

Posted by Mikey Unlikely on 24 Sep 2015

The scene opens to a dingy bar, where scantily dressed females all trounce about, trying to get their vaginas licked. Dudes with half unbuttoned shirts walk around with pursed lips. Trying to look smooth or suave.

As the camera rips through the crowd at an unbelievable rate, a band is on stage. The camera focuses in on who is playing the drums in the back of the club. No, not that other shitty wrestling drummer in a mask. It’s Mikey Unlikely. He is shirtless and slamming the drums with no reservations.

As the scene switches, the drums stay playing. Almost as if this entire thing is somehow connected. Maybe it will all tie together at the end. We open up to a scene where we are on a long stretch of desert road! A car flies past!

OK...Flies is a little generous. It cruised past. Maybe puttered is the appropriate word here. It was a SmartCar. The Smart Car is going as fast as possible, roughly 35 miles per hour. I would say things were blurry from inside the car, but the car is just filled with smoke.

The Smart Car starts going off road, and tries to do some doughnuts in the sand. On the first attempt the car smacks a cactus, breaking off an arm of it. The car falls over onto its passenger side, and the window slowly rolls down. As smoke pours from the car, it becomes clear the Driver was Mikey Unlikely, and that the smoke was probably not from the exhaust.

CAMERA SWITCH! Now we see Mikey walking down the road carless. He passes an armadillo. He stares at it as it passes. The ‘dillo stops, and turns towards Mikey. It makes a hissing noise, before running directly at him. Mikey takes off in a full sprint down the road before we switch once again.

This time Mikey is in the desert. He got a shovel from somewhere, maybe some Pirate character left it there when he buried his necklace, who knows. Mikey digs, and digs, and throws dirt over his shoulder dramatically.

He falls to his knees in desperation before pulling a box out of nowhere. Very Estupendo Kick esque. He slowly opens the box and lifts something out of it. It’s a Roomba Robot. It’s Bobby Clean. He puts Bobby Clean in the whole and kicks it a few times!

The commercial comes to an end as we zoom in on his face for no reason. This shitfest doesn't make sense, then comes the logo.

“Merde Odeur”

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The United Toughness Alliance is a fictional wrestling promotion. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imaginations or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. Character images are copyright © Ben Halkum and may not be used without permission.